Dan Impossible Must Be Destroyed!

Operation: Stop Being A Big Fat Bastard

2011-10-11T04:31:00.000-07:00

I'm overweight. I know this will come as a surprise to many of you that know me and have seen me slink about the place all waif-like but it's true - I'm a fatty.

I never used to be a fatty. I used to be quite the opposite. Of course, I'm fairly sure the not eating actual food, drinking until I threw up almost nightly and the occasional foray into drugs helped keep my weight down but, let's be fair, the Pete Doherty diet is a bit hit and miss at the best of times and not one I'd like to follow at this stage of my life.

Right now I don't even know what I weigh. It's a lot. I weigh enough to make furniture nervous, I know that much. I've seen the sad look in the sofa's eyes as I plod towards it with a snack or 3. And I carry it all around my waist too - like a middle aged darts player. And with being a fat bastard comes the guilt and the fear and the excuses. And boy, do we tubbies know how to make excuses! I've heard everything blamed from giving up smoking (which doesn't work for me, I smoke and I'm a fatso - I'm practically taunting death here) to being a bit sad to not having time to exercise. Hardly anyone puts their hands up and just says 'I admit it, I eat way more than I should and now I'm lardy' - but that's the truth of it. I eat a lot. You offer me food and I'll eat it. I eat like I've been starved to death for months. I eat like I'm genuinely scared someone is going to come along and steal my fucking chow off me. It's frightening how much I can pack away and now, well, now I'm a right fat pie bloater and I need to fix it.

Today I started off by swapping the endless shit I consume on a daily basis and for something that vaguely resembles a milkshake. It has the consistency of wallpaper paste and, frankly, it was horrifying. According to the tin it was strawberry flavour - according to my mouth it tasted like someone at the milkshake factory hates me. This is a necessary evil though, I need to be less rotund. I look like a space hopper on my best day and no amount of sucking it in is going to disguise my staggering circumference.

I decided to try and give myself a little extra push too in the form of herbal tablets. I'm not usually one to go the natural remedies route because if it was that bloody easy everyone would just pop out to the woods or the sea or whatever and be healthy, happy and better off. Regardless, I'm now taking something called Bladderwrack after meals to (supposedly) kick start my metabolism. I had no idea what this stuff was so I did a spot of like Googling (calories burnt in this particular brand of exercise - next to sod all) and found out it's bloody kelp. As if seaweed is going to cure me of being fat. Oh well.

So, here I am on day one of my new diet. The aim is to shift 3 stone. That's half a stone lighter than the worlds biggest rabbit if you wanted some perspective. It's about the same weight as a 4 year old kid apparently - that's a weird thought in itself.

Making a decision like this one is hard. I mean, nobody wants to be a sweating, blob of a person that struggles to find clothes that fit. On the flip side though, nobody wants to stop eating pizza in favour of 2 shit milkshakes a day followed by the least appetising looking meal outside of a prisoner of war camp - and I'll bet even they had pudding sometimes. I shall do my very best though.

I shall update you with my progress - if I make any. Wish me luck on my quest for a smaller waistline eh? And don't offer me a chip - couple more days on this stuff and I'm likely to bite your hand off... Literally.

A Banned Ad and A Blog About Pigs

2011-09-13T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today an advert for Tesco's sausages was banned by the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) for misleading consumers. I'm assuming that means the advert was misleading and got banned and not that the ASA is the authority for misleading consumers - that would be weird. And slightly unnecessary.

Anyway, the advert showed a couple of seconds of pigs ambling about in that way that pigs do. They ambled through fields, they ambled in barns and they ambled their way to getting an advert banned. Apparently the pigs that go into Tesco's own-brand Butcher's Choice Sausages are bred both indoors and outdoors and so probably don't get to amble quite as much as the advert implied. Cue the ASA and one slap on the wrist for the nations largest supermarket chain.

Tesco's were slightly 'baffled' by the decision however as apparently the farmer in said advert (I forgot to mention there was a farmer in it as well) was an actual supplier of Tesco's pork. As far as they are concerned it might as well be a bit of home movie footage it's that genuine. Maybe it is. I never saw the advert, it got banned.

I've never really liked pigs. I mean, they seem friendly enough I suppose. They are large and noisy and they smell - which are the same reasons I dislike most football supporters. They also roll around on the floor, squealing... And so do pigs.

There have been a few famous pigs throughout the years. Babe was one, he was alright. He went out into the world and taught himself a trade. You have to admire that. Not like the pig from Charlottes Web who got a spider to get him out of trouble... Although, thinking about it I suppose it's reasonably clever of him to have been talking to a spider in the first place. I shouldn't have thought they had much to discuss though. I mean, what did they have in common?

'So... Erm, rolled in any good mud lately?'
'No, idiot. I'm a spider.'

I'll bet that's pretty much the total of any chats they had for as long as they knew each other. I think one died at the end. I'm not sure but if one didn't then one should have, it just makes for a better story.

Babe didn't end that well. They ended that film with the pig learning how to herd sheep and the well-loved and oft repeated line 'That'll do pig' - which, incidentally, is one of the least appropriate things you can say to your partner post-coitus.

George Clooney had a pig. It was a black Vietnamese pot-bellied pig named Max. He'd bought it for a girlfriend apparently. I bet that went well. Wikipedia has some fantastic information about Clooney's pig. For instance, allegedly the pig saved his life by waking him up before an earthquake. That's pretty impressive. Also, in 2006, the pig was taken for a flight in John Travolta's private jet. What isn't mentioned here is if he came back a Scientologist... I'm going with yes.

Porky was OK I suppose, considering he had a bow tie and a speech impediment - Much like Pee Wee Herman in that respect, only far less likely to be caught wanking in a cinema.

I'm not so anti-pig that I would like them to live uncomfortably. Even though eventually I'm destined to eat quite a few of them I'd like them to have some space to amble about in. I mean a little space to stretch their legs and the occasional change of scenery - I don't mean taking them on outings, that just seems excessive. I'm pretty sure there's a joke here about taking a pig out but that's beneath even me. Probably.

When I was very little I used to enjoy the story about the 3 little pigs and the wolf. You know, the one with the houses made from straw, sticks and then finally out of bricks? I never really considered the pigs to be that important in the story though... It could have been about any livestock with a rudimentary knowledge of construction. If anything the story was about the wolf - and about using the correct materials for any job. That's a valuable life lesson right there, don't build with straw. Although, building with straw bales is now considered both structurally and ecologically sound. Go figure, the first pig was right after all. I can't remember if the pigs in inadequate housing survived or not. At least one of them should have died, it just makes for a better story.

So, that was a blog about pigs. And adverts... But mostly pigs. I shall leave you with a joke.

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
'Let's have a party, Gerry,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.'

In Which I Talk Myself Well Off Point And Then End Abruptly.

2011-09-02T04:30:00.001-07:00

There's a fine line between self-promotion and self-indulgence - and I know this because I skip between the two like a giddy schoolgirl. You see, this is the age of the Internet! A glorious age where the world has a platform from which to air its every thought. The Internet doesn't sleep, it doesn't judge and it doesn't correct spelling (unless you're using Google Chrome that is - do you think they might pay me for that little endorsement there? Probably not.) instead it just sits there, ready for you to unburden yourself into it's exponentially increasing universe of stuff like the friend you wished you had after that messy break-up but didn't, because you bored the tits off everybody by misquoting 80's power ballads and sobbing until they wandered off.

Ahem... anyways, the Internet is also a very useful tool for businesses. It's a place to advertise for free and sell stuff from - which is nice. You can't even rock up at a car boot sale for nothing these days so that's a big tick for the Internet there. This is where the self-promotion argument comes into play - as you knew it would, the clue was in the first line. I'm good to you like that.

Self-promotion is a fantastic thing when you have something to promote. Have a skill? Get online and share it with the world! Youtube is chock full of videos of incredibly talented people doing a bunch of awesome things. Happy days and happier people promoting themselves all over the world. Of course, Youtube is also filled with videos of self-important twats with too much to say about everything. And handy guides on how to do things according to other self-important twats. And comments posted by yet more self-important twats about how the first lot were wrong in their video about how to apply make-up/wire a plug/play the theme tune to Dallas on a harpsichord or whatever they'd just posted. Seems that for every one of those that are there to promote themselves there lay in wait an army of gobby arseholes. Just what the world needs eh?

But what if you can't tell the difference between self-promotion and self-indulgence? It's a fairly common problem - especially for me. For example - I write this here blog, right? And I like people to read it. Of course I do or why would I bother? So a gentle nudge in the direction of said blog occurs and almost 10000 views later and I'm a happy camper. But then some days I think 'Why am I pointing this out to people?' And it's a fair question. I mean, this is me writing down the spurious nonsense I have collected in my brain for however long - what part of me thinks anyone would want to read that?

But this is not the time for such questions... This is time to reflect on the statement I made earlier. There is, indeed, a fine line between self-promotion and self-indulgence. I know some very talented poets for example - and some, let's just say are... less talented (but they take part and isn't that the important thing? No. No it is not the important thing at all. They are shit and should stop trying.) but they post these efforts online and then I feel compelled to say something nice about them. Honestly, sometimes I am nice when I don't mean to be which is fucking hard to believe - even for me. So there's me reading a crap poem written by someone and me congratulating them when it occurs to me - why did they post this in the first place? Are they embarking on a new career path as a bard? Or are they sat at home eating Wotsits and posting stuff because they're a little attention starved that day? I'll never know for sure.

I wrote a poem recently - it was about masturbation and cereal. It wasn't very good and I'm not sure it even really counts as a poem but I shall recreate it for you here because this blog is about being self-indulgent and so I shall exhibit some for you.

It went:

Do you ever wake up,
Unable to decide between
A morning wank and a bowl of rice crispies?

It seems rather self-indulgent to do both.

See? It even has 'self-indulgent' in the poem. Talk about being relevant eh kids?

Anyway, I had a point earlier and now I've seen how long this post is I'm going to stop writing and leave you to mull over the argument instead. It seems a little unfair me having too much of an opinion on this considering I'm as guilty as the next man (sometimes more so) so have a little ponder. And a cup of tea.

Nice.

An Email To ITV Viewer Services About 'Show Me The Funny' Live Final

2011-08-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

I have just been watching the first 2 parts of your television program 'Show Me The Funny', a show which had escaped my attention until this evening. I was interested at the premise - 10 unknown comedians competing for a cash prize and a DVD deal. I think there was some sort of tour mentioned as well, I'm not entirely sure. There's usually a tour with these phone-in things. I know X-Factor and that ice skating thing both have tours afterwards for those people that want to see the same things they saw on TV in real life at the O2 for some reason so I suspect this has a tour also. Regardless, the premise was interesting so I had a watch.

I was very surprised to see the judging panel consisted of Alan Davies (who hasn't really done any stand-up since the Urban Trauma tour back in 1998) and Kate Copstick who, after a quick read of her credentials, was the 'first person to give Michael McIntyre a five star review' - which is of course assuming you don't count McIntyre himself (he looks the type to award himself prizes in the bathroom mirror as some sort of post-shower ritual) these were certainly bold choices to judge a selection of fresh stand-up comedians - it's really a shame none turned up to have a crack at winning really.

For the first 10 minutes I did wonder if the title of the show was supposed to be taken less literally... Or perhaps more literally. Maybe even ignored entirely in the hope that nobody tries to sue you for some false advertising. Whilst I may not be as qualified to judge stand-up comedians as the man who once tried to bite a tramps ear off outside a members only club or a woman who, from some angles, looks suspiciously like she'd wandered straight from the transvestite story line on Coronation Street but I do know what's funny. Or, to be more precise, I know what isn't. And 'Show Me The Funny' simply doesn't have any funny to show.

In fact, the biggest laugh your program got was shortly beforehand when the dog was obscuring some of the screen as we were reading the information and we all thought it was called 'Show Me The Fanny' - although, admittedly, were we watching Channel 5 that would have actually made sense. In fact, thinking about it, you can have that - 'Show Me The Fanny' - it's got some potential. It could be about a panel of judges trying to determine which adult film star has the most talented vagina. You could have each contestant guided toward victory by their own expert (probably a gynaecologist to give the show some medical credibility) and the winner could get ten thousand pounds and a DVD deal. I'd probably skip the tour though, you don't want to see what an arena full of people who've paid 40 quid a throw for a look at a prize winning minge looks like. Although I imagine it resembles the crowd for a Micheal McIntyre show.

I am very disappointed by the lack of jokes told by your finalists and I think that the prize should be reconsidered. In these times of financial hardship I think 50 quid and a 'Benidorm' boxset is a far more appropriate gesture. They've been on telly and I think that's prize enough. You could give them a copy of their highlights I suppose - for those who didn't get someone to tape it. It always used to be enough for a crap contestant on any game show to simply have been on telly so this should be no exception. Whatever happened to those shows where those playing were just happy to be there? 'I've had a great day' was a staple response to going home empty handed back then and you really got a sense they meant it. These days the prizes far outweigh the talent required to win them. Was the Krypton Factor on ITV? That was good that was. That looked difficult and I'm not sure it even had a proper prize like a holiday or a his and hers luggage set at the end - and you had to fly a pretend aeroplane straight after what looked like a particularly gruelling PE lesson. Is there any chance you could bring that back?

I don't know who won your contest, I gave up after the second 'comedian'. He was considerably better than the first one but if you've got time, go back and watch the reactions from Alan Davies - he said some lovely things but at no point did he say either of the first 2 were funny. The looks on Bob Mortimer's and Ross Noble's faces were a delight to behold as well. You should probably edit that out if you decide to give the contestants a copy of their highlights.

I'm sorry I didn't enjoy your program. I would like to say though, as a final thought, that Coronation Street (I mentioned earlier) was considerably funnier. Is there any chance I could get a signed photo of Roy and Hayley for my mum? She thinks they're hilarious.

Regards

Dan

You Watch Some Telly Or Read A Paper And Suddenly You're An Expert... (Riots 2011)

2011-08-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

I've read a lot of opinion pieces over the last few days about the flash riots across England. I've read Twitter updates, blog posts, newspaper columns and Facebook statuses... I've even listened to the statement made by Prime Minister David Cameron (and of course the statements made in response) and I feel that now I am as qualified as anyone else to speak my mind on this subject.

Because that's how it works, right? You watch a bit of telly, you read a paper and suddenly you're an expert on these matters. And if you want further proof of just how easy it is to learn all you'll ever need to about the mob violence we witnessed over the last few days simply look at any 'respectable' news site where, amongst the actual reporting, you'll find an amazing array of people who suddenly truly get the youth of today. Of course, the fact that these people are often nearly double (if not more) the age of those looting their local supermarket doesn't matter. The fact that they come from different areas, both geographically and socially doesn't matter. The fact that many of them have never protested about anything, never committed a crime and never wanted for anything apparently doesn't matter either. They watched it on the telly, they read a paper... these are their thoughts. Instant fucking expertise on social issues - welcome to the future.

Amongst the speculation as to why 200 or so kids decided to descend on their local off-licence and rob the place blind, and in between the grainy CCTV images of hooded youths basking in the glow of a flaming wheelie bin, there lies a far more frightening issue that people seem to be almost deliberately ignoring - a relatively simple premise: The 'experts' don't know why. And it occurred to... around zero of them to shut the fuck up until they did.

We know that the initial incident started during a peaceful protest about yet another police shooting. Those same police and the nations media were very quick to tell the country that the resulting violence had strayed so far off the original protest that it couldn't possibly be about that anymore. You know, like the time the US and the UK invaded Iraq after 9/11 insisting it was retaliation despite Iraq having nothing to do with it? And the government can't see how anger at one issue can result in a seemingly random violent act - someone please alert the irony police, I think we have a situation here.

Some news outlets insisted it was a result of poverty - some took issue with the idea of a group of teenagers crying poverty on a 300 quid phone. It's a reasonable point I guess but poverty is relative. Have you been to an inner-city estate? These kids might have 100 quid trainers on but chances are they're not doing their food shopping at Waitrose. Chances are they don't pop out for the afternoon to have a picnic or visit the cinema or spend 30 quid on a Chinese take-away because they just didn't feel like cooking. You don't need to be starving to be poor - you just need to look around and see that what you have is nothing compared to someone else. Or that where you live is a shit hole compared to somewhere else. But what do I know? What does anyone that wasn't directly involved know? Oh, that's right, they are 'experts'.

Footage of the riots included scenes of kids looting JD Sports, Carpet Right and other shops. Some footage featured a kid posing with a giant bag of value rice and this caused some chortling from those people sat at home. I mean, why would anyone loot a bag of rice? That's easily answered and anyone that doesn't get it is, frankly, a moron - it was free. You want some perspective on this? OK, I shall indulge you...

When Woolworths closed down I witnessed looting first hand - oh, you may say it was shopping for items at very low prices but it was looting. People aggressively haggling over the price of stuff so cheap that it was nearly given away. People leaving the shop with the fixtures and fittings regardless of their usefulness or how appropriate it was to store in their own houses. People did not need this stuff - it was mostly shit - and yet there they were wheeling trollies around laden with broken toys, shop shelves and other assorted crap. Spending pence on pounds worth of stuff because they could. Because the idea of getting something, anything, for next to nothing is so appealing that all rational thought went out of the window. You want to see a mob mentality, try going to the NEXT sale at 5am or standing anywhere near the poor sod putting the reduced stickers on stuff in a supermarket. Or simply attend any football match... That works too.

But I don't recall seeing a single expert shrug and simply say 'People like free shit' you'd have thought it was one of the first trains of thought. Apparently not.

There were a few people that, when asked, claimed they were looting in order to 'get their taxes back' - admittedly, rifling through a looted carpet shop is a strange way to go about this but what does anyone really know? I mean, do YOU know a better way to feel better about taxes that have been raised whilst huge companies simply refuse to pay theirs? One of the shops attacked in Croydon was a family owned business in a building that was 140 years old and had survived World War 2 bombings - and this is a tragedy, I'm first to admit that. I'm also going to admit that were it not for the endless news sources telling me it was a family owned business and that it had been run by 5 generations of that same family, I'd have had no idea. Is it likely many people took the time to find that out before setting fire to it? These riots may have been planned but do you really think they were planned any more than 'Go here. Raise hell'? I think someone, somewhere is vastly overestimating the level of organisation these events had. Nothing in particular was targeted - stop looking for a pattern.

The point I'm making (which is undoubtedly lost in here somewhere) is that as of right now nobody really knows why the riots of London, Bristol, Liverpool and Birmingham happened. Nobody really knows that those rioting have much of an idea either... And the real danger now is that the media, the experts, the casual commentators and the online ranters are going to poke around searching for a reason until they really hit a nerve and it kicks off again. Nobody likes to think they did something and everyone that witnessed it missed the point - and to some there would have been a point. Whether it's one that's generally agreed with or not. And for those that had no point, well, they're going to wake up one day and realise how stupid they were to get carried away with it all when they really had no business being there. It's something everyone has been guilty of on at least one occasion (and yes, I do appreciate it's a question of scale but if you focus on that you really do miss the point.

On August 4th a 29 year old was shot and killed by the police. During a peaceful protest about that incident a teenage girl was allegedly beaten up by police officers sparking the first incident in Tottenham. Since then we have seen riots in a variety of areas from cities to towns, from high streets to back streets. Cars, buildings and bins set fire and more reasons for these occurrences than anybody needs to read. Whatever your thoughts are on the 'mindless violence' of the last few days, whatever your opinion on the rioters, the looting and the damage to this country is please try not to lose sight of the fact that we've seen this all before. There might not have been banners or chanting but I've seen firsthand a member of the Animal Liberation Front throw a paving slab through a car windscreen during an anti-capitalism march. Even reading that sentence back baffles me as the three things seem so completely unrelated but the guy from the ALF wasn't making a statement about the treatment of animals as he launched that slab. He had no idea if the car belonged to the driver or any of the owners back story - he threw it because at that exact moment, in the middle of what was a peaceful march through London to make a point about why the rich have so much when the poor have so little, it just made sense to him.

If you want to read an experts views on the riots - ask a rioter. Everyone else just needs to stop now, these armchair psychiatrists and amateur sociologists can just shut up now. I'm done with their endless debating over why this happened. The left can stop blaming the system, the right can stop their thinly veiled racism as they blame immigration and the middle can stop cherry picking from both arguments until they are satisfied. I agree it's time for answers but let's start asking the right questions to the right people...

Oh and finally, I'd just like to say to anyone that's now laying the blame for these riots on technology - particularly social media - and the ease in which these riots were planned thanks to Blackberries and Twitter and Facebook groups - please grow up. We've seen riots before these things were invented. If you genuinely think that living in a country with stricter rules on these inventions would make the chances of this kind of violence any less then I suggest you visit the Middle East or various areas in Asia, Africa or South America where somehow, presumably by magic, they still manage to have daily occurrences of violence without being able to Tweet about it. And if it wasn't for some people using these exact same methods to keep people updated then it may well have been a lot worse.

I'm shutting up now, I'm off to read a few articles about space exploration because I fancy being an expert on Mars later this afternoon. It really is that easy - welcome to the future.

A good time is just a click away...

2011-05-18T02:27:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Russian women, are you tired of waiting for your dream man to contact you via one of your strategically placed ads around the net?

Is the expense of spamming every porn site, download site and social networking site around in your never ending quest to find the perfect partner getting you down?

Do you want to cut out the middle man and simply meet available men in your area?

Then perhaps we can help. Our site has been developed over the last few minutes using genuine photo's sourced from the Internet to help you find that special someone. With our exclusive membership and misleading adverts we can pair you up with exotic lovelies from near you for love, friendship or a quick knee-trembler round the back of Morrisons.

Wayne likes Starcraft. He's fluent in 4 languages including Wookie and Klingon and he lives in his grandmothers loft conversion. You could meet men like Wayne just by filling in your free profile now and then signing up to a startling amount of money to send and receive messages in the way you'd expect to be able to do simply by joining.

This is Carl. He has a lot to offer the right woman so why not join today? You can browse through literally tens of profiles of men just like Carl and maybe, just maybe meet the man of your dreams.

Whether it's a sham marriage for a visa you're after or simply to find some poor bastard to fleece then join today. Perhaps if you do then you might be less inclined to start up countless websites advertising potential relationships for mugs that know no better and clogging up sites that used to be good in the process.

Meat... Erm, that's it. Just meat.

2011-05-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

Life is full of choices and that's fine by me. Some people choose to be gay whilst others straight (I know there's a third option here but I was trying to make it read better) Some people choose to drink, smoke or take drugs and some people don't. Like I said, there are choices to be made.

One raging debate that I often find myself sticking my nose into is the never ending question of meat consumption - and if we should still be eating animals.

If you're unsure where I stand on this then we've clearly never met and you've come here by mistake looking for someone else's blog. Yes, I eat meat. I eat lots of meat.

Do I feel bad about eating animals? Well, yes and no. Cows and sheep I don't tend to feel bad about - nobody wants cows lumbering about the place and getting in the way and sheep, well there's something suspicious about sheep as it is so I'll happily chow down on those.

I tried being a vegetarian but I was one of those crap vegetarians that needed to swap out the meat in my diet with stuff that's a little like meat. This stuff was usually Quorn and that's actually OK by me. Some things however you just cannot replace - like steak or bacon. Oh they tried to replace bacon. They tried and they failed. I mean, did you ever see that fake bacon that was shaped like insoles? Who's idea was that?

The second Smiths album was called 'Meat is Murder' as Morrissey is a militant vegetarian. He's also a right fucking misery though so perhaps the occasional pork chop might cheer him up a bit. Who knows?

Anyways, this blog isn't about the moral implications of meat eating. I'm not trying to prove my point here, I can't be bothered. It's a fight I can't win when my best argument is generally 'It tastes good' - even a disinterested schoolchild can defeat that level of reasoning. And besides, all that blah blah about evolution and the food chain just slows me down on the way to getting a burger so here's something else.

This is... wait for it... the most awesome meat related stuff I could find on the net!* Because, well, I love meat. I mean I actually love it.

But not like this guy...

And for anyone not familiar with the awesomeness that is Preacher (seriously, why the fuck are you here?) the above picture is of meat tycoon Odin Quincannon. If you can't work out why he's stripped down to his undies in a room full of meat then you should go read the book.

Anyways...

1. Do you like bacon? Do you like mayonaise? Then, chances are you'll love this dubious invention from the America's: Baconnaise.

It's not actually made from bacon (which I guess means I shouldn't have included it but it made me laugh so... here it is in all it's glory.

2. I like that TV show 'Man versus Food' the host (Adam Richman) is a funny guy and I can actually listen to him talking about food without wanting to slap the taste out of his mouth. He finds the sort of burgers that I dream about. I'm not kidding, I dream about burgers. Is it a wonder I got fat?

Here's a dream burger:

That's the Thurman Burger - It's from a place called the Thurman Cafe. I'll wager it's owned by a guy named Thurman. Apparently they can make amazing burgers but are shit at naming things.

As well as the actual burger this bad boy boasts: ham, mozzarella, american cheese, lettuce, tomato, mushrooms, sauteed onions, pickle, peppers, and mayo with chips and a pickle spear.

You need to be able to stretch your jaw like a snake or something to take a bite of that but it would be worth the pain. Probably.

3. The sausage is dubiously shaped minced meat, wrapped in stuff you don't want to think about and then cooked. Sounds haggard but the sausage, my learned friends, is a win.

After World War 2 (that's the one in colour) the Germans had a pretty shit reputation and so, in order to make people forget about the whole unpleasant business, they set about perfecting 2 things - beer (which is good) and sausage (which is better) - happy days.

The upside to sausages is that they taste good and are easy to eat. They downside is they are made from ingredients that can really only be accurately described as 'other stuff'... that, and they are shaped a bit like nobs. Yes, the correct word is phallic - I know this. I just wanted to say nobs because it was funnier.

Whilst this woman may have a stellar career ahead of her in the porn industry, I would be very upset if she came to my house and ate all my hotdogs at once like that. Even if she did it in a sexy way with some soft lighting and jazz playing in the background.

4. In 1993, rotund rock legend Meatloaf (real name Morris Eatloaf**) released a single entitled 'I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)' - a song I assumed was about anal.

Meatloaf is also a food. And it isn't very popular in the UK as it looks absolutely revolting however, just for you I have tracked down the (supposedly) best meatloaf recipe ever. You know, in case you wanted to make it or something.

Here it is:

2 eggs
2/3 cup milk
3 slices bread
1/2 cup chopped onion
4 oz of shredded cheese
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon of black pepper
1 1/2 lean ground beef

TOPPING:
1/2 cup tomato sauce
1/2 cup brown sugar

That is from a site called cooks.com and they should know the 'Best Ever Meatloaf' when they see it. What worries me is the part when it lists '1 1/2 of lean ground beef' without telling you what it's being measured in. To be on the safe side I opted for metric tons.

This photo is of the singer Meatloaf. I imagine he has just been served meatloaf that wasn't 'The Best Ever' and so he is now going to pen a 15 minute rock ballad about his crushing disappointment.

5. My final meaty entry on this voyage of discovery is the kangaroo. I ate kangaroo, it's nice. I was in a Walkabout that had the most unfortunate painting of a kangaroo on the wall. For some reason whoever had painted it had given it what looked like a giant pair of testicles. I'm not saying kangaroos have small testicles but when you're biting into a burger made from one, the last image you want in your head is of a giant, swaying pair of kangaroo balls.

Anyway, you're probably asking how come kangaroo meat counts as amazing? (That or you're asking why the hell you're reading this) Because of the daft bastard that works for Macro Meats - Gourmet Game, a company that specialize in the stuff, who decided to use sentences like 'be pleasantly suprised by the nutritional goodness jumping out of kangaroo meat' - oh dear. You don't want to remind people of the animal you silly sod.

People get all funny about eating kangaroos but I don't know why. Perhaps you do know why and would like to share that with the other 4 readers in the comment space provided?

To be honest I'm a bit disappointed myself. These days if you search for amazing meat related stories you end up with a load of things made out of meat that shouldn't be or websites revealing the true horror of the meat industry. I didn't fancy either of those. I do however really fancy a pork pie.

*After looking for about 10 minutes.
**No it's not. I couldn't be arsed to look it up.

Sometimes I Prefer Not To Say Anything At All

2011-05-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, a person can say more about an event by saying fuck all. There's a delicious sort of indifference to simply choosing not to take part - and it's one I've recently found myself reveling in.

Last month saw the wedding of two members of the Royal family and I sat here, duly typing away at the sheer tackiness of it all. I was about to hit the post button when suddenly a wave of realisation hit me and I deleted the whole thing. That realisation was that I simply didn't care. Yes, it was a wedding. Yes it was televised and it brought the idiots out in droves, painted up like they were attending a rugby match. Yes, the whole thing made me slightly bilious but was I angry? Nope. Was I amused at the spectacle? Nope. Did I want to rattle on about the bridesmaids arse? No - I left that for the Sun and it's readers to speculate on.

Then, seemingly moments later, the Americans went and shot Bin Laden. The world was amazed and I was not. Nor was I even very interested. He was the poster boy for terrorism after an event that resulted in more tedious conspiracy theories than the moon landing and the death of Princess Diana combined. Of course they shot him, he had planes flown into buildings - that's what generally happens. Let's move on.

So, here I sat. Not saying anything about these events and feeling alright about it. And people were asking me if I planned on saying anything and I said yes - because I had every intention of airing my views on these events at the time. But recently I discovered something that's just as important as freedom of speech - and that is that sometimes we also have the freedom to not speak. I think people forget that these days.

Here's an example, every now and then I'll see a Facebook status that says something like '15 year old girl holds her 1 year old son. People call her a slut. No one knows she was raped at 13. People call a girl fat. No one knows she has serious disease which causes her to be over weight. People call an old man ugly. No one knows he had serious injury to his face whilst fighting for our country during the war. Repost this if you are against bullying and stereotyping. Bet none of you do!'

And I think no, I won't.

Is it because I don't care? No of course not, I think bullying and stereotyping are very important issues and I think people should be aware of them and do all they can to stop them where possible. I'm not reposting that status because it's shit.

The way it's written is designed to guilt you into posting something bleak on your wall for everyone to see. The purpose, presumably to increase awareness of 13 year old rape victims and elderly gents with shrapnel in their faces. I don't want to talk about them, I'm sorry things are the way they are for those people but I wanted to post about a band I heard or the toast I made earlier - and that is my right. So, with that in mind, can the people that sit on their arses dreaming up these statuses please just fuck off? Perhaps, if you really want to make a difference you could stop fannying about, guilt-tripping people on Facebook and go and start a charity somewhere.

Let me make this crystal clear for you: Facebook can not and will not cure ANY of the following: depression, diabetes, cancer or aids.

Leaving those things as your status for two hours is unlikely to do anything more than just depress the shit out of those people suffering from any of the above or those that know someone is suffering from it. People very rarely take comfort from copy and pasted statuses highlighting the thing they are trying to get over having.

The chances of a scientist sitting playing Farmville at his computer, reading a status about cancer and it jogging his memory that he'd actually cured it and simply forgot to tell anyone is incredibly slim - as entertaining as Farmville might be.

Facebook also will not stop bullying. Nor will it convince any government that those in the armed forces should be paid as much as footballers.

Please shut the fuck up now. Stop asking me to repost this shit, I don't have to. I don't want to... And neither should you.

So, anyway, back to Bin Laden - fucking seamless link there eh kids?

All joking aside Bin Laden was, in all probability, a bit of a shit. How much he had to do with 9/11 is anyone's guess (Oh and they guess. They guess all over the Internet) and the moral argument about if it's ok to shoot an unarmed man before lobbing the corpse into the sea is one that idiots will be thrashing out for years to come. I don't care. He was a bloke with a beard that made crap videos as far as I'm concerned. Killing him didn't stop terrorism, the same way that killing Jesus didn't stop Christianity or killing John Lennon didn't stop music.

Did he really die? Was it legal? Was it an assassination? Was he already dead?

We don't need the conspiracies - what purpose do they serve? The moon landing, Elvis, Barack Obama's passport, Lady Di, the Illuminati, aliens, the Loch Ness Monster... fucking Hans Solo shooting first... they're all questions we don't need to be asking everyday because it makes no difference to our lives.

Don't believe me? Let me put this into perspective for you.

Let's say the Illuminati exist. There's a news report on right now and it's proved beyond a shadow of a doubt. Apparently they are planning some sort of New World Order - tomorrow you'll still need to eat, sleep, shit, go to work... All that stuff. So stop whining about the things you don't know.

And as far as the Royal wedding goes - if you like weddings on TV, there's a bunch on every week. There's a satellite channel devoted to them if you're that way inclined. Personally, I'd stop with the pretend patriotism - we all know that the second it was over you were back to complaining about the bins, the roads, the petrol prices, the crime rates and why it costs you a fiver to park somewhere for half hour.

You helped pay for it and you weren't even invited. Get over it.

Why It Is Unlikely I Will Be Invited To The Royal Wedding

2011-03-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

So, if you have a TV, read a newspaper, have ventured outside at all over the past few months or happen to live in Buckingham Palace then the chances are you know that 2 of them royal lot are getting hitched.

Much like his father before him, Prince William is marrying someone that's not royal. Well, she will be... She just isn't now. I think that's what I heard on the radio at least. Apparently Diana wasn't royalty when she married Charlie either and this caused quite the uproar. Well, if 'uproar' now means very quiet tutting. I mean, it's not like she was some Doris from the estate being whisked off in the style of Cinderella by her jug-eared Prince Charming is it?

Anyway, William is marrying a lovely looking girl named Kate. Well, she used to be called Kate but now we're all supposed to call her Catherine apparently. I'll be honest, this confused me a great deal as 'Kate' and 'Catherine' don't even both start with the same letter but that's royals for you.

My basic lack of understanding or, indeed caring, about the particulars of this royal union is the first in my reasons why it is unlikely I will be invited to the royal wedding. I'm not upset about it, I'm busy that day as it is.

My second reason is slightly more obvious - I don't actually know anyone royal. My school was never visited by the Queen. It was visited by Bob Holness though, of Blockbusters fame, so if he happens to be A: alive and B: getting married, I shall try and blag my way into that service by reminding him of the time I ruined his speech by starting a rousing chorus of the theme tune to 'Call My Bluff' - that's bound to work.

To be fair, why was Bob Holness invited to open an all-weather sports pitch anyway? He looked about 80 then and was hardly renowned for his sporting accolades.

So, aside from not knowing the happy couple or anyone remotely connected to them, not caring about them getting married and being blissfully unaware of their personal histories, is there anything I can add to this?

Of course there is.

I wouldn't want to go.

Why? Because I didn't vote for the royal family. I don't like the royal family and I couldn't give two shits about them getting married. If William ends up like his old man he'll divorce the lovely Miss Middleton in a few years and replace her with a woman of more equine features anyway. Then she'll probably be killed, too. Like Lady Di was. Or wasn't. Whatever everyone else believes about that I do, too. I don't care enough to Google it.

I just hope it happens before Elton John gets chance to recycle another song in her memory.

This Blog Post Is Full Of Shit

2011-03-16T19:20:00.000-07:00

The human body is often likened to a machine. It runs on fuel, for example. Where the two differ is that only one of them tends to sprint past you, a copy of the Daily Sport tucked under its arm, on the way to the smallest room in the building because it overdid it on the fuel the night before.

Ladies and gentlemen, for what is about to follow I am not proud. This blog post is, quite literally, full of shit.

The process for waste removal on a human being is relatively simple. Well, once it gets past the fiddly digesting part it is. You simply open your arse and the waste falls out. Easy eh? It's been this easy for thousands of years. Everybody does it and yet, strangely, taking a dump is still considered something that you just don't talk about.

Here's a little example for you: Think about your own poo. Go on, take one if it helps - I'll wait. Done? Good. I hope you washed your hands. Now answer me this simple question: Was that a normal poo you just had? How do you know? Do you know what your friends poo looks like? Are you familiar with the texture, colour and fragrance of the feces of your loved ones? Of course you aren't. If you are then you're probably a pervert - but that's ok.

Nobody talks about shit - in a world where it's apparently OK to make crass jokes about cancer, natural disasters and dead babies it's still surprisingly taboo to describe the last bowel movement you had. This seems like a very old fashioned view of a bodily function that even Jesus would have had to do... Especially after all that bread he was eating. This is where the expression 'Jesus on the throne' came from in case you wondered.

It's very hard to describe the smell of shit without just saying 'It smells like shit' - very occasionally one might smell like eggs. That's about it.

The toilet was a good invention. Before the toilet people just took a crap on the floor or into their hand before flinging it out of a window... and onto the floor. Sometimes people dug holes and just curled one out there - some people, when camping, still do.

The toilet was invented by Sir John Harrington some time around 1596 - credit for the invention of the water filled seat that whisks your turds away at the pull of a chain is often given to Thomas Crapper - this is because nobody wants to refer to having a jobbie as 'going for a Harrington'.

I used a public toilet for the first time in a while the other day. It was amazing inside. The place was done up in white plastic, chrome and had those blue lights that stop people shooting up heroin. It was more high-tech than my house. More than the very laptop I'm writing this blog on. Even the taps were automatic. It was like dropping a log on the set of Battlestar Galactica... None of which helped rid the splashing sound as the man in the cubicle next to mine dropped his kids off at the pool.

So, what is my point? Well, any doctor will tell you that a lot can be learnt about the state of ones health from the state of their turds. They will also kindly point out that you can tell a lot about the state of someone's mental health from the number of times they've shit themselves. Shitting oneself is not amusing in the slightest - which is strange as a really good fart is hilarious. Often the best farts lead you nicely to the point where it's 50/50 as to whether you've shit yourself or not so there's a bit of a grey area there. Seeing someone else fill their own underwear is one of the funniest things ever though.

There's nothing to be ashamed about when making a sacrifice to the porcelain gods. Like I said, everyone poo's. I bet even Angelina Jolie, often considered to be the worlds most beautiful woman, makes a face when pinching a particularly difficult loaf. It's nature. And nature is seldom a bad thing. I think we should embrace our shit. Oh, wait... not literally. I mean the act of shitting should be something to be enjoyed, revered and discussed openly. Maybe some hotlines could opened... Scat chat? Too much methinks.

Oh, by the way, if you're a girl and you read this - you don't poo. Girls simply do not poo. Everyone knows this - they powder their noses. That's all.

Going Back To The Porn Well...

2011-03-06T17:25:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a while since I posted and even longer since I posted about the most popular subject on here (incidentally, the Christian forum posts were 2 and 3 most popular respectively in case you wondered) so here are some thoughts about the nations favourite pastime - porn.

So, my love affair with the weirdness that is Japanese porn took an exciting turn tonight. As you may or not know, Japanese porn is unique in that the genitals are pixelated. This is because in Japan it is illegal to show the sex organs. As you can imagine, watching porn with the good parts pixelated out is quite surreal. Not as surreal however as the one I witnessed earlier on my porn tube site of choice - xvideos.com.

I'm watching this clip, right? Beautiful Japanese girl, naked from the waist up. Nothing unusual so far. There's the chap, naked from the top half also. Some fancy editing and here they are at it... But instead of the usual jumble of pixels getting in the way of the action there's a light. Like a really bright light over their groins. It looks like they're having a religious experience in the underwear region... I'm half expecting Jesus to pop out of her lady parts to a rousing chorus of hallelujah. Obviously for continuity it would have to be a Japanese Jesus - I'd insist on it. His beard matted with the young ladies vaginal juices and a black eye from the thrusting efforts of our young friend here doing the rutting. Is that too weird? Very possibly.

Obviously (and somewhat disappointingly) there is no second coming here - there's barely even a first one when the money shot has been obscured by this bizarre special effect. Oh well, on to the next one...

Alexis Silver is a porn actress... without the actress part. Upon finding a clip called 'High and Tight' I was just subjected to the worst bit of pretending to be a barber I have ever seen. If I was sat waiting to get my hair cut and the woman cutting it suddenly whipped out a giant pair of fake breasts and started just flapping them about in a seductive manner I'd be quite annoyed. Breasts are marvelous, don't get me wrong, but there's a time and a place and if I'm hoping to have my hair cut then I jolly well want my hair cut!

Is there a more unappealing word in the English language when it comes to pornography than 'gape'? I think not. At what point did seeing anyone's bumhole stretched so far you could shine a light up it and see it in their eyes become sexually arousing? It's like staring into the abyss. Only worse, because that's an abyss that poo comes out of. There's simply no way you can make a stretched out anus look any more attractive than a pensioners mouth or the Pit of Sarlacc...

Maybe I'm getting old. Maybe I'm strangely old fashioned... but watching a teenage girl gagging on a huge cock until she vomits on the floor is lacking in aesthetic appeal as well.

At least the cock was real though. In one video I noticed earlier there was something decidedly wrong looking about an appendage a woman had been filming sucking on. It was one of those POV (point of view - see, you learned something) videos where this buxom milf was slurping away at a veiny member as if she was trying to take the end off it when I noticed there was something... odd about his schlong. It was plastic. Not only was it plastic but it was the worst skin colour I have ever seen. Still, she got her 5 minutes and 43 seconds of fame out of pretending to give a blow job whilst her boobs swayed side to side like a couple of hippos at an Orbital gig.

There seems to be an epidemic of giggling teenage girls whipping their boobs out on cam only to have the footage uploaded to porn sites. Webcam based porn is haggard and should be banned. Grainy nonsense anyway, no production value.

Which leads me neatly to my final point, Livejasmin.com will you please fuck off with your terrified looking 'performers' staring into the camera with their haunted expressions that suggest there's a man with a large whip just off-screen. Also, give the girls a sandwich or something, they look like they haven't eaten for days. It's not porn when the first thought that pops into your head is those Al Qaeda hostage videos on the 10 o'clock news. I'm almost certain I saw one girl mouth 'help me'.

That was the last point... until I found this:

A thread on a site called wai-off-topic.com with the intriguing heading 'Ultimate Whore Prank' had me laughing for a minute until... Well, I'll explain.

The premise is simple, go to a site like Livejasmin and insult the 'performer' then screencap the resulting facial expression for LOL's all round.

Obviously there were a few examples, none of which were very mention worthy... Until this one.

What the fuck? That's insane. And creepy. And illegal. And I love that guys reaction...

That was sort of heavy to end on so here's Dennis Waterman singing the theme tune from Minder.

Sidekicks!

2011-01-24T15:41:00.001-08:00

So, you're about to go out and fight some crime. Your costume is cleaned, your car is purring like a kitten that's recently been gratified sexually and there's a villain on the loose. But wait! What have you forgotten in your one man/woman crusade against evil doers everywhere?

That's right, you need a sidekick.

A sidekick is a person who shares your ideals and your desire to go out and kick the snot out of people that dare break the law. A sidekick is also quite handy in that they are generally either an idiot you can use as a human shield or, in some cases, far harder than you are and much more likely to get the job done. Either way, a sidekick is a win. Don't leave home without one.

Choosing a sidekick is a lot like choosing a pet or a sexual partner. For some people these two things are the same thing anyway and so it becomes far less confusing but for now let's assume you're not at it with the family dog and move on.

Let me help you get through the minefield that is, choosing a sidekick!

So, there are many types of sidekick available. What kind would suit you best? Firstly, think about your powers. Do you want to lumber yourself with a sidekick with no powers or those that are a lot like yours but sort of crap? Probably not if we're fair. And remember to consider your environment too - there's nothing worse than taking your sidekick out for his fight against ne'er-do-wells only to find you've hired Aqualad, and he's flapping about on the floor of an abandoned warehouse gasping because he has gills and there's no water about. Likewise, most sidekicks tend to drown if you're the sole crime-fighter of Atlantis so, think ahead.

A pretty good bet is someone like Kato, the sidekick to The Green Hornet. You probably don't know who he is right now but there's a film out either now or soon so go and find out and then come back. I'll wait.

In the 1960's television series of 'The Green Hornet' Kato was played by none other than kung-fu legend Bruce Lee. This would put Kato in the 'harder than you are' category - a clear win. Because he is. I don't care if you have just drunk twelve pints - you still couldn't have Bruce Lee in a fight so shut up.

Don't get confused by the similarity of the names and hire yourself Cato Fong of The Pink Panther fame. He was forever testing his boss by pouncing on him. That had to be annoying. And the last thing the actor that made him famous (Bert Kwouk) was in was Last of the Summer Wine so probably best to avoid him entirely.

For those of you that like your sidekicks to be a little sexually ambiguous there was Robin. From his unisex name to his high-legged shorts, Robin oozes an uneasy sort of sex appeal. If you like young boys in capes - he's an obvious choice. I'd particularly recommend the 60's TV show version for his never ending string of catchphrases all starting with the word 'Holy'.

Here's a small example of the Holy drivel that Robin came out with:

'Holy diversionary tactics'
'Holy fork in the road'
'Holy interplanetary yard stick'
'Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods'
'Holy uncanny photographic mental processes'

And so on. He really did talk shit.

If you're looking for an earthier sidekick perhaps you might want to consider Sancho Panza. He'll follow you around obediently regardless of how ridiculous your plan is. He'll even stand by you should you start attacking innocuous farm buildings on horseback. This is a good sign - you don't want a sidekick that questions your authority. You are the hero! You bought the tights!

Or... maybe you're not that sort of hero. Perhaps you are more cerebral in your approach to crime fighting and you find the very notion of wearing tights to be beneath you, opting instead for something altogether classier like a deerstalker and a good pipe. If this is the case then you need a man like Dr. Watson to aid you in your duties protecting the public from criminal masterminds.

Dr. Watson was, well he was... Erm... He was boring wasn't he? I mean, let's be fair, what exactly does he do? He tries to solve some stuff and fails. He wanders about the place asking pointless questions and spends so long wedged firmly in the arse of Sherlock Holmes that it's a wonder he didn't suffer from a Vitamin D deficiency due to the lack of daylight.

If you don't mind having to unclog the sink daily and the risk of finding what looks suspiciously like a pube every time you're eating then perhaps Chewbacca is the sidekick for you. He does go very well with a nice leather waistcoat. The language barrier may be an issue at first but I'm fairly certain he's only going to be making noises about the impending attack from an Imperial fleet or the way it's almost impossible for him to take a shit without the fear of it getting caught in his fur so it's OK to ignore him.

Considering Chewbacca is ostensibly a pet, I can't help but feel that letting him drive your car/spaceship is a little on the odd side but he seems quite good at it. Don't go and get a particularly shaggy dog, give him a bullet belt and expect the same level of skill though - nothing will ruin your credibility with the criminal underworld quicker than footage of you screaming as your bearded collie drives your Renault Clio into some poor buggers front garden.

I think, in the world of sidekicks, the most important thing to think about is the relationship you have with them. Let's face it, you're going to be stuck with them for a long time. Getting rid of a sidekick is harder than shifting a dose of the clap. Captain America was probably fairly relieved to have gotten rid of Bucky. Who wouldn't be? He was pretty useless and dressed like an extra from a very camp western. I can only imagine the annoyance Cap felt when, decades later, he was once again lumbered with a teenage pillock by his side.

Yes, choosing a sidekick is a tricky business. Some may say 'Why is it worth the hassle, surely I can fight crime alone?' and they'd be right. But, perhaps it is worth remembering that whilst you are out there, on the mean streets of Gotham, Metropolis or Walton on the Naze, it's good to know that someone has got your back. After all, you're just one man (or woman) dressed like an idiot and battling against villains, at night, with delusions of actually making the world safer for all the non-crazy people to live in.

Plus, chances are you'll need someone to take peoples attention away from the fact you have your pants on over your trousers. Take care, true believers.

2012 - The End Of The World... Yikes!

2011-01-22T20:35:00.000-08:00

So, there's a lot of talk at the moment about 2012 being the end of the world because some people decided a long time ago that it would be. The people in question were the Mayans but don't worry if you haven't heard of these people - they are all dead. All of them. Every last one of them has croaked and it's probably a good job too because I imagine they'd be really pissed off with their phones ringing every few seconds because someone's just calling to double-check. They'd have to set up a hotline or something and I imagine that's quite tedious.

You see, that's the thing about believing something like this stuff - generally the person or persons that said it are dead.

Nostradamus is dead as well - and let me save you some thinking here, most of what he said was shit too.

Anyone can make predictions and be right some of the time. Most of the time they simply wont be. Here's an easy way for all you 2012 worriers to find this out first hand - go to a bookies. A bookies is where people place bets and a bet is little more than a prediction, OK? Walk in and take a look around. Soak up the atmosphere. Here's a pretty good bet for you, the place is full of miserable people lamenting that their team/horse or whatever they spunked their money on didn't win. Am I right? Of course I am.

This is the nature of gambling my learned friends. And the Mayans? Think on this, these guys are smart enough to predict that the world is going to end, to the very day and yet they aren't smart enough to predict none of them would be about to say 'I told you so'?

Not convinced?

Try this then, if the Mayan's were clever enough to predict the end of the world, how come they weren't smart enough to predict that nobody was going to be using the bloody Mayan calendar any more? Answer that and stay fashionable.

Oh and anyone that bought into the story about the octopus that predicted the world cup is a fucking idiot as well.

Like I said, we can all go around and make pointless predictions. And we can all die before we're proved right leaving people in hundreds of years time to retrospectively say 'Well, turns out he was eerily accurate' (because as you know, making a wild claim to become true entirely by fluke is always 'eerie' and never just 'really fucking lucky') but let's not because we're smarter than that. We're rational people with finely honed bullshit detectors and, just to make you feel a little better things even more, some birds falling out of the sky and a flood do NOT mean the apocalypse is upon is. The truth is, these things happen all the time so stop putting two and two together to make the end of all things.

Everyone knows we've got lots left to do before the sun explodes. I for one have never been in a flying car or had weird clone sex with dead celebrities. Therefore the world cannot be ending. That's my prediction and I'm sticking with it.

20 Things You ACTUALLY Should Learn Before You Die.

2011-01-07T18:59:00.000-08:00

So, you're waiting for the round-up of 2010 aren't you? Is this it? No. I'm still writing that, it takes fucking ages. In the meantime, I just read a very interesting post on some guys blog called '50 Things Everyone Should Know How To Do'.

I may have used the word 'interesting'... wrongly. I'll be honest, their list was full of things I literally could not give a shit about. From doing push-ups properly to performing a short public speech - it's basically a list of things you MIGHT need to do. One day.

So, here's a list for you. A proper list of things you need to know how to do. Who knows, it might even save your life someday.*

1. Learn when to shut up.

This one has so many applications - I mean, I love you, I do. But keep telling me about that guy at work that I've never met and his colonoscopy/pay raise/affair with the woman from the office downstairs and I'm going to have to kill you.

Also, the big guy with the unfortunately worded tattoo or Tasmanian Devil socks or whatever you have found hilarious is still a fucking big guy - please shut up because he's not going to hit you... He's going to hit me.

2. Learn to sleep... anywhere!

When at a house party, in the early hours of the morning, chances are that everyone is beginning to pass out. The smart ones among you will have taken the good spots such as the sofa or the floor by the radiator leaving you to fend for yourself wherever there is room. Train yourself at home for these situations and you too can have a good few hours kip in a BATH or propped up in a cupboard.

3. Plan your escape in the event of: Fire, Earthquake, Zombie Uprising, Alien Invasion, Flood, Angry Mob etc.

Disaster can strike at any time. Maybe not all of those listed seem plausible but I can assure you that escape plans save lives. Or money. Or something. Just write one down somewhere safe. Oh and buy stuff in tins because they will quite literally last a lot longer than you will and in the future when you are a little pile of dust the Aliens will need that stuff in tins to laugh at in their flying saucers.

4. Learn to read... books.

Do you remember books? They were good weren't they? Pages with words on and all that, I mean, it's a long time since anyone read one but they're still around. I suggest you try it.

5. Know Your Rights!

You have the right not to be killed - Joe Strummer said so. Seriously, there are lots of ways to get fucked over by the police, especially at the moment. Take some time to read up on your rights. Or don't get caught.

6. Take a joke.

Life can be a serious thing. At some point or other you will experience getting dumped, being skint and dying. These moments are not laughter fuelled. However, life is not a Mike Leigh film. It's easy to get caught up in the drama of your day to day but some things are intended to be funny. If you don't find something funny that's supposed to be then chances are, you didn't get it. Don't turn into one of those meddling twats that hovers by the phone ready to complain about every joke on the telly.

7. Telephones - and the magic that is not needing to shout in them.

I understand that the person you are talking to may be far away - but you're talking to them on a phone you fucking idiot. If you will insist on shouting, save yourself some money and just open a window.

8. A problem shared is still generally nobody else's fucking problem.

We all like to talk. We all crave the support of our friends and loved ones. But, as much as you may care about someone, the chances are they cannot muster the magical energy needed to rid you of the affections of a pesky ex or sort out your debts or get rid of that spot. Maybe, stop asking them about it and try being pro-active.

9. Learn about other cultures.

I'm not suggesting you become a leading expert in world cultures and customs but learn the basics before you look like an ignorant twat. If you don't know something - look it up or bite the bullet and simply ask a grown-up.

10. 'Reality' television is a LIE.

The second you wave a camera in someones face they stop being the same as they are at any other time. This concept should not be so hard for you to grasp. Stop becoming emotionally involved in the 'stars' of reality televisions lives. Stop reading about them after they have finished appearing on television. They are not celebrities - they are people that were filmed, briefly, being absolutely nothing like themselves.

11. Chances are... You're not going to have sex like a porno.

This one is something that everyone should learn - both man and women alike. Sex is pretty good without having to contort yourself into weird positions so people can witness penetration for themselves. Don't fret about the lack of swinging from chandeliers and just enjoy the fact you're getting laid.

12. You will NEVER look the way you think you want to and yet, people WILL still find you attractive.

You're not fat. You're not too skinny. You don't need surgery or a diet unless something about you is likely to kill or harm yourself in some way. Stop finding fault with yourself. There are lots of people who'd love to be with you just the way you are.

13. Fashion was invented to sell you shit.

This should be pretty self-explanatory but some people don't get this. The weird shit that appears on catwalks that NOBODY is ever going to wear is art. That's all. Self-indulgent, silly and utterly pointless. You're never going to pop to the shops in an all-in-one tin foil catsuit with a stuff parrot pinned to your head. If you do, well, then you're mentally unstable. Sorry about that.

The other kind of fashion is clothes that come from shops that charge more for clothes at other shops because so and so designed it. I urge to you look closely at it. There's no real difference. Anyone that talks about the superior quality of designer labels has missed the point already and can fuck off. As if it matters when you can buy 30 pairs of jeans for the price of just one designer pair. If you really need a name on your clothes then take a pen and write one. Write your own for a weird ego boost.

14. Learn the truth about Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt is not as good looking as you think he is. What's wrong with his bottom lip? It looks like he's always sucking on it just before he had his photo taken.

15. Taste in music/films/books is entirely subjective... But there is such a thing as a bad song/film/book.

There are a lot of reasons to get up in the morning and nothing excites me more than the prospect of finding something awesome I was previously unaware of. Some days though, a band or an actor or a writer can let you down so horribly that death really seems like the only option. Your death or their death - whichever you fancy really. It happens. And when it does, the temptation is to share your pain with a friend. Chances are though, they are going to disagree with you. This is for 3 possible reasons:

A. It wasn't that bad and you're having a bad day.
B. Your friend is stupid and lacking in taste.
C. Your friend hates you and is just disagreeing to annoy you further in the hope you stop whining about how Adam Sandler used to be funny.

16. You won't save the world by not using carrier bags.

Do you have any idea how many things can cause this planet to wipe people off of it like an angry kid with an etch-a-sketch? Meteors, sun spots, aliens, nuclear war, the shifting of the magnetic poles, everyone jumping and down at once... It's a big list. Do you know how many of these can be solved by your insistence at taking a 'Bag for life' to the supermarket? None. Get over it.

17. People that want to talk to you about Jesus want to talk to you - not listen to you whilst you politely disagree... or even agree.

There's something about Jesus that makes some people very excited. When these very excited people stop you as you're going about your business to discuss the finer points of his teachings they generally mean 'Please stand still so I can tell you as much as I know about Jesus and how amazing he was for as long as you can bear it.'

No matter what your view on Jesus is, just don't stop. These people will talk forever and chances are the bank is about to close or you need to pee anyway.

18. Learn that imitation is not always the sincerest form of flattery.

Sometimes, copying someone is annoying. Other times it can be fucking creepy. Don't do it.

19. The expression 'I'm not racist but...'

This expression means you're about to say something racist. Little hint for you, if you're saying racist things then chances are you are a racist. And a liar for claiming otherwise. Save everyone time by just dying or shutting the fuck up or joining the BNP and having done with it.

20. Learn that nostalgia is a terrible way to spend time.

Looking back is depressing. You were younger then, you did more. You were better looking as well probably and you had more friends and more fun. Then you got old and everything stopped making sense. Kids speak in a language you don't understand and things just aren't as good as they used to be.

Seriously, stop talking. It's not so bad. You want to go back to 4 channels then just don't watch the other 300 or so. Don't tell me everything on TV is shit. Don't tell me toys are less fun these days. Of course they are less fun to you - you're an adult. And how exactly were the toys of your youth more fun? Nothing fucking did anything at all - it was crude lumps of plastic that you were forced to buy after watching cartoons.

I recommend you spend less time moaning about the past and worry about the future. Let's face it, it's probably going to be shit.

*It won't. And if it does, you owe me a beer.

The Lost Art Of Straight Talking

2010-12-17T19:36:00.000-08:00

Do you remember when people would tell you they wanted, let you respond and then they could fuck off happily knowing you both knew what was going on?

Me too. What great days they were!

Here's some times where tact is about as useful as a mouthful of cock when you're trying to sing the national anthem live on TV:

I'm in your way.
You want me to do/say something.
You want me to stop doing/saying something.
I actually annoyed you so much you want to hit me - you know, as opposed to simply hitting me?
You want to have sex with me.
Halfway through having sex with me you realise you'd rather be having sex with someone else.
You were having sex with someone else and thought of me.
You thought you were having sex with me and then realised it wasn't me.
You owe me money.
(If I owe you money shut the fuck up)
If I just offended you.

Seriously, this whole tip-toeing around stuff is tiresome. I recently witnessed a woman in a shop take a good 15 minutes to explain that she wanted a refund on an item. She was so polite about everything, about how she wouldn't normally make a fuss and that she frequents the shop and that she didn't really mind that the item wasn't quite up to scratch and she didn't mean to bother anyone and...

And...

And so I told the cashier the fucking thing was broken and to give her her money back. It took me 30 seconds.

Occasionally there are times where a little diplomacy and tact are needed. In all honesty though, I can't think of any.

A Little Life Lesson - ooh, an alliterative blog title!

2010-12-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

It's been a funny sort of week. If I were more inclined to sound like a twat I'd call it 'an emotional roller coaster' although, were that the case, with my history of roller coasters this week would have been less about emotive states and more about my eyes rolling into my head whilst I vomited on the poor sod sitting next to me.

I learned an awful lot this week though, and as I'm nice I'm going to share it with you. Yes, you. You lucky, lucky bastards.

There's a very good reason I don't tell people the deep dark shit that resides in my head. You see, life has what I like to refer to as 'zero predictability' - I learned that snazzy little expression after a trip to hospital to have a drip put in after half a bottle of vodka almost killed me. I know what you're thinking, 'Half? I've seen you drink best part of an optic sized bottle of Jack Daniels...' and you'd be right. This here is my point my learned friends. Alcohol, and the effect is has on ones body, cannot be predicted. Much like our lives can't either.

So, why am I telling you this? Well, you see, it's like this - I recently realised that for every one person telling me that I should open up more and 'let more people in' (which is a suspect phrase if ever I've ever heard one and immediately brings to mind images of me being gang-bummed) there are bloody loads that remind me to keep my mouth shut by giving me a harsh metaphorical knee to the groin.

The fact is, you can't be sure that someone is going to be around forever. They can say the nicest things to you, make you so sure that you want to unburden yourself to their ever listening ear holes and promise you that what you say is safe but the truth is, they're probably lying about one, if not all parts of it.

Things happen and people get bored and they wander off to whatever they were doing before or whatever they want to do next. It happens. Make peace with it kids, it could happen to you too. And they take with you whatever you told them.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you shouldn't trust anyone. I'm not saying that in the instances I've been talking about I've been betrayed by someone in the traditional sense of them blabbing my deepest and darkest secrets to anyone. I doubt that's happened and I doubt it ever will. What I'm trying to tell you in a round about way (think taxi drivers when you've had a couple and you want to mention that you've been down this road twice already but you've caught sight of him and he's a dirty big looking fucker and you think he might actually kill you so you shut up) is that people seldom realise that during the act of unburdening - which sounds dirtier than it is - you give away more than just words. Those words carry a weight with them. A piece of you goes to them with every memory, every secret...

So, once they've fucked off and left you to it you're left with a gaping hole in you. And that hole takes a while to fill again. It takes a while to trust again and it takes a while to want to talk again. So I ask you, is it worth it? Is it worth unleashing the crazy shit that you bottle up on a daily basis? Is it worth revealing the things that really make you... you? Is giving away such a large piece of yourself to someone that won't stick around to make sure you're OK afterwards a really good idea?

Of course it fucking isn't. But we all do it. We all want to be understood. We all want to be accepted. We all want to feel like the insanity that we possess is no more than we should be carrying around with us and we do this by reaching out to those we care about. Just make sure they care enough to realise the importance of this for fucks sake.

I should very much hate to end on a downer but it's my blog and I feel wretched. And no, I'm not telling you why. Did you learn nothing?

Champagne Taste, Lemonade Budget.

2010-11-20T05:39:00.000-08:00

You don't get to be as fat as I am without generating a bit of overtime for those poor sods at Greggs. Food is most certainly one of my passions and this here is a guide to posh food and how to pretend you've got some when, in truth, you've never even seen it let alone tasted it.

I'm not posh (I'm a working class hero, right kids?) and I've very rarely had opportunity to chow down on haute cuisine* but I do know that where there's a will, there's a way to blag it. Let's look at some examples shall we?

1. Pâté: This ground up meat stuff can be hellishly expensive - particularly if you're going to impress your guests with pâté de foie gras - made from fattened goose livers. Those lucky enough to be from the upper classes eat this spread on crackers or little bits of bread that have been fried far too much as an hors d'œuvre. It's rich, dear and pointless.

The Alternative: Paste - available from just about any food shop in the UK and available in a variety of flavours. Beef or sardine and tomato for your basic sandwich filling purposes or, for those of you more adventurous types, try chicken and herbs for an altogether classier soirée. You can get a jar for less than a quid. Serve on little triangles of toast to really show off your culinary prowess.

2. Truffles: These black or white balls of fungus are a prized ingredient in any chefs larder. Found in Italy, by pigs, they add a touch of class to anything apparently. I wouldn't know - I wouldn't put one in my mouth.

The alternative: Now, this one was a little tricky. The thing with truffles is they are surprisingly versatile for something that looks suspiciously like a week old dog turd. I've seen them grated on Masterchef and I've been told some people prefer to use oil made from them. For grating I'm opting for the humble Oxo cube. It's brown and comes in foil - and we all know foil oozes class, right? If that doesn't work for you then use a mushroom and some imagination.

3. Caviar: The ultimate in eating things based on reputation rather than anything else, this takes fannying about to new heights. Regardless of it's fancy name this foodstuff is fish eggs. For an idea of the rubbish spoken about caviar here's a bit from the description of Beluga from the London Fine Foods website -

'000 graded Beluga eggs are the largest in size with opalescent, grey-blue tints and a delightfully delicate skin that pops on the roof of your mouth with a truly 'palate- tickling' creamy after taste.'

Yes, they are talking about fish eggs gently exploding in your mouth.

The Alternative: Luckily for you there's a cheaper version of this culinary treat available at your local chip shop. Cod Roe is, as far as I'm concerned, the same as Caviar. Forget the fancy descriptions and the price tag - if you want to consume unfertilized fish eggs then by all means.

4. Escargot: Now, for those of you not gifted with the art of language, escargot is a posh word for snail. The slimy, shelled little buggers that crunch underfoot as you head out of the front door after it's been raining. Yes, in some parts of the world these are considered a delicacy.

The alternative: This one is pretty simple. For those of you that insist on a slimy, nasty tasting snack that lives in a shell try whelks. They are reasonably cheap and you can get them from anywhere that sells fresh fish. If you want to avoid this entirely I'd suggest vol-au-vents - these sound posh but are, in actual fact, little cups made of pastry filled with anything you like. Closer to a sausage roll than Brian from the Magic Roundabout.

If you're still struggling to pull off the ultimate cheap dinner party then get friends with lower expectations or a better job.

*It's French for la di da grub.

A Quick Guide To Asian Cinema.

2010-11-13T20:13:00.000-08:00

I thought I might take a quick moment to use this blog to celebrate something I've loved for years - Asian cinema. And, to make it more interesting for you and less work for me I've decided to post a load of clips and trailers and stuff.

Isn't that exciting?

Anyone that says they can't watch a film with subtitles is lying - the truth is they won't. Anyone is capable. And there are some incredible flicks out there for those willing to step outside the mainstream...

Oh, and one last point - remakes are generally shit. If someone tells you a remake of an Asian movie is good then I can assure you with a degree of certainty that they didn't watch the original.

*WARNING* Some of these trailers are not for the squeamish.

First up - one of my favourites:

Save the Green Planet looked like a quirky comedy. For a few minutes it was... Then suddenly it becomes a quirky comedy mixed with a horror flick with a healthy dose of sci-fi. It's nothing short of insane.

I'd love to be able to tell you that this film has some powerful underlying message but it seemed to me to literally be about a guy that loses the plot. Or maybe doesn't lose the plot. That's basically what it is - a guy that seems to be insane doing insane things. Maybe someone more scholarly could tell me otherwise but I'd be too busy watching this flick to listen to them.

Next up - what happens when you cross the Sound of Music with Evil Dead? You end up with this:

This film has it all. Literally. From the bizarre animation at the beginning to the love story through the deaths and the song and dance numbers it leaves no emotion untouched. It's the single greatest way to spend an evening - particularly if you have any really easily confused friends.

Admittedly, the number of people I know that have watched and enjoyed this flick is somewhere around three and that's probably being generous but then when you take so many genres and cram them into one film a lot of people are left feeling bewildered. It's genuinely a masterpiece though - as long as your definition of masterpiece is 'something a bit odd' and not the same as the dictionary.

Honourable mentions number one:

Visitor Q - this film is so sick and twisted that the trailer makes very little sense at all. I opted to leave the trailer out of this blog because I've seen Visitor Q at least twice and the trailer confused the shit out of me.

If you like the idea of a film featuring drug abuse, lactating middle aged women and necrophilia then watch this. And then seek help. Thanks.

Next up, and sticking with the theme of things just not staying dead...

When some Yakuza guys play in the wrong part of the forest bad things happen. This story about a pissed off spirit, some gangsters and the Forest of Resurrection may not make a lot of sense on first viewing but it's fun to watch nonetheless.

It's actually quite easy to accuse Versus of being a case of all style and no substance. And in many ways you'd be right to do so. It does suffer a little from being very much of the time it was made but don't let that put you off. It's an enjoyable film and some of the fight scenes are amazing.

Now some Korean weirdness for you.

The scene above is taken from Old Boy - a Korean revenge flick about a guy that was kidnapped and locked away for 15 years only to be suddenly released with no explanation whatsoever. This scene, known affectionately as 'that bit where he fucks up loads of guys with a hammer' is one continuous scene with no cuts. Pretty smooth huh?

And if violence toward people doesn't do enough for you then here's the hero of the flick chowing down on some live sea-life.

Before any of you animal rights people start the scene was relevant and not just thrown in for shock factor. Yes, it is grim and yes, it is a live squid or octopus or whatever but trust me when I say it makes sense in context.

Terrible dubbing ahead...

This classic scene is from Hong Kong flick, The Story of Ricky. Interesting usage of the word 'story' in the title as the film is pretty much some stuff loosely threaded together by a series of increasingly ridiculous fight scenes. I've watched this film a lot (Yes, I happen to own copies of everything I've written about) and it never fails to make me laugh and wince repeatedly.

Let's go to China for the next one shall we?

Kung-Fu films tend to take themselves very seriously - well, good ones do. Bruce Lee was great at kicking the snot out of people (including Chuck Norris) but he wasn't much for a laugh. Jackie Chan (who somewhat suspiciously has had the face of a 50 year old man since he was in his teens) brought about the comedy Kung-Fu film but they are generally as appealing as an Old Boy seafood special so it's good to see a martial arts based comedy that's actually funny and doesn't make you want to eat a live cephalopod in the hope you choke on it.

Oh, by the way, there was a spoof Kung-Fu film out a few years ago called Kung-Pow: Enter the Fist. This film is funny for about 3 minutes and then the realisation that it doesn't get any better creeps up on you before bludgeoning you with a pair of Nunchucks. If anyone say's to watch that I recommend you politely tell that person to piss off.

Honourable mentions number two:

Japan is famous for it's horror films. From the Ring series to The Eye it's found any number of ways to creep us out, shock us and make us want to sleep with the lights on. Why aren't they in this list? Because chances are you've seen them already. Or you were unlucky enough to see the American remakes. Either way this is my list and I didn't want to add them.

Finally, possibly one of my favourite films of all time...

One of the most controversial films ever made and based on a book that couldn't have come from any country other than Japan, this film takes satire and social commentary to levels that are both thought provoking and shocking.

The tale of a group of people taken to a secret location to off each other is not a new one. We've seen it many times before and after from the Arnie classic The Running Man to Stone Cold Steve Austins 'The Condemned' - when the people in question are a class of school children though the film takes a far darker turn. Like a more fucked up, modern version of 'Lord of the Flies' this film is uncomfortable viewing and has numerous strong messages running throughout about loyalty, trust in the government and acts as a precautionary tale for teenagers and urges them to think before blindly following the requests of those older than they are. If you only see one of the films in this blog - make it this one.

Friends

2010-10-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes even I get nostalgic. Now, I know what you're thinking. And you're right in doing so - It was me that said (on numerous occasions) that nostalgia is shit.

So what has caused this U-turn? What possible reason can I have for going back on my previous statement? Well, the answer is pretty straightforward - I miss a lot of people.

I look back at my life and try and tally up the number of people I've ever met. For as anti-social as I am I've met, and been friends with, a shit load of people. Some I still see and some I don't. Some I actually despise and some almost certainly despise me. Some drifted in and out of my life without making much of an impact and some... well let's just say I still wear the scars from those particular encounters. And don't even get me started on the Ex's.

But what happened? How did life get in the way of a huge percentage of these friendships? Sometimes I sit and wonder about the sheer randomness of it all. The chance encounters, the improbability of it all. Have you ever looked at your friends - I mean really looked at them - and asked yourself 'How the bloody hell did we end up being mates?' If you have, don't feel bad. It's a perfectly natural question for these people are your family of choice. They share your life with you and it's fair to assess them every now and then.

Sometimes I have to ask myself how certain people remained a part of my life despite there being so very little common ground. Sometimes the opposite is true and I'm forced to examine why I'm not closer to people that think like me and are into a lot of the same stuff.

Every now and then, granted not that often, I'll meet someone and know I'm destined to be close to them. Sometimes I try but there's never that comfortable feeling. Most of the time now I meet people and I'm left feeling slightly alienated. Like I was late to a show and missed the best part. Like life is a joke I'm not in on.

It's hard making friends at 28. This sounds ridiculous but it's true. I knew how to make friends at 8 - that was easy. A mutual love of a cartoon was enough to forge a bond at 8. A mutual disliking for another 8 year old equally so. In fact, generally if you stick a kid in a room with another kid for 2 hours they would leave that room with a stronger bond than I manage to forge with just about anyone and all they did was play with toys for a bit.

I knew how to make friends at 18 too. I had all the chat back then - a decade ago. Social situations forced me into conversation with any number of strangers and a rapport was never far away. Some of those friends I have to this day and if anyone tells you that a friendship made whilst drunk is destined to fail then you can tell them to piss off.

28 though... 28 is different. What do people do at 28 to make new friends? You should have got the friend thing worked out at 28. The friend problem should have been well taken care of but life isn't like that. You move away. They move away. Some die. Some get married and you never hear from them again. Some simply grow tired of you...

Are the rules the same at 28? Do you simply select a potential friend and strike up a conversation? Maybe so but now things are so complicated. There's social politics for one. You have a friend that fell out with their friend for example. That's going to render any potential social situation awkward. Score one for failure.

Well, there's always the Internet. I've met some amazing people online and I love them all but nowadays there's a stigma attached to social networking. In fact, there's very little social about it. Look at the way Myspace changed - it's almost as if everyone decided at once that they'd met all the people they wanted to and shut up shop for good.

Yes, making friends at 28 is hard work. I like to think I'm not done with it yet though.

I heard the most beautiful story once about a school - I forget who told me it. It was about a school that had a tree outside by the playground with a seat underneath and if you were stuck for someone to play with that day then you could sit under the tree and someone would come and play with you. Just a seat and a tree and that was enough - you'd never need to feel lonely again. If only all of life were that simple.

I apologise to those that clicked onto my blog today to have a laugh as I ripped into something. I can assure you there'll be more of that soon. Right now though, I want you to do me a favour. It's a big favour but I make no apologies for it... Think about that story. Think about that tree and the kid sat there waiting for someone to come along and play with them. I'm blessed to have the friends I have and I love them all for all they've ever done for me. I'm a lucky guy to have known the people I did and I wish I'd have stuck with more of them. Yes, sometimes I feel lonely. I mean, who doesn't? But there are some people on this big green/blue ball we call Earth that are far lonelier than I ever will be. Keep an eye out for those people and give them a bit of your time. It shouldn't matter how old you are or what you are into. I mean, like I said earlier - look at your friends and think of the sheer randomness of it all.

The world is that school my friends and the sky is that tree... And for as long as there as there are people in the world as awesome as my friends then there should never be anyone left on that seat.

Cheers.

Chilean Miners.

2010-10-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

Today we witnessed 33 men being pulled out of a hole to scenes of jubilation - last time we saw 33 men pulled out of a hole the scenes were more of concern... Because nobody knew if Jordan would ever walk properly again.

There was some squabbling amongst the Chilean miners as to who would be last out - the final miner out of the hole would be in the Guiness Book of Records. I tried to get in the Guiness Book of Records by spending 2 months in a hole but I had to pull out of it the second time she went to the toilet.

With 24 hour footage being shown and 33 men trapped in a confined space together it's a wonder we never saw a nostalgic Davina McCall there.

Seriously though, I'm happy they are out. They stand to make a lot of money from their ordeal. It may even make them famous - although coming out of there in sunglasses was a little bit pretentious if you ask me. To be honest if they were wearing them in the mine it might explain how the fucking thing collapsed in the first place.

Rumours that the film 'The Human Centipede' was based on the miners unique way of sharing a biscuit are as of yet unconfirmed.

Congratulations on a fantastic rescue operation though. Watching all those chaps popping out that hole one after the other was like CCTV footage of Kerry Katona in the maternity ward.

Why America Is Actually Better Than You're Told It Is By Lazy Comedians.

2010-10-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

Let me get one thing clear before I start this blog - I have NEVER been to America. I have friends there, family there and know a lot of people that have been there but I have never visited it. Mostly because I've not been able to afford it.

I must have watched a hundred comedians slag of the USA. They may have been there, they may not have but, rest assured, they make the same jokes every single time.

These jokes are:

1. Americans are stupid.
2. Americans are adverse to travelling to anywhere that isn't America.
3. Americans are fat.
4. Everything in America is too big.
5. America is almost exclusively populated by Rednecks/religious fanatics/right-wing extremist gun toting arseholes.

Oh, and let's not forget - 5. They talk funny and spell words wrong.

So, let's look at these shall we?

Number one - stupid Americans. I have no doubt that there are some pretty stupid Americans. There has to be. They say a cliche doesn't become a cliche unless it's true. But are Americans more stupid than say, those people that recycle the same shit jokes we've been hearing about a nation for over 40 years? Are they more stupid than the guests on Jeremy Kyle or the hosts of ITV's 'Loose Women'?

Americans invented an awful lot of very useful stuff - like fridges and roller skates and GPS and smoke detectors and napalm.

Number two - travel. Have you ever been on a family holiday? Crammed into the family car with your nearest and dearest (and a fair chunk of your possessions) heading to some unpleasant little coastal town for a fortnight of doing very little except eating things that are slightly better where you are than they are at home? Of course you have. We all have.

It takes 5 hours to get from London to Cornwall assuming there is no other traffic on the roads and nobody stops to go the toilet. This is an excruciatingly long time. And by the middle of the third hour your mind has begun to sink to some very low places indeed. Places where you 'accidentally' open the car door and heave a noisy sibling out as you speed down the motorway just to make a little more room in the sweaty metal box you're trapped in.

It takes about 13 hours to get from Chicago to New York. This is because America is so very big (more on this later) and after 13 hours of travel (nearly 3 times the length of time it's taken your family to get to Cornwall) these poor Americans are still in America. It's not their fault. It's all down to geography. And when a country is as large as this one there's really very little need to go anywhere else. I'm fairly sure that although Dallas and New York have some similarities they are very different places. Going from one side of the USA to the other will take you through such diverse places as California (the home of Hollywood) and Tennessee (the home of the Ku Klux Klan)

3. Fatty fat fatso Americans. The World Health Organisation recently published the results of health surveys taken between 2000 and 2008 on world obesity. America was not at number 1.

In fact, when you look at the results of the survey there's a huge drop in percentages between the 2 top nations (American Samoa, 93.5% of the population that is overweight and Kiribati who weigh in at a whopping 81.5%) and that of the USA (66.7%)

The population of the USA is (as of right now) 310,431,140 people. 66.7% of that is 207,057,570 which means that there are 103,373,570 non-obese people strolling around America avoiding the glares of the chubbies as they do so.

The population of the UK is 61,414,062. This means that there are more thin people in the USA than we have people FULL STOP.

For every overweight celebrity they throw at us we respond with one of our own. For their Roseanne we have Dawn French, for Ricki Lake we came back with Vanessa Feltz... They gave us James Gandolfini and we gave them Robbie Coltrane.

I think I've made some sort of point here. Let's move on...

4. Size matters. Like I said earlier America is a bloody ginormous country. It's approximately 3,800,000 square miles. Of course everything is bloody big over there - can you imagine trying to fill a country that big with piddly little things? They need big cars to make their big roads look normal sized. They need huge buildings to cover the vast amount of land they have there. If everything there was the same size as it is here then America would be filled with vast expanses of next to sod all.

5. Americans are all... Well, this is a difficult one for me. America has legalised firearms and this, if you ask me is a really stupid idea. Not because they are Americans but because they are people. If you give ANY people means to hurt other people they generally tend to. People are annoying like that. Give a kid a pointy stick and within 10 minutes he's almost had someone's eye out. It's in our nature. Are they all gun-toting? No. A considerable amount of them agree that guns are not ideal and lobby against them.

Are all Americans Rednecks? Well, what is a Redneck? According to Wikipedia (the lazy bloggers resource tool) a Redneck is historically a derogatory slang term to refer to poor white Southern farmers in the United States. Well, this won't take long will it? America is a country that is blessed with incredible wealth for some whilst others are still piss poor. This immediately eliminates a lot of people. Farming is one industry of many - all of those non-farmers can step down. And white? Well, America is a country of many colours and creeds - so we've answered that a bit sharpish.

Same applies to religious fanatics - there are some. There are MANY. But certainly not all. So shut up.

5. You say 'tomato' - Have you ever been up north? Yorkshire maybe... Or even Cumbria. They say the daftest things up there and these are English speaking towns. They have confusing words and spellings and accents and they are only up the bloody motorway. Anyone that genuinely thinks that Americans should spell words the same way we do has such a minimal grasp on etymology that frankly nobody wants to listen to them anyway. Language changes and evolves with people and it would actually be weirder for them to spell color with a 'u' than for them not to.

This does not apply however to the word 'aluminium' - the element is called aluminium but for some odd reasons the Americans changed it in 1925. Even though the new one doesn't match all the other elements ending in 'ium' - daft sods. If you want to complain about something then I recommend that.

So, there you go. Print out a copy of this blog and next time you see a shit comedian ripping into the same tired old cliches about America just get them to read this. If nothing else it will keep them quiet for a bit.

News And That.

2010-10-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a bit of a funny week for good ol' Great Britain. The nation are divided over whether or not David Cameron is in fact the Antichrist or not and equally split over whether or not Cheryl (who was previously convicted for assault yet was found not guilty of a racially aggravated assault occasioning actual bodily harm) is a massive racist* for booting off a beautiful and talented young singer off of televisions X-Factor just because she is black.

If Cameron was smarter he'd have taken the heat away from his ludicrously unfair child benefit policy by giving Cheryl Cole a high profile job in the cabinet. It's a Conservative government after all so a spot of casual racism here and there is considered less of a drawback and more of an entry requirement.

However, instead of making himself look like less of a bastard he promptly sent some immigration officers round to boot her out of the country. And don't say he didn't do it - he's the fucking Prime Minister and the immigration people work directly for him.

Anyway, enough of that. Let's talk about something positive shall we? I'm absolutely positive these Ukrainian lion tamers were shit...

It's hard to feel too sorry for them. You get the feeling that those lions were biding their time and attacked for good reason. Hats off to the chap recording it though, that's some decent footage. I particularly enjoyed the man with the hose - he's obviously had to stop a few cats shagging in his time.

Interesting story in Torquay as a dead man lay on a roof for 30 days after falling off a cliff. It shows the level of interest the people of Torquay take in their surroundings doesn't it. And it's also proof that due to the sheer number of very old people living there the entire town smells vaguely of death - at least enough to cover the smell of a man decomposing on a roof in June (that's when he fell, the article is about the inquest)

Some of those arty types I dislike so much are putting on an interactive show at the Barbican where the audience can sleepover. Apparently the show consists of some stuff to make you sleepy and then you can clean your teeth, get changed into your nightwear and nod off for seven hours before having breakfast and going home. There are a choice of beds available from single to triple. I can't wait for the first reports of a woman screaming as an overweight, bearded and naked man clambers into the wrong bed in a confused state after going for a late night piss.

Here's some of the BBC News article.

Producer Simon Casson said the show would be "reassuring and very, very cosy".

"Every time I go to the theatre I fall asleep, so I thought why don't we embrace that idea and make a show that deliberately sends people to sleep?" he added.

He should probably avoid going to see shit plays shouldn't he. I would probably skip anything that Ben Elton had a hand in for a start. What a fucking stupid idea. I have somewhere already I like to go to watch something and fall asleep it's called a sofa. It costs nothing to go there and I'm never surrounded by the kind of cunts that paid money to see a show so they could sleep with some strangers in the Barbican.

Have a good Thursday. Or don't.

*If you ask me there's no smoke without fire.

Dolphins and Bucket Lists.

2010-09-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

Just now I saw something that made me think. I like it when that happens. The thing in question was a link shared on Facebook about swimming with dolphins - which is nice I suppose if you like that sort of thing. But this link was followed by a statement about it being adding it to the persons 'bucket list' and that got my brain ticking...

A bucket list is, to put it simply, a list of X number of things to do before you 'kick the bucket' (or die if you live in a cave and have never heard that expression) it was made more famous in a film starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson in 2007.

The bucket list is a horrible, depressing concept that forces you to look at your life in a way that you should find extremely uncomfortable. Not only does it make you acutely aware that you are going to die it also reminds of you the things you never did whilst you were able. Isn't that lovely?

There are so many reasons that a person may not be able to visit the pyramids during their short existence on this planet. Endless excuses for having never climbed a mountain, jumped from a plane or eaten a live octopus. Life often gets in the way of any fantasy we have about just pissing off in an exotic country for a month or two and even if you find yourself with oodles of free time there's the financial considerations to think about.

So, what a morbid affair a bucket list is. And what's worse is that it is generally the same list no matter whose you read. Like everything else in life it follows trends and the number one thing for a person to do before they die is, unsurprisingly given the link that set me off, swimming with dolphins.

What's so good about a dolphin anyway? A mammal it may be but it looks and smells like a big grey fish. You get yourself to a country that has dolphins nearby - get into the water and sort of splash about a bit. And this is the number one thing people want to before they die? Sounds a little pointless to me. Why not running with a herd of bison or flying with a flock of geese?

I'm not going to make a bucket list - life is full of enough disappointment without me having to worry I never ate a curry in India on my deathbed as well. When I die I'd rather just die knowing I did everything I could without forcing myself to feel bad about the things I never got to.

And as for dolphins... Well, if I ever do make a list of things I'd like to do before I die and they are as bloody amazing as everyone makes out then they can come for a walk with me. It's my sodding list after all.

Charity Shop/Car Boot Sale Complaint Blog.

2010-09-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

I am about to complain about something. I know, I know - sit down for a moment and let the shock pass. Perhaps make a cup of tea. It's OK, I'll wait for you to get back.

Done? Happy now? Tea in hand and prepared for a rant about something or other?

Super.

I have a genuine problem with charity shops. It's true that they offer a fantastic service by taking items donated by the public to resell to the public and the proceeds are then passed on to the charity in question.

This is a great idea and I support it. I have found lots of awesome stuff in charity shops and I have, in my time, donated a shed load of stuff. So what is the problem then? I'll tell you.

Throughout the course of a day on TV there are a lot of TV shows designed to make you believe that you can make a fortune selling all of your old shit. These daytime shows clog up every channel with handy hints and 'expert' advice and show people how to squeeze every last penny out of the things they don't want anymore by taking them to dealers or flogging them at auction. Some of these shows even offer you money for this stuff during the course of the program like a Reality Television version of Cash Converters.

So, what does this oddly British culture of selling our toot on TV have to do with charity shops?

Well, the thing about these programs is that they are completely stupid. Everyone that has ever spent any amount of time selling anything knows that a market in anything, in particular 2nd had stuff or collectibles, is dictated by the buyer. I know what a copy of Daredevil number one is worth - does that mean I want to pay that amount for it? Not it does not. If I find one being sold under guide price then I am going to buy it. Price guides be damned! They are an exercise in futility anyway.

One someone at a charity shop see's one of these programs or buys a price guide then they immediately price the item according to it's 'market value'.

Let me fill you in on a little secret here 'market value' is a fucking MYTH. The value of something has to be agreed by all parties or else it is WRONG. Simply put, if you want a fiver for a hardback copy of Noel Edmunds memoirs and I want to give you 10p then we can't both be right.

I am forever going to charity shops and seeing items priced ludicrously. I've seen comics on sale for more than I would ever consider selling them at (and I spent a long time buying and selling comics so I know what I'm talking about) and I go week after week and they sit there collecting dust because nobody wants to buy a 'market value' item at 'market value' price from a static jumble sale.

And it doesn't end with comics. I've seen horrendously overpriced books, handbags, pottery, glassware... If anything has ever cropped up on 'Cash In The Attic' or David Dickinson's 'Real Deal' then you can expect it to have a sticker on it with more numbers than anyone really feels comfortable saying out loud.

I always thought the point of a charity shop was to raise money for a charity, not to compete with high street shops. Surely an item sold is money made and an item left on a shelf because nobody wants to pay what's being asked for it is as much use as no item at all? Or is that just a leap of logic too far for those in the charity sector.

Of course, it's not just charity shops that this applies to. Car boot sales are one of this nations favourite past-times. A field is occupied for a Sunday morning by some people eager to make money by selling all the crap they shouldn't have bought in the first place. They are nice, noisy, bustling affairs and I've enjoyed them since I was a kid.

Nowadays however a car boot sale is like walking onto the set of the Antiques Roadshow as people try and convince you that every item is 'rare', 'a collectable' or 'that someone off the telly just got fifty quid for it' and they 'only want five'.

Sometimes I can forgive these people as chancers. Sometimes I can forgive them because you the sense that they have really done their homework and for that reason alone I spare them my usual look of absolute disdain.

Sometimes though you can tell instantly that these people are so horribly misguided that they thought they saw something similar on TV and are now positive that they are sitting on a goldmine.

The only thing more frustrating than a seller at a car boot sale knowingly overpricing an item is a seller overpricing an item because they are fucking stupid.

So, if you work in a charity shop and are pricing things up according to these mythological guides - please stop. You are there to raise funds for a good cause. You are not a specialist dealer in anything other than cast-offs and good will.

As for you car booters - you're not fooling anyone. Stop watching the fucking telly - these shows are for entertainment. They are not a lifestyle guide however they are marketed. Your stuff is worth exactly as much as someone is prepared to pay for it and no more. If you need proof of this type something into ebay and look at the results.

That's me done for tonight. Anyone have anything to say?

Lady Gaga In Tedious Meat Dress Stunt

2010-09-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

Having a bit of a browse through the old Interweb tonight I must have run into the story of Lady Gaga and her dress made of meat about 100 times. Now, there's been an awful lot said about this latest stunt by the oddball pop star but these are by far my favourites...

Bear in mind that on the whole these comments were made by people with far too much knowledge of things we don't actually need like 'cool' and 'fashion' so it's ostensibly a load of old shit.

The BBC news site had posed the question 'Pop star Lady Gaga has made the headlines again for wearing a dress made of slabs of meat to the MTV Video Music Awards in LA. So what is she trying to say with her latest creation?'

So, here are some answers from 'experts' (oddly these are experts in fashion and not in meat - but more on that later)

"It's anti-fashion," says Andrew Groves, course director of the BA in fashion design at the University of Westminster.

Excuse me Andrew Groves but what the fuck are you talking about? If she had turned up in a pair of polyester slacks and a grey jumper then that would have been 'anti'fashion' but this was a walking butchers shop window. And anyway, if it was 'anti'fashion' by it's own definition you know fuck all about it so shush.

Next up is Laurie Penny, a feminist writer and blogger apparently.

"It's a clever play on women being viewed as chunks of flesh, as pieces of meat, as things to be consumed," she says.

Right, so Lady Gaga is of the opinion that women are to be consumed? I know she's batshit crazy but I'm pretty sure she doesn't genuinely think the world is full of Ed Gein types waiting to chew her face off. And yes, I know it was a very clever metaphor but guess what, I'm going to be glib about it and take her literally because I'm a man and she can go and iron something.

So, that was the view from the expensive seats. Let's hear what a real expert has to say on the matter.

On the MSN homepage the headline reads: 'Butchers blast Lady Gaga's meat dress'

It's a short article so I'll copy the whole thing out.

'Lady Gaga's controversial "meat dress" has come under fire again - this time from butchers.

Peter Cacioppo, head butcher at New York's famous Ottomanelli Brothers, said: "There are no expensive cuts here, no real steaks. And it ain't refrigerated. It's probably stinking bad. She's in the lights: it's cooking."

He estimated it took about 25lbs of meat to make the dress.

"It's the cheaper end cuts - not including her. You got about $100 of meat there," said fellow butcher Mark Cacioppo.'

So, there you have it. If the dress was intended as a statement then Lady Gaga made it using the arseholes and nostrils and other such bits and, in doing so, have pissed off some butchers.

So, does anyone have anything else to say? Let's have a look shall we?

Annoying vegan do-gooders PETA had this to say:

"Lady Gaga has a hard time being 'over the top,'" said People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "Someone should whisper in her ear that there are more people upset by butchery than impressed by it."

I think that's a lie. There are far more meat eaters in the world than there are whining veggies and proof of this is that those that eat meat never felt the need to form a club, make fancy little slogans and spend all their time making everyone else feel bad.

I am very impressed by butchery and so should everyone else be. A butcher can tell how good a cut of meat is by simply looking at a dress made from the stuff. Can you PETA types do the same thing with a suit made of carrots? No you can't.

Anyway, the question originally posed by the BBC was 'what was Gaga trying to say?' and here are 3 ideas that, somewhat oddly, they never printed on their website.

Idea 1. Lady Gaga is completely fucking mental.

Idea 2. Lady Gaga wanted to freak out Cher.

Idea 3: Lady Gaga really, really (and I do mean really) loves meat.

Next week see J-Lo in a frock made of fish fingers and then we'll be subjected to the backlash afterwards as well an in-depth analysis from Captain Birdseye.

Fire! At The Queen Vic

2010-09-09T18:46:00.000-07:00

Well, the Queen Vic has once more burst into flames. As the nation looked on, struggling to come to terms with how Phil 'Grunting Potato' Mitchell turned so quickly into Jack Torrence, the longest serving landlady in Albert Square watched her precious pub explode in a gripping episode of Eastenders.

But I'm not here to talk about that episode. Oh no. I'm here to talk about why you wouldn't want to live in Albert Square.

Here's 6 reasons why the fictional East End square isn't all standing round the old Joanna singing 'Knees up mother brown'.

1. Stuff catches fire. A lot.

Here's a quick guide to things that were alright until some careless sod burnt them down.

The Queen Vic - this isn't the first arson attempt at the famous East End boozer. Grant Mitchell attempted to burn it down way back in 1992 in a storyline the current writers are hoping nobody remembers.

The Cafe - burned down by Nasty Nick Cotton as he kept a few hostages. What would his dear old ma say eh?

Random house 1 - After May, the worst doctor I have ever seen on TV, went nuts again whilst hunting for fresh baby she decided to have a cigarette to calm down a bit. Silly cow only had the gas on though and went and exploded most of a house.

The Club 1 - You know the club? The only other place to drink in Walford without having to take a cab 'up tahn'? It used to be called E20 and it got burnt down by a very angry woman named Mel. This was made possible by the most flammable alcohol in the history of the universe.

Random house 2 - Halloween and Evil Trevor has gotten his victim of a missus holed up in their house. And that catches fire too. She escapes but Trevor is toast, along with hero Tom - and a nation cried. A bit. And then realised nobody really knew who Tom was anyway.

The Club 2 - Back in the good old days Dirty Den had a club called the Dagmar. A club he then set fire to claim the insurance money. He seemed to set a trend here. The rogue!

2. People get shot.

The following people are but a few of the Square's gun shot victims since the soaps beginning in 1785.

Phil Mitchell, Jack Branning, Michelle Fowler, Jane Beale, Ian Beale, Dennis... no, sorry he was stabbed. I think I've run out... Paul Trueman was probably shot. Jack Dalton, Danny Moon... I can't be arsed to find more. It's a lot.

3. Relationships are DOOMED!

Tanya took Max to the woods and buried him alive only to dig him up later and sod off. A novel way of dealing with adultery.

Den gave Angie her marching orders in the Christmas special in the most watched soap episode ever apparently.

Trevor went mad, raped his missus and kidnapped her only to die in a fire.

Lucas got all hopped up on Jesus Juice and whacked his ex, his wife's ex and the family dog before prowling the streets at night for prostitutes to 'heal'.

Janine pushed her tubby hubby off a cliff.

The list is quite literally endless. Does anyone stay together? Not really.

4. Bleedin' gangsters everywhere!

From Johnny Allen to Danny Hunter, the Square has been besieged by gangsters for years now. And they're proper East End gangsters with suits and clubs and dolly birds. It's like a dream Scorcese had one night when he was suddenly born and raised within the sound of the Bow Bells. Cor blimey guv'nor.

5. Dogs stick around longer than people.

There's been a huge variety of dogs amongst the cast of Eastenders and, for some strange reason, no bugger seems to take them away again when they leave.

Here's a quick list of some of the Square's famous four-legged friends.

Wellard - one of the soaps longest serving pooches he originally belonged to Robbie Jackson. Then to Gus the road sweeper. Then Gus fucks off giving him to Mickey Miller who flogs him to Bobby Davro or whatever he was called in the program who intends on giving him to Shirley but, in all likeliness, she'd eat him so he ends up with the rest of the Jackson family until he dies.

Willy - the pug owned by Ethel was a source of great amusement for the nation. Is it possible to not find an elderly woman talking about her 'little willy' funny? No, it is not. Willy was, for a short time, renamed Rasputin after being kidnapped. Even the dogs aren't safe from crime on the square.

Roly - A poodle owned by Den and Angie Watts. Eagle-eyed viewers would have noticed striking similarities between Roly's do and that of his owner, Angie.

6. Hard Time.

Going inside seems to be a hobby for the residents of Albert Square. Almost everyone has done time for a whole host of weird and wonderful things including:

Perverting the course of justice - Deano Wicks
Drink driving/hit and run - Pat Evans and Tanya Branning
Murder - Sam Mitchell and 101 other people
Armed Robbery - Phil Mitchell
Cat-Fighting - Ronnie and Roxy Mitchell
Fraud - Mohammed Qadim Shah
Manslaughter - Matthew Rose...

Now, at this point I have undoubtedly lost some of you. Who the fuck was Matthew Rose? When did Pat run someone over? When did Michelle Fowler get shot?

All of these things are true. I looked it up. You can look it up. But try to remember, it's just a fucking soap.

Internet Based Anonymity.

2010-09-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

I've written a lot of blogs about Facebook and Myspace and why they are both shit but tonight I realised something. It's probably something you realised a while ago if you, like me, made the jump from Myspace to FB.

The realisation is a pretty straightforward one - when the Internet became obsessed with everyone being themselves it became shit.

Let me put it this way - Myspace was amazing in that you could call yourself whatever you wanted to. You could make your profile as loud and as decorative as you wanted it to be and you could say anything to countless people who had exactly the same idea. It wasn't a place 'to meet new people' it was a place to meet people the way they wanted to be.

After the rise of Facebook, with it's rules about your name and it's designs on you only ever adding people you already know, all that went to shit.

The problem with networking socially with people you already know is that you already know them and they, in turn, already know you. They know how fucking boring you are 99% of the time and they don't want to be updated about your dinner/night out/bowel movement because they are too busy trying to convince themselves there are people out there interested enough in them as they do the same. Facebook is like a shouting contest between idiots.

'I just did something, look at me!'

'I just had dinner LOL'

'I just took a shit'

There's very little in the way of conversation - just endless streams of thought poured out onto the screen all vying for attention like some kids in a classroom. every now and then you hit gold - the statement that people think is funny amidst the sea of shit and then a short chat ensues whilst people remark upon what's just been said until they get bored and wander off to read something else or post about X-Factor.

I'm not saying your friends don't like you - of course they like you. Some of them may even love you. It's just that they know all about you from your job to your stupid haircut and they aren't interested anymore.

Myspace, on the other hand, was a place you could invent yourself a new life. You could flirt a bit with the sort of girl that wouldn't ordinarily give you a second look. You could create an entire persona made of little more than imagination and an overwhelming desire to wank over messages from people that think you're less dull than you are.

There was no need to 'like' shit either. You sent messages, you received messages and very occasionally when you were feeling lazy you commented. And life was good.

Facebook is useful for staying in touch - this is true. And for being invited to stuff you generally have no intention of attending. It also shows you the things that your friends are attending and yet you never got invited to. It's a cold-handed slap in the face of your ego when you see the photos of the party you didn't know about until afterwards.

Anonymity is an incredible cure for low self-esteem. As are photo's taken at angles that don't show quite how scrawny/fat/prone to getting scurvy you are. You can post these pics on Facebook but it's an empty gesture - your friends know how many chins you have even if you managed to hang the camera from the ceiling whilst posing in order to hide them.

I think about some of the people I used to talk to on Myspace and those that never migrated I can only assume were the ones that were really full of shit. And I don't mind that at all. I actually miss being lied to about stuff on a regular basis.

They say that the truth is stranger than fiction and I disagree. The truth is fucking tedious and you can find that out by simply leaving the house and sitting in the pub with your 'real life' mates talking about 'real life' issues like who's nobbing who and why nobody trusts David Cameron. You can't wander into a pub though and claim to be a millionaire with a 17 inch cock that is allergic to sunlight though because you're none of these things and people can see that... Especially the cock part - where would you even hide that?

That's pretty much my rant for the evening. Now piss off.

Your One Stop Romance Shop.

2010-08-31T14:39:00.000-07:00

Earlier I felt like writing a new blog but couldn't think of a suitable subject. And so, looking for a wholly unsuitable subject I typed into Google 'Things nobody likes talking about' and... Well, I was disappointed.

Disappointed that is, until I found a site called 'Sheila's Kissing Booth'. Apparently, according to the little blurb underneath the badly cut out photo of Sheila, it's 'Your one stop romance shop'.

This site is what I imagine hell to be like. It's chock full of advice from people that on first look all seem like needy virgins anyway. It's a one stop website to hawk pointless self-help books.

Which reminds me of this -

I went to a book shop and asked the woman behind the counter: 'Where's the self-help section?' She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Anyways, I was browsing this site and taking a quick look under each section. I found a section called 'How to kiss'. This made me laugh instantly. But nowhere near as much as this part - it says (and I quote) 'Kissing is the most physically romantic 2 people can get. There really is no wrong way to kiss.'

I dispute that last part. On the grounds that I am about to name at least 3 very wrong ways to kiss another person.

Wrong way 1.

Here we see a misinterpretation of the expression 'pucker up'.

Wrong way 2.

Here is a classic case of one person being upside down. Or they both are. Fuck knows.

Wrong way 3.

This is someone attempting to kiss racing guru and all-round oxygen thieving John McCririck.

These are WRONG.

Anyways, a little bit of digging around on this site and I have found some kissing facts. These are fascinating* little nuggets of information. Ignoring... nearly all of them there's one quite extraordinary one at the end.

'It is a (scientific?) fact that the act of kissing produces the same hormone in your body that firing a gun does.'

That's possibly the least romantic sentiment I have ever heard. Why would anyone think this is a reasonable thing to write on a site professing to be a 'one stop romance shop'? Do you think half way though a massacre a crazed gunman stops and goes 'Wow, that feels just like when I snogged that girl when I was 15'? No. He does not. in fact, there's a fair chance he's too busy counting the number of shots fired to make sure he still has one to pop in his own cranium before he gets caught. And why is he shooting at innocent people? He's probably been reading romance advice from this fucking site and realised that when people take something as deeply beautiful as love is supposed to be and use it to sell shit books then life really is quite pointless after all.

*No they aren't.

CCTV and stuff.

2010-08-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

There's an amazingly made-up fact that gets quoted to me a lot about CCTV cameras. The 'fact' is that we (the people of Great Britain - you Americans can make up your own statistics) are caught on camera, on average, 300 times a day.

300 a day? Really? Didn't that ever seem a little high to anyone? I've only managed to leave the house once today to pop to the shop (regular readers of this blog know the shop in question and yes, I still go there despite the hissy fit I threw a few months ago) so, how the fuck was I caught on camera anywhere near 300 times?

I know, the quote states 'on average' - I read it too. But assuming you're a normal person you'll have something like a job. To get there let us assume you drive a car. Do you have CCTV in your own car? Do you, you neurotic bastards? No of course you don't. Nor do you have one in your house. So, house to car = 0 cameras.

Now, are you famous? Actually famous and not just talked about in the pub for that time you tried to mate with a kebab whilst drunk. The sort of famous where people come up to you and say 'You're that twat off the telly!' that's proper famous. You may well be photographed 300 times on the way to the car but this just means you either killed someone or got caught shagging someone you shouldn't have.

Do not try and get paparazzi outside your house by being nice. It doesn't work. You know Bob Geldof, right? You ever see him in the paper and go 'Fucking hell, I thought he was dead'? That's because he's nice and hardly ever gets coverage.

So, you get to work and you park. It looks like there could be a camera in the car park...

1. Are you parked in an office car park? If the answer is yes then there is a camera. Well done.

2. Are you parked in Lidl car park because you work there or because it's free and everyone there is too depressed to give a shit? If you answered yes to this then I am afraid to tell you that is not a real camera. It's probably a picture of a camera sellotaped to an empty pop-tarts box.

Anyways, enough of that. Look at this. This is good, you'll like this.

The mystery quote came from a book published in 1999 - it was called 'The Maximum Surveillance Society: The Rise of CCTV' and was apparently written by two academics including a C. Norris.

C. Norris...

Chris Norris? Carlos Norris? Colin Norris? Chuck Norris?

CHUCK NORRIS!

The average Briton is caught on CCTV on average 300 times a day by Chuck fucking Norris!

So, anyway, back to the thing. You're sat at work pretending to type up a report on 'core competency' or 'knowledge process outsourcing' when, in reality, you're writing a report on suspected toilet roll theft and how to find a way to sabotage that spotty bastard from the third floor before he's promoted before you. Suddenly you see a little red light flickering above you. Could your boss be spying on you?

1. Is your office an actual proper office with a water cooler and a large pot plant by every door? If the answer to this is yes then he probably is. That light is a camera and your boss is watching you pick your nose.

2. Is your office a glorified shed? Does it have calendars from other small companies on the wall and the occasional person wander through on their way to the toilet? If the answer to this is yes then no, that is not a camera. It's probably a smoke alarm or a careless builder plastered his watch into the ceiling.

The number of cameras so far is surprisingly low.

You go for lunch - popping out to a cafe or restaurant or somewhere will probably cost you 3 or 4 cameras. Wandering over the road to the snack van will result in no extra cameras unless the unpleasant looking chap that's cooking your burger has a crush on you and has been secretly photographing you stuffing your mush for the past few years to masturbate over.

The fact is, there may well be some rare cases where a person is caught on camera 300 times in the space of 24 hours. I highly doubt this. I've never actually found one these cameras to work when I've needed them to anyway. This Orwellian fantasy that people develop through fear of being watched and of advancing technology is just a fantasy - like the one with the Swedish triplets and the never ending supply of Bovril - except less fun.

Big Brother isn't watching you - because behind every camera is a bored camera operator trying to desperately to avoid working as much as you are.

Or Chuck Norris.

Feminism, Porn and a Pretend Lesbian.

2010-08-20T16:15:00.000-07:00

Germain Greer once said of porn that 'The spread of pornography into the mainstream is not, as liberal voices argue, a victory for freedom of expression but a poison in our culture - and we develop a taste for it at our peril.'

I have no doubt that Ms. Greer's views on pornography are a direct result of her being a feminist. Or at least she's been labelled one.

Feminism: Belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.

Germain Greer has spent her entire career basically saying that men are completely devoid of emotion or sensitivity and that she hates them. So she's not really a feminist at all. Much in the same way I'm not really a penguin just because I happened to walk past one day and think they looked cute with all their waddling about.

What Germain Greer really is, is a massive lesbian that's too afraid to actually try sex with a woman just in case she ends up with an awfully butch dyke who cums first and rolls over and goes to sleep thus proving everything she's ever said to be utter bollocks.

And yes, I got a smug grin at the thought of Germain man-hating Greer with bollocks in her mouth.

Believe it or not, this blog is not about Ms. Greer. It is about feminism though. And porn. And how the generally accepted media view of porn is no longer accurate.

You see, if I've read one article about how sexist the entire porn industry is then I've read a hundred of them. They all use words like 'exploited' to describe the women in porn and I feel obliged (as someone that has watched more porn than these people have) to acknowledge that whilst this may be true of some porn, it's certainly not true of ALL porn.

There's a new kind of porn actress now from the days of the pathetic, manipulated and abused starlets of days gone by. And after a while you begin to spot them. There's a look in their eyes as they perform their sexual acts on their male counterparts and the look isn't the glazed over thousand-yard stare that women in pornography have perfected over the years. It's not the look of a woman haunted by the sheer horror of what she is being forced to do for money either.

And don't jump to the assumption that I'm talking about the women that genuinely love what they are doing - for they do exist also. They are usually the ones that aren't biting their bottom lips and groaning obscenities whilst grinding like they're trying to reach an itch in their vagina's.

No, I'm talking about the third look. The look that shows such career driven concentration that you'd be forgiven for thinking there were dollar signs in the young ladies eyes. It's a look of pure, unsettling focus. You can almost hear them working out how many thrusts pay for a new handbag. And the truth is, these women scare me a little.

And that's got to be more empowering than listening to a man-hating faux lesbian bang on about how shit men are, surely?

An Attention Seeking Missile

2010-08-09T18:15:00.001-07:00

Is there anything more satisfying that reading someone completely losing the plot on a public forum? A Facebook meltdown has everything you'd ever need to quell even the sickest urge to revel in another human beings misery and the best part is that EVERYONE has had one.

I know this. I've read them. And had at least one.

They start off with a day gone badly. Perhaps work was shitter than normal. Perhaps you've just been unceremoniously dumped by the 'love of your life' - the same guy/girl you've been gushing about endlessly in the form of updates for weeks is preferable. I like a bit of scene setting wherever possible. Sometimes it's simply because someone made a comment that was taken badly but the result is nothing short of spectacular.

A stream of consciousness - a list of pure, unadulterated hate and all in bite sized chunks. It's perfect to tune in and out at will. Tiny updates on someones emotional state cracking under the pressures of modern life.

And the best part is the chance to interact - especially if you don't actually know the person having an e-breakdown.

How much fun is it to 'like' someones cry for help at their absolute lowest? Or to chime in with a helpful remark about their current partners infidelity or the death of their family pet?

The answer is too much fun.

I too am guilty of this. And more. I have plunged to the depths of posting a sulky status in the hope of a barrage of supportive messages in return (sadly my friends aren't really the pep talk type, more of the 'shut up moaning' type) but then who hasn't? When the people that made Facebook gave us the opportunity to post minute-by-minute updates of our lives they must have expected people to bitch and moan in the little box same as they do in the ears of their uninterested friends and co-workers in 'real-life'.

And I thank them for that.

Now, who's crying about what now?

Oops! (NSFW)

2010-07-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

The Great Myspace Book Readers Hunt

2010-07-25T19:06:00.000-07:00

I must read a story a week about the decline of the printed word. If the press is to be believed then by the year 2025 there will be no books available and life will be a lot like the future in the Time Machine - except I'm assuming people won't all look fantastic as they swan about doing sod all except rutting and getting eaten by Morlocks.

I decided (because deciding is what I do, dammit!) to investigate this as lazily as possible, using Myspace and the section cunningly titled 'Books'.

Prepare yourselves to be amazed.

Now, before we start, I have a confession to make. Myspace default search settings are for the opposite sex and I was too lazy to change them so technically what we have here is the somewhat bizarre reading habits of the female population of Myspace.

Never mind eh? It's not real science. But bear in mind everything you are about to read is genuinely taken from the profiles of completely randomly selected Myspacers.

So let's start with...

BOOKS: are too long, menu's are just right.

Thanks to some young lady calling herself Uppy-Gog for that.

BOOKS: have only started ready books they mostly bore me!!

Meabh from Belfast, we salute you!

BOOKS: The only books I have kept up with are the Harry Potter ones, which I am sad the saga has ended. I read more magazines than books lately.

Well, Connie from Lakenheath, we're sad too. We're sad that you admitted this and we feel you've let the people of Lakenheath down with your only managing to read childrens books despite being in your 30's.

BOOKS: The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy! Life of Pi, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings. I love reading, but the internet doesn't leave me any time for it lol.

LOL indeed miss 'Fruity Loop' of London. LOL indeed. The internet is creeping into your house and stealing time from you like a drunk friend nicks your crisps whilst you pop to the toilet. Demand it back! You were doing so well!

BOOKS: I am quite a book worm and will read anything but I prefere fiction because I really like imagnation.

This was written by someone that a: cannot spell properly and b: likes 'imagnation' so much she calls herself 'Angel of Darkness' - that's 2 times the fail of an ordinary book section post.

BOOKS: I read quite alot so its hard to write down particular ones cuz i pretty much read anything spesh if it has a pretty cover hehe.

Lottie from Blackpool, was recently duped into reading 'The 120 Days of Sodom' by the Marquis De Sade because someone had covered it with flowery wallpaper.

BOOKS: if i do read its magazines...or wen am at skule

Channie, opted not to say where she was from. Probably not too hard to track her down though, she lives in the only town in the UK with a skule in.

BOOKS: Anything by Terry Pratchett. But I also love other books. I read anything really if its got a good story to it.

At last! A half-decent answer. Sadly, Angelito went on to ruin this by listing 'dragons' and 'Lee Evans' in her interests.

BOOKS: mystery

I love this. A young lady calling herself 'Barbie' (presumably in some sort of ironic way proving she does at least understand irony) has decided that the best answer for a section called 'books' is to just write one word. That word was 'mystery' - and the mystery is... Exactly what did she mean? Ooh it's mysterious!

Now, let's take a break for a moment for some quick-fire answers.

Jess say's: 'i dnt read' - a statement so bold she opted to use only a fraction of the letters required to form that sentence.

'What the fcuk are they!!!!' asks xBrokenxFairyx. Well, actually she didn't ask, she exclaimed but I'm guessing she meant to use a question mark somewhere. Note the spelling of the word 'fuck' - she's changed some letters to make it the same as a popular, and yet still shit, high street fashion retailer. Oh how clever she is!

'True Storiies ^_^' writes Jessicahh of the Midlands. She's so wacky she made a small happy face out of symbols! And she spells her own name in a way I can only describe as wrongly! What the hell is wrong with these people?

Kath from London writes: 'ne english crime thriller' - Ah, what a genre that is, the 'ne english crime thriller' and who doesn't like those?

BOOKS: Mixed...favs ever Sophie's World or Good Omens or Master and Magarita (A Russian classic)...huge Neil Gaiman nut though (I love his sense of humour with intelligence to his work). Not romantic fiction...No Mills & Boon here tyvm.

And with that, Fi of Edinburgh single handedly restored my faith in humankind. Let's see if it will remain restored...

BOOKS: BR Signalling, The BR Signalling Handbook, BR Rule book 1950, Know Your EMUs. I'm currently looking for a book something along the lines of "The Romance of the Class 313" or "313's in Hideous Detail". I like 313's.

That's such a bizarre answer from Michelle of London that I had to paste it here just to look at it again and go 'Eh?'. I think it's my new favourite to any question ever.

BOOKS: the book :P

Erica of Guildford liked 'the book' so much she never read another. But what is 'the book'? I've heard the Bible referred to as 'the good book' so it could be that. It could be the phone book, a cookery book or '101 things to do with a dead marmot' I haven't got a clue.

BOOKS: I have my books And my poetry to protect me.

Says Ana from London. And what a beautiful sentiment that is. Unless of course you're being mugged by a particularly violent lover of Iambic pentameter.

BOOKS: JLS Our Story So Far, Together by nicole & natalie appleton, Kenzie My Life Story

Kirsty is 20, from the Midlands and has the reading habits of a 12 year old girl. I literally have nothing further to add to this. The sheer horror of it all has overwhelmed me.

For our final entry in this little exercise I would like you to imagine the angriest face you have ever seen. Are you imagining it? Good. Now imagine the most disappointed look you have ever seen on another human beings face. This will no doubt spring forth an image of a parent or loved one after you accidentally pissed on lightly coloured and strangely expensive seating after promising faithfully you didn't need to go to the toilet.

This mixture of anger and disappointment is the look I had on my face when I read this final example...

BOOKS: dnt realli read if i did it be lukin at pics in a paper or magazine unless it juicy gossip

Words cannot describe how I feel about what Vixstaaa from Basingstoke has written here. I don't know her. I am unlikely to meet her... All I know for sure is that I hate her with a passion that, from this day to the end of time itself, will remain unrivalled in it's sheer intensity.

So, what have we learned? In truth, as always we've very little to take from this experience. Maybe we should all go and read a book.

Ongoing Email Scam Saga.

2010-07-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

For anyone that has been reading this on Facebook, skip the bit you've read. There's new stuff later I promise.

The original message was as follows:

Greetings,

Your name appeared among the list of unpaid (Contractors, Inheritance next of kin and lottery payment/ATM beneficiaries that was originated from American, Europe, Asia plus Middle east and Africans) among the list of individuals and companies that your unpaid Inheritance/Contract sum has been approved and you will receive a part-payment of US$12.5 million, You are requested to get back to me for more direction and instruction on how to receive your Inheritance fund.

However, we received an email from one Dr.Saipul Bahri who told us that he is your next of kin and that you died in a car accident last week

Note that we are bound to recognize Dr. Saipul Bahri claim, if you fail to promptly respond to this email we sent to you following the Deed of Assignment he submitted and his account co-ordinate authorizing him to claim this payment.

He has also submitted his International Passport,Photo Id with his birth certificate with his account details for us to transfer the fund to him.But We want to hear from you before we can make the transfer to confirm if you are dead or not and make sure that you are aware of this developments so reply us with your email contact address and your direct cell phone number for easy communication and more details.

Yours Sincerely,

Mr.Andrew Tweedie
Director Finance Department
On behalf of Mr.Dominique Strauss-Kahn
Managing Director, IMF

My response:

Hello there Mr. Tweedie,

Thank you for your message. I had no idea I was owed any money - particularly money from a country I've never been to for work I have never done. Still, it's nice to be thought of.

I was most surprised to hear of my death. A car accident is a very sudden and tragic way for me to have died and I don't recall this happening either but as Dr.Saipul Bahri, my next of kin (presumably on my mothers side - my fathers side certainly don't come from anywhere exotic enough to be named 'Bahri') has told everyone I have passed on then presumably I must have done.

Incidentally, should the question of life after death ever arise with your friends or co-workers then you can reliably inform them that the broadband speeds in the afterlife are quite acceptable.

Would you mind asking Saipul (I hope he doesn't mind me using his first name, we are related after all) if he videoed my funeral? I should very much like to see who turned up.

Thanks again.

Dan Impossible (deceased)

Second email from them:

Attention Dan,

We are in receipt of your brief EMAIL information and we are very surprise that you are not aware of the change on your payment file , Well we will have to send report to the office of the director of intelligent with your details information you sent for immediate arrest and prosecution of Dr Saipul K. Bahri, and those involve in this act also find attached document which he has submitted for us to proceed with the payment in his favor.

In accordance with the IMF World Bank Group Decree No. 18 Section 5-12 of the Foreign Payment Regulation Acts of 1990, we write to inform you that based on your email you seen that you are not aware of the charge on your payment file, we have forwarded your last email letter to the appropriate office for onward verification/approval of the fund in your name as the true beneficiary of the fund once you re-confirm the following details.

Kindly reconfirm below information's so we can submit it to enable us secure the necessary clearance certificate from our ministry the IMF as the rightful beneficiary of the deposit before providing you the bank details info so you can apply to the paying bank for your fund transfer to any account of your choice.

1. Full Names: __________________________
2. Address: ____________________________
3. Age: _____________________________
4. Sex: ______________________________
5. Marital Status: _____________________
6. Occupation: ________________________
7. Phone numbers: ______________________
8. Fax number: ________________________
9. Country: ___________________________
10.Copy of Identification __________________

Do complete the requested information's to enable me apply for your exchange approval document. call me on my Telephone #:+44- 702-406-2839

Yours Sincerely,

Mr.Andrew Tweedie
Director Finance Department

(This is Saipul)

To which I replied:

Hello again,

Thank you for this new message. It's nice to hear from the 'other side' - albeit electronically. Still, it beats having to go through someone like Derek Acorah or Colin Fry I suppose.

I too am very surprised about my not being aware of the changes made to my payment file. I'll be honest, I had no idea I had a payment file. I'd be very happy if you could send me whatever is in there. If I'm owed some money it would be lovely to see how much. I remember from your first message you said something about a share of 12.5 million dollars but that's not very exciting if it's being shared between 12.5 million people!

I'm not sure I actually asked for Dr. Bahri to be arrested. That seems a little harsh - especially as we're related. Could you not just tell him he's let his Auntie Jean down very much by telling fibs? That works for most of the family.

I'll answer your questions as best I can.

My name is Dan Impossible. This isn't my real name, it's my writing name. Did you know I write a blog? You should check it out. It's HERE if you wish to read it.

My address? I'm afraid I'm not allowed to tell you that. My mum would be ever so cross. Ask Dr. Bahri - he's probably been round for a barbecue at some point.

I'm 28 years old and I'm not married. Funny really, always thought I would be by now but you know how life can turn out eh? I bet you hear all sorts at the Finance Department.

Do you really need me to confirm my sex? That seems unlikely so I'll not bother with that bit. I'll assume it's a typo.

My occupation? I'm actually an investigative journalist. My job is pretty dull, I sit at home and trawl through suspicious emails. Then I spend a few days researching them before selling the information to the News of the World. It's not all glamour though, I once had to go through Boris Johnson's bin - would you believe the Mayor of London eats over 30 Pot Noodles a week? I can't stand them. Except for Bombay Bad Boys - they're actually not bad.

I'm afraid my phone is broken right now. I've got through 4 Sony Ericsons in less than a year. I don't know how I manage it. I read online that keeping a mobile too close to a laptop can damage it. Can you ask someone in your IT department if that's true? I am looking forward to being able to buy a new one with the money I'm owed!

I've never had a fax machine. I didn't realise people still used them. I hate the sound they make when you accidentally phone one - It's like a weasel being strangled.

I'm not sure about the last bit. A copy of my indentification seems a bit vague. To prove it's me I enclose a photograph of myself. I'm not wearing a disguise, the eyebrows and moustache were bought at the pound shop for a laugh. You can still tell it's me though. Ask the Doc (does he mind me calling him Doc?) to verify it.

Oh, I showed my mum the picture of Saipul and she says he's probably my second cousin. She wasn't sure.

Take care.

Dan Impossible (not as deceased as earlier!)

The Versatile Blogger Award.

2010-07-20T17:07:00.000-07:00

It's only taken me bloody years for someone to bother awarding me with something. The closest I've ever got to an award was when I painted an Action Man gold and stood in the street thanking passers by for voting me 'Man of the Year'.

They were not impressed - I was naked at the time and reeking of gin.

Nonetheless, I got me one now and I'm keeping it. It'll look nice next to the numerous injunctions and death threats I have framed in my house.

I was awarded it by a fantastic chap named Joel with whom I've been talking to on this here Interweb for a few years now. He writes a horror review blog which makes me laugh so it'll probably make you laugh too. Go and check it out HERE

Isn't that something? Well, technically it's some writing in a square but it's the thought that counts so cheers Joel!

As if winning the thing wasn't enough apparently I have to now nominate 15 blogs I've discovered recently and like enough to want to pass this on. Well, me being me I reckon I could do 5. If I went around liking everything you wouldn't be here reading it and I'd be like one of those desperate twats on Facebook that hopes by clicking 'like' on everything a woman will eventually think 'Oh wow, this guy likes that I'm having cheese on toast. I think I'll suck his cock.'

Having said that, cheese on toast is probably the single most perfect thing a woman can eat before sucking a cock for numerous reasons. And nutritional value is not one of them.

These are the rules of the Versatile Blogger Award:

(1) Thank the person who gave it to you

I've done that. What's next?

(2) Share 7 things about yourself

Hmm... 7 things eh? Fair enough.

I not only own a copy of, but I have also watched and enjoyed, the Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez train wreck that was Gigli.

I used to be a huge Ben Elton fan and hope that one day I wake up and all this Andrew Lloyd Webber musical fannying about shit was just a horrible dream.

I love hats.

I know more about football than I let on and care less about it than I appear to (which is not much at all).

My zombie survival plan remains unchanged from what it was a decade ago.

My biggest hatred is singing along to something and then someone else singing along to it. It makes me feel physically sick. This is why I can never be in a musical.

I genuinely love pro-wrestling and I don't care that people think it's sad.

That's that bit done...

(3) Pass the award along to 15 who you have recently discovered and who you think fantastic for whatever reason

Fucking hell, hang on.

Right. Here goes.

1. Think Like A Shark - A game review site that actually makes you feel smarter for having played the games being scrutinized. Awesome stuff.

2. More Brains, Vicar? - Stuff that was made by the young lady that does the ICM flyers. And the stuff is good.

3. Grump Bag - If you think I talk weird then you're in for a treat.

4. Vacant Mind - This blog probably already has lots of awards just strewn about the place like former conquests undergarments but I like it.

5. True Till Death - Smashing designs and stuff from a top class bloke who I have a funny feeling I completely blanked the other day due to me not recognising him. Not that this award is to make up for accidentally blanking people or, let's face it, everyone would have one.

There's 5. I'm not doing 15 because I'm spending longer on this than I probably should.

Honourable mentions go to:

Random Ruminations - Another blog by Joel. It's good... Go see.

Let's Kill Journalism - This one is by me. I know I shouldn't honourably mention myself but it might get some of you buggers reading it.

Lastly I need to...

(4) Contact the blogs you picked and let them know about the award.

Fine. I shall do.

So, that's it. Dan Impossible Must Be Destroyed won something. And it was from a fellow blogger too which actually makes it more special than that butterscotch flavoured candy that old man gave me as I sat on his lap last week. It's not a typical way of mugging a pensioner I grant you, but it is very effective. Shame he only had shit sweets on him.

The Real Threat Of Extinction.

2010-06-29T10:20:00.000-07:00

Every day I am invited to read about the plight of an animal, bird or fish that is teetering on the brink of extinction. The list is long and, to those that care, quite frightening as everything from pandas to whales face dying out as a direct result of mankind.

But what about something a little closer to home that risks being killed off in the not too distant future? I mean, let's face it, other than over priced trips to the zoo we're not likely to miss the tigers we don't have roaming the Great British countryside are we? So here's an appeal from me to your good selves about a creature that, if drastic measures are not taken, could well die off thanks to sheer stupidity.

This is an appeal to help save teenagers everywhere.

Teenagers are those vapid things that amble about in herds on busy high streets. The females tend to be in larger groups and prone to bouts of saying 'Is it?' at alarming volume before giggling. The males are often more aggressive choosing to occupy populated areas such as bus stops or benches and glare menacingly at anyone that approaches them.

The trouble these creatures face is extinction through lack of basic understanding of the way the world works. Just a few days ago I witnessed two female teenagers drift into the road, seemingly unaware that the large, noisy metal objects travelling toward them at speed would end their pointless lives in a rather messy fashion. Apparently the strain of making sure their skirts were short enough to see their navels and the heated discussion about who got off with who at some sort of dubious function had occupied more brain space than they had anticipated and good road sense had been sidelined. Luckily the two teenagers in question survived this time - if they had of been smeared into the road I would have been very upset indeed - I was running late as it was.

These vacuous, simple beings wander through life with little concept of the world around them. They are loud, lacking in direction and, thanks to their own bizarre mating habits, are already outnumbered by their own offspring.

A good place to spot these in the wild is in Primark. Evolution has taken teenagers from spending the little money they had in sweet shops to flooding this low end clothing retailer on a daily basis. The females swarm the cheap jumble sale looking store looking for low-cut tops and shoes for a quid whilst the males gather outside waiting for them, speaking loudly of imaginary sexual conquests and fights they never quite had.

What can you do to help these poor beings? After all, teenagers have the same rights to exist as pandas and whales. A recent study has shown that whilst appearing completely brain-dead, teenagers are capable of limited rational thought and are sometimes able to follow basic instructions. Intelligence wise this puts them on the same sort of level as a common pet dog or Big Brother contestant.

Some ideas to improve the life-span of the teenager, and to prevent them from killing themselves by staggering into a busy road, include leashes, stapling them together and simply locking them away until they are old enough to realise the danger they are in.

So, next time you're asking me to hand over some money or sign a petition for the plight of the lesser spotted something or other, spare a thought for the poor teenagers.

Teenagers have feelings too - just no sense.

Actually, after having a look at that I'm inclined to say fuck them and go and rescue a lemur or something.

Frank Sidebottom No More - And... WARNING: FOX!

2010-06-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

Frank Sidebottom died today - this is the worst news I've had for a long time. If you don't know who he is then you're an idiot.

So, foxes eh? In the spirit of the current media frenzy I have a story about these pesky creatures - I warn you though, it's a harrowing tale...

The other evening I walked home from the local shop when suddenly I spied a fox. The fox was sat in a non-terrifying way by the kerb and, as I approached, he wandered off in a non-terrifying way past me.

As we both walked up the road the fox walked past a cat. The cat lazily looked at him, he glanced back and kept walking.

The fox did not stop to eat a baby.

We both continued to amble up the road - the fox a few feet ahead of me. He walked past another 2 cats - not stopping once to maul them. In fact the cats didn't seem to give a shit about him being there. Nor did the dog on a lead being walked on the other side of the road. Or the kid on a scooter that shot past us.

The fox did however cause a car to slow momentarily whilst it crossed the road.

I arrived at my house, unscathed and watched the fox meet up with another fox by the entrance to the garages. They were not covered in blood and bits of toddler. Or bits of cat or chicken or anything really. One did have a few bits of shrub on it though as it had clearly recently wandered under a hedge.

Time taken walking behind fox - 5 minutes.
Total babies slaughtered - 0.
Total cats passed unharmed - at least 3.
Total people bitten or chickens killed or anything remotely terrifying - 0.

For fucks sake - leave them alone. Yes, one may have bitten someone before - but so did my hamster and nobody sparked a huge media witch hunt against those little bastards and when they bite it bloody hurts. This is all about perspective - one bad fox doesn't mean all foxes are bad - because if we applied this law elsewhere then all politicians are thieving cunts and everyone that's ever worked for a newspaper is a fucking liar. See?

That's all I'm going to say.

Fucking Hell... It's the World Cup!

2010-06-12T16:03:00.000-07:00

The highly anticipated World Cup 2010 was off to a ropey start thanks to a concert consisting of more songs about about Africa than anyone knew existed being performed by more African musical acts than anyone cared existed. Oh, and the Black Eyed Peas sang some of their hits so badly I wondered if it was actually a cover band hired in to keep the costs down.

To say the Black Eyed Peas were bad would be unfair - they were shit. Mostly due to Fergie who seemed to have morphed into Cher. The entire band were dressed as extras from Flash Gordon and the whole thing was embarrassing.

In order to embrace the ethnic diversity of South Africa just about everyone that appeared on screen was black. The BBC coverage was hosted by Trevor Nelson - presumably because he too is black. And he likes music. And he needed the work because he's on fuck all else.

Oh, Shakira was there apparently, I'd given up by this point.

So, onto the actual football. The coverage is being split between the big 2 terrestrial channels ITV and BBC 1.

The Beeb have crisp peddling, perma-tanned grinning twat Gary Lineker as their pundit whilst ITV opted for housewives favourite, puffy faced simpleton Adrian Chiles.

So, the games are being held in South Africa - a country of extreme poverty, a rich cultural history and a love of the sound of bees. Yes, every game is accompanied by the sound of droning bees thanks to the invention of some kazoo/trumpet hybrid. This gives the games an odd sense of urgency as only the sound of an impending swarm of bees can. My only hope is that these things get banned or that the fans do the noble thing and simply start hitting each other with them.

An interesting thing I've noticed about the ITV coverage is the excessive usage of slow motion replays and bizarre camera angles. Earlier tonight I watched Steven Gerrard sliding across the pitch for nearly a minute for absolutely no reason at all. It was like watching a football match being directed by the Wachowski brothers. I saw more slow motion shots of sweaty men expressing a pained look on their faces in the 90 minutes of football on ITV than I've seen in a lifetimes worth of porn.

(The only game I'm going to talk about is the England game despite the fact that I've somewhat inexplicably seen nearly all of them so far.)

So, England started the match against America with gusto and scored after just 4 minutes. This was a clear indicator that we were destined to not win. The England side chased after the ball like they'd only learnt to play the game that morning. They had endless enthusiasm and absolutely no cohesion whatsoever. This made it entertaining in the same way that watching amateur break dancing is entertaining.

The team consisted of some odd choices too including Emile Hesky - a striker that's scored no goals for months and Ledley King - the only man in professional football with a note from his mum excusing him from playing for a full 90 minutes.

Missing from the starting 11 was freak of nature Peter Crouch who, at 9 foot tall, is the tallest man in Britain and rumours have been circulating (here) that his mother was in fact a ladder - and yes, I made this same joke during the last important tournament that Crouch took part in. What can I say? I recycle.

The game itself lasted the required amount of time and resulted in a tedious draw after a bungled catch from keeper Rob Green - a man who will be feeling the full wrath of the Sun newspaper in the morning and who is newly elected as hero in Scotland.

The American side played a solid match with few surprises - except for the inclusion of Dempsey in their line-up. Dempsey of course will be remembered mostly for solving crimes in the late eighties with his glamorous partner, Sgt (Lady) Harriet Makepeace. At least I assumed it was the same Dempsey - to be honest I didn't care.

We can expect many more surprises as the contest continues and more fat-faced smugness from Adrian Chiles. One thing we should not expect though is for me to write much more on it unless something really interesting happens like we win the bloody thing.

News - Samurai Porn Killers and a Pillock.

2010-06-09T08:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since posting on this here news blog. Not that there's been a shortage of news, there hasn't. There has been a shortage of news though that I've felt comfortable mocking - true, I had a bit of a chuckle at the terrible story of the Russian cannibals but then they were in Russia and it's the distance that allows me to detach myself.

I'm not going to talk about the events in Cumbria except to say that my heart goes out to those affected.

So, let's talk about some grisly murders that are a damn sight funnier - and for that we'll head to the world famous Porn Valley near Los Angeles.

Item!

Porn Star On The Run After Samurai Killing (source Sky News.com Friday June 4th)

'Detectives in California are hunting a porn movie actor suspected of killing a colleague and injuring two others with a samurai sword used as a film prop.'

This is gold. This should happen twice a month. Basically an adult movie star went nuts on the set of one his skin flicks and stabbed his co-star - to friends and family the victim was known as Herbert Wong... to those avid collectors of grumble vids he was, of course, Tom Dong.

So, Mr. Hill, 34, was living in the movie lot that was doubling up as a set for this film and had been asked to move out. Fair enough - although apparently he took the sword (being used as a prop... the mind boggles) and attacked whoever he could reach, injuring 2 and killing the Dong.

Police are presumably trying to find Hill. I can't wait until the court case.

Item!

England fan turfs lounge of Sutton Coldfield home (source BBC News 9th June)

Dan Taylor, from Sutton Coldfield, has decided that simply hanging a flag up outside his gaff is simply not enough to support his beloved England during the World Cup - and so he's laid turf in his living room.

Complete with a pitch painted on in white the turf apparently cost about 70 quid. This is 69 pounds more than I'd pay some lunatic to grow grass in my house but he seems happy enough. Special but happy.

Sadly there's no address to write to this guy and point out how much easier it would have been to move the TV into the garden whilst the games are on. Still, if England do win the World Cup we'll all know it's because some idiot is mowing his living room carpet twice a week in support.

I hope he doesn't have pets.

(kudos to whoever labelled the photo on the BBC NEWS site as footballnutter)

Something that popped into my head.

2010-06-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

'In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed are kings' - apparently. Although, a bunch of one-eyed kings strolling round being asked endless questions about what shit looks like doesn't sound worth the effort.

'Oh, sorry. I almost walked into you.'

'That's fine.'

'Hang on, 30 years I've been stumbling around here and this is the first time I've ever only almost walked into someone.'

'Really? Oh well I have one eye.'

'One eye? Fancy that! You could be a king round here.'

'I am technically a king.'

'Technically a king you say!'

'Well, yes Only because of the saying. And the fact I can see.'

'Of course. So, what's it like then?'

'What, being king? Well it's alright I suppose. I mean there's the palace and the endless bloody bureaucracy and the ceremonies and the...'

'No, not being king. I mean being able to see things.'

'Oh, I am sorry. Yes, it's very good.'

'Very good? Is that it? I've been without sight for my entire life. So have my family and all of my friends. In fact, everyone I have ever met has lacked the ability to see and here you are telling me it's 'very good'? What sort of king are you exactly because right now I'm thinking you're one of those tyrant kings. You know, the ones who are actually a bit of a bastard.'

'I most certainly am not.'

'Prove it!'

'How?'

'What's that?' (Pointing in a random direction)

'That's a tree.'

'A tree?'

'Yes. That is a tree.'

'What's that then?'

'What's what? A tree?'

'Yes.'

15 hours later.

'What's that then?' (Pointing in another direction)

'Oh for fucks sake.'

Fin.

Three Ideas To Make Your Life Easier.

2010-05-09T16:04:00.000-07:00

Modern life and ways we can better it for little to no cost. Probably.

Enjoy.

1. 'Other' flavoured toothpaste. For too long now the accepted favour of toothpaste (in actual fact all things of a dental nature) has been mint. This is great if you like mint - some people do. Some people do not though and herein lies the problem. If you smell of anything else it's generally considered that you haven't been indulging in the old dental hygiene thing and that's bad form. I reckon it's time for change!

Here are some potential toothpaste flavours: Apple, Lemon, Cheese and Onion and Crab Paste.

Of course these are just suggestions. Anything is possible really. You could have one that smells suspiciously like penis or lady parts if your friends are convinced you're a virgin - one whiff of genitals on your breath and bingo! - You're a stud... just don't mix them up. Last thing you want is to be known as cock breath in your local.

2. Tagging kids - yes, it's kids again. Pesky buggers. I watched a load of nature shows a while ago where some guys would go out to Africa and shoot a rhino with a tranqualizer gun and then tag them so they could head back to a shed and watch a dot that represented the rhino on a tiny monitor - this way they knew it hadn't been poached. Genius. Why aren't kids fitted with these? It would make kidnapping much harder to do. Those explosive dye packs that they stick in money bags in crime capers would also work - you'd be hard pushed to find a kidnapper that wants to wander about with a glowing neon kid. Unless they are one of those people that shop in Cyberdog, have blue plastic hair and dance like a twat at dubious nightclubs... They'd probably love a glow in the dark kid.

3. Teach youngsters the value of life by letting them adopt an old person. Find an unclaimed elderly type in a nursing home somewhere and give it to your kids to look after. If they succeed in dragging the poor old sods life out for a year or two the children would have learnt a valuable lesson. If they die - well, to be honest nobody claimed them so simply bury them in the garden with the family dog. The plus side of this scheme is that it's legal to piss off and leave your kids with an adult (even a dribbling one so close to death they can pat his horse) so it's also free babysitting.

How To Entertain Yourself With An MSN Auto-Response Porn Thing

2010-05-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

Tyesha says:
hi
Dan Impossible! says:
hi
Tyesha says:
hi how are you today?
Dan Impossible! says:
ok
Tyesha says:
my name is kaylee I'm doing great today I'm 21 yrs old how old are you?
Dan Impossible! says:
4
Tyesha says:
listen hun, I am just about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!
Dan Impossible! says:
but I'm 4
Tyesha says:
I can show u how to watch free if u promise not to tell anyone else how to do it???PLEASE
Dan Impossible! says:
Seriously, I'm like 4 years old. Is this even legal? I'm not sure it is and I may have peed myself
Tyesha says:
well since its free the law that u gotta be 18 (nudity involved), u have to sign up with a credit card for age verification! BUT .. Once you are inside, just clikc on "Webcams" let me know what name you use to sign in with so I know it is you babe! http://www.activelocalcams.com/kayleegreene fill out the bottom of the page then fill out the next page as well and u can see me live for free!
Dan Impossible! says:
That's awesome except for the part where I told you I was 4 twice.
Tyesha says:
Please dont mention anything about that in the chatroom once u get in ok?
Dan Impossible! says:
This is now actually creepy
Tyesha says:
OH SHIT.. k I am late to start my show, I gotta get off msn...I will see ya inside my chatroom babe.. remember not to mention that I am upgrading u for free... You can use your msn name to sign in so i know it is you..
Dan Impossible! says:
I think I'm going to eat a crayon and go to sleep but good luck with the boobs

Adverts During Porn And Why They Are Shit.

2010-04-12T18:55:00.001-07:00

It's impossible to watch porn these days without seeing an advert for either special techniques to either improve your physique or make your cock bigger. I see that the people selling these two particular things are targeting their advertising at a very specific market - puny men that are hung like infants. A bit of an assumption but why else would they be looking at porn, right?

I imagine the number of people that have a look at these sites whilst checking out porn is pretty small though, watching a muscular, well-hung chap having his way with a nubile lovely is one thing - being so deluded that you think 'I could be that guy!' is quite another... I think. I hope. I actually don't know.

So, being your on-the-spot reporter of choice I decided to click the links that most men avoid because it puts them off their stroke... And here's what I found.

Well, I pretty much clicked on the first ad I came to and was redirected to a site called 'Male Pornstars Exposed' - not a terribly clever name as they're always bloody exposed but let's see what the owner of this site (Jason) is peddling to some poor misguided souls...

'My name is Jason. I am here to let you in on 2 secrets that grew my penis by 2 inches. Best of all it's free. See the bottom of the page for success stories.'

Well, that all seems lovely. Apparently his old room mate in college was hung like a donkey and kept getting laid and finally revealed the secret to his enormous schlong one night whilst intoxicated.

And what was the secret?

STEP 1:

'The first product is Roaring Tiger, a natural supplement. This big secret the porn industry has been hiding for 10 years, but people don't talk about it because they want to keep it to themselves! This product directly increase the size of your penis by expanding the tissue and blood vessels. It is the quickest and safest way to gain inches of penis length.'

Roaring Tiger? There's actually a product out there called Roaring Tiger? I'm in love with the name already...

So, I popped over to their website.

'If you are interested in the most advanced penis enlargement sex enhancers on the market, then you've found the right product line for you. Our formulations were created by a compound pharmacist and are all backed by the top Urologists and Men's Health doctors in the USA and around the world.'

Top urologists you say? Men's health doctors? The most advanced penis enlargement sex enhancers on the market? It sounds too good to be true.

Probably because it clearly is too good to be true.

I liked the science bit...

'The herbs (ingredients) target the penis area and cause a chemical reaction in the body forcing it to adapt to the change. The supplement forces the body to regenerate tissue and cells in the penis which causes the area to grow both in length and width (girth)'

What's with the brackets? Why is the word ingredients added in a way that suggests people don't know what herbs are? And why in fucks name would I want to swallow anything that is targeting my penis area? And what do they mean by 'area' I don't want it to aim for the general place my penis is usually only to find it's missed by an inch or so and suddenly I have a huge ball bag.

Right, what's step 2... I hope it's not more dubious supplements...

STEP 2:

'The second product is Virility Cock Growth, another natural supplement. This was originally designed as a muscle building product, but porn stars have been using it for years to also increase the blood flow to their penises. The extra blood flow stretches your penis, which makes it wider. The extra blood also improves sexual performance and stamina. And of course, it helps you get in great shape physically too! (just look at the pornstars!)'

Oh, well, I can't say I'm not disappointed.

Let's have a look at their site then... Hang on, it's made by the same people! What are the chances of Jason's secret to giant dickness being made by the same company? I'm not convinced. At the very least I hope they are the highest-quality herbal enhancement ingredients available and not some crap ones they had laying about it. Then it should be OK...

'Virility EX has natural ingredients long used to address problems of enhancement. Our herbalists work diligently to ensure we only use the highest-quality herbal enhancement ingredients available.'

Wow, that was lucky. It's almost exactly what I said. I hope they're not reading this over my shoulder with their huge penises just sort of hanging about the place.

Jason says:

'Just take these supplements as directed on the box. I found it really easy to remember to take them everyday. It's because I was actually EXCITED about taking them. The results came so fast that I just wanted to double up my dose. But I knew that I better stick to the regimen because 4 weeks will fly by really fast (which it did)'

I had a quick look at how much this stuff costs and was alarmed by two things.

Thing 1: It's got a special offer on 6 months worth. Now, correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't that seem like an awfully long time to take something that apparently worked for Jason in just 4 weeks. That's one month - not 6. Are we to assume that this stuff will just keep working if taken for that long? How long can a cock get? 6 months from now after taking that and I'd have to blog from the other room because my huge member has come between me and the desk... I'd have to learn to type with it.

Thing 2: This stuff costs (for 6 months supply) £97.13! What a weird fucking price! Forget that it's extortionate, it's just so random.

The bottom of Jason's site was filled with testimonials (often with photographic evidence) I didn't want to post photographs of cocks on here so I knocked you up an artists rendition.

And that concludes our first case study - next time, 'Miltary Secrets to Getting Ripped'. Probably.

My Favourite Facebook Moment Ever...

2010-04-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not laughing at the fact this gentleman is a transvestite - different strokes for different folks, I'm not judging.

I'm not even laughing at the fact that our cross-dressing friend here wants a SUGA DADDY or only has 6 friends...

But what made me nearly piss my myself was that the only 6 men on the whole of Facebook that felt like befriending our frock wearing pal all had crap moustaches.

As if moustaches didn't have a bad enough reputation already.

Behold! (click and it gets bigger)

It's like a catalogue for facial hair. I love this.

Dead Passengers! Celebrity Annoyances!

2010-04-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

Item!

Yesterday an interesting news item caught my attention but was sadly usurped by the Russian cannibals (as most news items are) however, today is a quieter news day so let's take a look at what almost made it...

Women try to take body on plane at Liverpool airport (Source: BBC News Online)

Two women were arrested yesterday after trying to wheel a dead relative on a flight - disguised as someone... not dead.

91 year old Curt Willi Jarant, was taken by cab to John Lennon airport in Liverpool where he was then moved into his wheelchair and propped up in an attempt to fool the check-in desk as to his lack of being alive anymore. To ensure things went smoothly the women had the amazing idea of putting sunglasses on him and claiming he was sleeping.

The women claim Curt was very much alive when they left the hospital for Germany, the police think they were trying to avoid paying the three grand to have him flown back properly. We'll see what happens later on as the case progresses unless I forget all about it.

Item!

Jolie and Pitt visit displaced families in Bosnia (Source CNN)

So, Ms. Jolie has taken a break from filming her latest blockbuster to hang out with some displaced families in Bosnia. Judging from the pictures she decided to go and visit the oldest women she could find. An odd choice as I'm not entirely sure a 90 year old Bosnian woman would have necessarily heard of Angelina Jolie, much less care that she's visiting them.

Really old people like visits sometimes, this is true. Some really old people absolutely hate them. Here is pictorial evidence of both scenarios.

As you can see, the elderly woman on the left is having the time of her life. However, the woman on the right is thinking 'ispizditi' - which, as you all know, is Bosnian for piss off. I think.

Was my heart warmed by this story or was I worried that Jolie had popped over to top up her international children supply? Either way, she made an old woman very happy indeed. And one very cross.

New Stuff.

2010-04-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

ITEM!

Cannibal trial halted after juror falls ill looking at pictures of girl, 16, who was 'eaten with potatoes' (Source Daily Mail Online)

So, this is the bizarre story of the 2 Russian guys that ate a 16 year old girl and fed bits of her to a lodger.

The two men, Maxim Golovatskikh and his friend florist (The Daily Mail considered the man's job to be of absolute importance here perhaps as a warning - Do you know a florist? Does he like the other, other white meat? Call us with your story.) Yury Mozhnov, both 20, drowned the teenager in the bath before cutting her up, cooking her and eating her 'with potatoes', before dumping the rest in a bin.

Unsurprisingly, one of the jurors in the court room was sick at the sight of the photographic evidence and the case has been postponed until they regain their composure.

My favourite quote of this piece (and I know it's a very serious matter) has to be - 'The deputy head of St Petersburg criminal investigations Sergei Strelin said: 'They confessed their guilt straight away. They explained they were hungry and drunk.''

Ah, hungry and drunk? That's OK then. You crazy Goth kids with your drowning and your make-up and your eating kids! What ever happened to kebabs? Or ordering a pizza?

Apparently one of the killers is in a 'minor pop group' in Russia so expect that album to do well.

The young Russian Cannibals - Not to be confused with the Fine Young Cannibals.

Utter Gash (of the Titans) - And Easter

2010-04-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

Went to see that Clash of the Titans film yesterday... And it was laughable. The 3D gave me motion sickness to start with.

I don't really get this need to make films in 3D. I mean, real life is in 3D and that doesn't haven't giant scorpions in so is already less interesting. Why do I need to see the giant scorpions in 3D? It doesn't make them more realistic because I would have noticed if there really were giant scorpions living under sand. Like those 2 weeks I spent in Tenerife, I never once saw a giant scorpion and that would have greatly improved that holiday. Imagine that, you pop down for a quick swim in the sea and suddenly you're watching an overweight, pasty German man in garishly coloured trunks getting chopped in half by a giant pincer... Amazing.

So, 3D is alright I suppose. It means you have sit and watch the film in glasses. This is handy for anyone that doesn't wear glasses and has often wondered what watching a film in glasses is like. In terms of it's effect on the film itself - well, it made the swirly bits at the beginning a bit more swirly and there was the obligatory 'thing swooping toward you fast' scene. Sadly they repeated this a few times and it didn't really work more than once.

The cast was hilarious as well. For a Greek myth it was very lacking in... well, anything remotely Greek. It was chock-full of accents - American, Australian, British... some dubious Eastern European ones that I couldn't quite narrow down more than that.

I loved the original of this flick, the one with the Ray Harryhausen effects. It was usually on at Easter. Or there would be an Indiana Jones flick... Or Star Wars would be on. Well, actually, Return of the Jedi would be on, Star Wars was always on at Christmas. This year it was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - another remake.

Easter is a funny sort of holiday though. I don't really get it. I sort of understand the whole 'Did you have a good Christmas?' thing. But I have no idea why people say 'Did you have a good Easter?'

What's a good Easter? If you're a Christian then it's the day that Jesus rose from the dead and ascended to Heaven - so it's already a good day for you. And if you're not a Christian then it's just a day where you may, or may not, be bought some chocolate by people. Now, I don't much about your lives but I've been buying my own chocolate since I was a kid - I don't need a holiday to justify it. It's not like I buy a Double Decker and someone say's to me 'Oh yeah, what's the occasion? It's ages 'til Easter.'

Anyway, Clash of the Titans, it was all a bit... camp. The Gods were exceptionally shiny. This seemed to be the only real requirements for achieving God-like status. I imagine the interview was pretty quick.

'So, I see you have a beard.'

'Yes, yes I do.'

'And are your robes shiny?'

'Yes they are, check this out.'

(Some excessive robe shining later)

'Congratulations, you are a God!'

The Gods were actually laughable. The scenes where they were stood around talking about what to do about the humans looked like a Yes band meeting. I kept expecting Rick Wakeman to turn up in one of his trademark capes. There was Liam Neeson as an unconvincing Zeus and Ralph Fiennes as panto-villain Hades. The lack of any real menace ruined the film for me on it's own. And his floaty head made me think of Rent-a-ghost.

The main actor (Sam Worthington as Perseus) was oddly untroubled by anything that was going on around him and barely broke a sweat. Even when he was getting his arse kicked by Calibos or Acrisius or whatever Jason 'the budget couldn't stretch to Statham' Flemyngs character was called he looked oddly cold about the whole thing. I guess that's just the way that Australian chaps deal with being stuck awkwardly in a Greek myth.

The one scene that should have been amazing was the Medusa scene. You remember the story of Medusa? Lovely girl, got cursed and ended up with snakes for hair and a tendency to turn chaps to stone? Anyways, the director seemed to look at this scene as a good reason to off the less important characters in one fell swoop. Not that I cared by this point. I was glad of the fewer accents to pretend to concentrate on.

Did the film have any redeeming features?

Not especially. I wouldn't bother if I was you. Oh, before I go... Did you have a good Easter?

Other People Confuse The Shit Out Of Me

2010-04-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

Good morning campers, let's talk about people and why they make no sense. At all. Whatsoever.

Just flicking the through the other blogs here on Blogger and I found one called 'Crutch'. I initially thought (hoped) it was a typo and expected to see a plethora of lady-parts but, alas and alack, I was to be disappointed. It was, in actual fact, a chap from the good ol' US of A that... Actually, let's just nick his blurb shall we?

'I currently work at LifePoint Church as Production Specialist. I love God & I strive to be more like him everyday. I hope to work full time at the church one day, but I am willing to go wherever God calls me. This blog contains my thoughts on software, opinions, electronics, music, personal, and whatever else my crazy mind can think of.'

Well, he got the last bit right. His blog header is a big picture of one of those guys from Halo. What in fucks name has Halo got to do with God? Is he allowed to play Halo? The people over at the Christian Forum would say not... Does God play Halo? Is he an Xbox owner? Would he prefer a PS3? We'll have to assume that our friend here made that very difficult decision already when he chose his console as he is striving to be more like God everyday.

What does that even mean? Does it mean he's growing a beard, sitting in the clouds and smiting folk for purchasing a Wii? Does it mean he's sending his only son to get offed by a mob for our sins? Or is he sat at home, listening to terrible Christian rock and uploading it for people to 'enjoy' on his blog site alongside his shameless appreciation for the Halo games and a post about flogging his Wii on eBay?

Next is a woman who also likes a bit of the old God stuff...

Liz's Letters is... we'll nick the blurb again I think...

'I live my life as a child of God, wife to a wonderful man, mom to three great kids, daughter, friend, and employee. This is my public journal, ramblings on the journey that I am walking with God, the journey of my heart. Sometimes what I write is thoughtful, sometimes it is random, sometimes it is funky, and sometimes I fall on my face. No matter, I am walking with a God who is with me every step.'

The part I liked most was 'sometimes it is funky'... Funky? She does a funky walk with God? Who is this God, George Clinton?

I'd also like to point out the irony of the last bit. Following on from 'sometimes I fall on my face' is 'I am walking with a God who is with me every step'. Presumably not the steps she falls over or that's a mean God.

Wading though the sea of shite that is Blogger you are guaranteed to find countless blogs dedicated to smiling families who post their every move for posterity. Or to annoy me. They have awful pictures of them together looking happy everywhere. Here they are at the beach, here they are casually strolling through some woodland... Oh, look, here they are sat together by a roaring fire wearing ghastly knitwear and grinning like lunatics, lost in a sea of bliss... Happy just to be with each other and posing for yet another tedious blog entry.

I found one that was a bit sad though. An elderly Aunt of one of the bloggers died. She was struggling with MS. This didn't kill her though, she choked on 'some food' but that didn't kill her either apparently. She was on a ventilator that got switched off and that's what finally finished her off. Probably for the best considering her last few days, she seemed impervious to most causes of death.

Here's a description of Spring on a blog I just came across called 'GransGraceNotes'... 'Ah, I know spring is just around the corner. The wind is blowing and the sun is shining and the rain is raining and the daffodils are blooming.' The rain is raining? Is that honestly the best she could do. I don't care if she is old, that's just bad writing.

'Oinkypig' a blog about a guy that wrote this gem: 'I got so excited while grocery shopping just now that I decided to blog it.' Really? That's fascinating... please tell us more. Oh, wait a second whilst I...

I clicked 'Next Blog' I couldn't take the excitement.

If I read the expression 'Forever Family' once more I'm going to kill somebody. And why are they all happily married? Where's the blogs written by unhappy housewives that long to poison their spouses and piss off with the lad that delivers the groceries?

Here's a blog that made me laugh. For the wrong reasons. I'll just nick a bit and play a little game of 'see if you can see the bit that looks wrong' OK?

'So, I was really, really trying to think up a good April Fool's joke to post about here on the blog, but alas, my brain couldn't compute anything worth mentioning. I don't feel like I can really top last year's joke. Last year on this day I found out I was pregnant, one week after that Tom got accepted to grad school and then a couple weeks after that Tom got laid off from work. Wow, that was a crazy time.'

Erm, you found out you were pregnant? That's some April Fool's joke. Except, you know, it's not. Idiot.

And they all have their own companies? How the fuck do they all survive by selling twee little handmade craft items? It all looks the same anyway. And what's 'scrap-booking'? It sounds horrible. If it's a scrap, throw it away. Stop sticking shit you found in a book to look at later.

I'm going to stop reading them now. It's 25 past 6 and I should be asleep.

Less Talk... More, erm... News?

2010-04-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

Item!

Easter eggs and other chocolate can be good for you, as long as you eat only small amounts, latest research suggests. (Source: BBC News website)

What a fucking shocker. Another foodstuff that is apparently good for you this week. Never fear, I'm sure it'll be bad for you again soon. The list of things that chop and change between healthy and certain death is never ending - alcohol, meat, dairy... You know what never gets labelled as 'unhealthy' though? Fucking salad.

The headline was actually - Chocolate 'can cut blood pressure and help heart' for those of you that like some consistency in blog posts.

Item!

Kent man told to remove makeshift pothole warning sign (Source BBC News Website)

A plumber from Kent made himself a sign warning motorists of potholes down his road and earned himself nothing more than a slap on the wrists for his efforts.

The police say the sign is a hazard. The plumber say's the potholes are worse. My verdict? Well, the sign is shit and the plumber should be ashamed of himself. Look at it... I mean, why did he feel the need for an artistic rendition of potholes if he's written in big, unintentionally humorous writing 'POT HOLES'?

Item!

Gorillas in the midst of grieving: London Zoo's three lonely 'wives' mourn the loss of their mate (Source: Daily Mail Online)

Not usually a paper to stoop to a headline pun - the Daily Mail have surpassed themselves with this cheeky little nod to the 1989 weepy flick starring Sigourney Weaver as Dian Fossey.

So, the story is about a Gorilla from London Zoo suddenly dying, leaving behind him 3 forlorn wives (also Gorillas before you get any funny ideas)

'Yeboah, who weighed 20 stone, had been brought over from France in November to breed with the zoo's three females.' says the Dail Mail online.

'After months of gradual introductions, from the start of March he was allowed to live full-time with his new mates - Effie, 16, Zaire, 35, and 11-year-old Mjukuu - in the £5.3million Gorilla Kingdom enclosure.' It continues.

Now, here's the bit that made me laugh. Call me a cold-hearted bastard if you like but here's the photos of the 3 mourning lady Gorillas.

Photo one, and this one could melt the coldest of hearts.

The Gorilla is sad. See?

The second picture, and this one looks tragic. Utterly devastated at the loss of her mate.

That's incredibly moving isn't it? Looks like a little Russian lady for some reason.

Anyway. here's the third picture the Daily Mail online chose to represent a sad Gorilla... Prepare yourself.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but does that not look like a cheeky smile? This Gorilla is so upset it got pissed apparently. That is not the face of grieving! I'll bet the photographer waited for ages until this last one put a sad face on but got bored and just thought 'Sod it, I'll go with the shot I've got.'

With thanks to Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip

2010-03-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

Listening to Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip (who's newest single is nowhere near as good as 'Thou Shalt Always Kill') I had a bit of a think about commandments.

Life is full of rules but, let's be fair, how many of them are useful? How many of the original commandments are valid?

Here's a little look at the 10 laws that 'God' gave us.

1. You shall have no other gods before me.

This is pretty self-explanatory. God likes to be the only God. We all like to be the only one of something. Including Chesney Hawkes. He was of course responsible for the song 'The One and Only' and is completely appropriate to mention here and is, in no way, me taking the piss.

2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.

This one's a bit wordy isn't it? This is the false idols one. And this is probably the easiest to break. If we were back in the days of smiting then everyone on Facebook that insists on putting countless status updates about just how fucking marvellous Lady Gaga is would be dead by now. Oh, how I miss smiting...

3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.

Taking God's name in vain is a weird concept. 'God! Did you see the size of her backside?' This is not good. 'Oh God, we pray to you for the safe return of our kitten, Mindy.' is acceptable. Although, when you consider God likes people more than kittens (fact - we have money and houses and TV and they have food that smells like a public toilet and a preoccupation with wool) so he'd probably be much more interested in an arse of unusual proportions than a kitten getting home in one piece.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your manservant, nor your maidservant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.

The Sabbath day is Sunday. You know Sundays, right? The day when the shops close up to an hour earlier than they do any other day of the week? That's holy for you - Tesco's shuts at 4. On the plus side, over the years mums have decided that Sunday is a good day to cook a roast something or other.

5. Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.

Honouring someone is pretty difficult when they've pissed off and you haven't seen them for a long time. I suppose nowadays there's considerably less avenging murdered parents and stuff... Unless your name is Inigo Montoya.

6. You shall not murder.

This one is a keeper. Don't kill people - it's not friendly.

7. You shall not commit adultery.

This one is harder. Some people need to shag about. There's a million reasons to cheat on someone and only one not to. This one.

8. You shall not steal.

Another morally ambiguous commandment. Is it better to watch a loved one starve to death than it is to pop out and steal them a Pot Noodle? What about less obvious kinds of stealing? Like oxygen theft - those people that barely pass as human are breathing and contributing nothing to society. This is theft. Or theft of time - I'm in a hurry but you insist on telling me about some bloke that fell over whilst he was pretending to not be staring at your tits. I don't care and I need my time back - this is stealing.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

'Your husband had a piss in my azaleas.'
'He can't of done, he's been dead for thirty years.'
'Well, I saw him.'

Stupid commandment.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.

Everyone likes a good covet. Coveting is healthy, it makes us strive for more. If you're a good sort you'll see your mates new car, go and work hard and buy a better car. This is a good scenario. If you're a shit, you'll wait until he's asleep, steal it and drive it into a lake.

And coveting a donkey is always frowned on. If you've ever thought to yourself 'Wow, I really like his donkey and I wish I had a donkey just like that.' Then you're insane. Or from Devon.

So, here are some updated commandments from me - to you, the readers of this blog. Some of them will mean more than others. Some of them are stupid because it's 5am and it's my blog and I want to write stupid commandments so there.

1. Thou shalt enjoy life. It's really fucking short.

2. Thou shalt not leave the house with the sole intention of getting shit-faced and making an idiot of yourself. Life is not a drinking contest and I promise you, you're a twat when you're drunk.

3. Thou shalt treat people nicely. It doesn't matter what they are wearing or how much weight they've put on. Maybe if you stopped reading Heat magazine you'd remember that before looks comes personality - try and develop one.

4. Thou shalt be tolerant. And by tolerant I mean not a racist, homophobic, sexist, ageist, xenophobic, narrow-minded cock.

5. Thou shalt make friends based on mutual understanding, interests and a genuine like for each other. Not because he/she has more money, a car, their own place or a never ending cocaine supply.

6. Thou shalt not constantly hark back to days gone by and consider everything modern to be shit. Yes, some of it is shit. But some of everything is shit... Even the past.

7. Thou shalt remember that Hunter S. Thompson was a writer first and foremost and that his lifestyle wasn't what you should be remembering him for.

8. Thou shalt not ask a question and get all uppity because you don't like the answer.

9. Thou shalt read books, blogs and watch the news. Become well-informed and then, and only then, shall you begin to express an opinion on the world around you.

10. Thou shalt try to remember that a pop-star is just a person that can sing, a film-star is just a person that can act. They are just people like you are. Their lives are only as interesting as yours to more people because the media makes it so and you allow this to happen only if you want it to.

So, there's my 10. I might even add more later. And for those of you thinking 'That's nice... but what the fuck is a 'Scroobius Pip'?' here's the song that inspired this blog. Enjoy!

Why anyone that rattles on about the past wants shooting.

2010-03-17T17:35:00.001-07:00

Fed up with long, wordy blogs? Want something easier to swallow? Try this: Reasons why people that rattle on about the past want shooting.

The past was shit. And before anyone say's 'Oh but Dan, what about the Beatles?' just remember that there was more stuff in the past than just the fucking mop-haired popsters. There were wars! Oh yes... And social injustice. And disease. And a lot of shit light-entertainers on the telly.

You might have forgotten (or at the very least pretended to have forgotten) but I'm here to remind you - about the terrors of the past!

DISCLAIMER: This blog is for entertainment purposes only. It's not a factual guide and if you quote me, you will end up looking like a pillock. Occasionally the information is true but I'm not telling you when because I can't be bothered. Enjoy.

1. The sad tale of Little and Large goes thus: Once upon a time there were two 'comedians' called Little and Large. They weren't funny which is why they were on telly at tea-time. Career now over - presumed dead.

2. Cannon and Ball, I have no idea how this pair managed to co-exist with the above chucklesome duo but apparently the UK needed both lots of tea-time rib-ticklers. Where are they now? No idea actually, I forgot to Google it. We'll say... presumed dead.

3. Jimmy Saville - is there anything more dubious than the sight of this bleached blonde, cigar chomping Northerner telling kids he'll do stuff for them if they sit on his lap? Like a shell-suit clad Santa he would arrange things for snotty little oiks on the telly and billions of people would watch him. Sad, isn't it?

4. Rod Hull made a career out of sticking his hand up a birds arse. Strangely though - he wasn't in porn. He was, in actual fact, a children's TV star. He fell off his roof whilst adjusting his television aerial and died. His co-star, the Emu, tried to carry on without him but, without Rod's firm hand, he flopped.

5. This guy is Jimmy Cricket. He was on TV. Back in those days it was acceptable to be called Jimmy Cricket and wear a silly hat. He made a fortune but blew it all on hookers, crack and more hats than he could ever wear.

6. Do you remember 'Challenge Anneka'? Basically, this blonde bint would turn up in a helicopter and tell some poor sods she was going to build an orphanage in 24 hours. Then she'd spend the next few hours calling local tradesmen to do it for her and local businesses to supply all the stuff - for free - before crying, failing and pissing off again. It was fantastic.

7. Bobby Davro - What can I say about Bobby Davro that doesn't end with the word 'twat'? Nothing.

Finally, number 8. To sum up the state of TV in the past, here's a man that was friends with a pretend bin. They say a picture says a thousand words but this one literally just say's - 'Here is a man who was friends with a pretend bin.'

Tune in next week to find out why the present is shit and the future is going to be shitter. Features will include the 24 hour Ant and Dec channel and EastHollyoaksCoronationEmmerdaleHolbyStreetEnders - the soap of the future.

News! Genitals! And More*!

2010-03-16T18:02:00.000-07:00

Item!

Man sues airline for not looking at his scrotum (Source: Toronto Sun)

A passenger flying with Air Transat recently had his lawsuit against the airline thrown out of court - the claim, that the airline refused to check out his bleeding scrotum.

The man was sat, happily enjoying the journey from Montreal to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, when suddenly he experienced some discomfort in the nether-regions. After a quick examination he found he was bleeding and asked for some assistance.

In somewhat typical fashion a young lady arrived and was asked to sod off so a man could have a gander at the offending ball bag. The man arrived, refused to feast his eyes on the man's hemorrhaging nut sack and so the passenger demanded to see a doctor. Again, rather typically, there wasn't one available at that altitude.

The passenger has since developed a nervousness about flying in an aeroplane and, presumably, has since had his bollocks sewn in. However, despite this, the judge ruled in favour of the airline saying 'nothing in the facts (put before us) proves that that the situation was dangerous or worrisome to the point of requiring the immediate attention of a doctor' - but it's interesting to note that the judge was a woman and has obviously never experienced random testicular bleeding. I'd have demanded justice, too.

Item!

Man used penis to assault female police officer

(Source: BBC News)
A Lithuanian man was found guilty of swinging his member in a menacing fashion at a female police officer. Marium Varinauskas, 28, was sat at home in his pants, pissed, when his missus rang the police. Apparently she just called the police because he was drunk so that say's a lot more about his missus so far than it does about him but I shall continue...

The coppers arrived and then Maruim... wait, there's a fantastic quote here from someone called Elaine Lynch but I'm not sure what she does. Anyway, she said 'The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer exposing his penis and thrusting it in her face, forcing her to take evasive action to avoid getting struck.'

I'll bet they never covered that in basic training.

*And More! was, in actual fact, a lie. It's just News and Genitals tonight.

Fighting Fair.

2010-03-15T19:11:00.001-07:00

I'm so tired of unfair, media-biased arguments. I'm sick of hearing the voice of those people that believe one thing and having to search out the voice of the opposition.

Here are my favourite 2 examples of this.

1. Climate change. Every day I see hundreds of adverts on TV about climate change. About how we're destined to live underwater (in the year 3000 according to pop-prophets Busted) or how we're all killing polar bears every time we turn a light on. I've heard more people rattle on about ice-caps melting and CO2 emissions in the last 6 months than I have heard people talking about films or music or even Eastenders.

A little while ago there was a thing in the papers about fraudulent claims made about the severity of the melting ice caps. Apparently a scientist or 2 took some Ice Core measurements and then simply made some stuff up to show how serious the problem is. The papers went mental... for about 30 seconds. And then they remembered the all important factor in the Global Warming issue - panic sells papers.

Nobody wants to buy a newspaper that says 'everything's fine' - despite our claims to the contrary. We like drama, tragedy and fear. We all secretly like the idea that we're saving the planet and so the planet is fucked in the eyes of the media. We're always one carrier bag away from Armageddon.

Or are we? How the fuck should we know? The truth is, we haven't got a clue. We know what we're told for the most part and we're told one side of a very big argument indeed.

2. Downloading is killing the music industry.

The Government are introducing frightening new laws to prevent digital piracy. These laws include slowing down your broadband to prevent you downloading and disconnecting you entirely. They claim the reason for this is simple - illegal downloads are killing the entertainment industry... But, are they?

The music and film industry would have us believe that every time we download a film or an album, we're taking money from the artists and preventing them from making more films or albums. That's not entirely true though, is it? Every time someone downloads illegally they are, in actual fact, stealing from the companies that represent the artist. The companies that determine exactly how much an album should be sold for, when it should be sold and where from. They're happy for us to hear the song on the bands myspace or on the radio - but not to keep and play whenever we choose. That's stealing. And films stick around in the cinema for months before disappearing entirely and anyone that missed it has to wait for an indefinite amount of time before it's available to rent or buy. And look what happens when someone defies the status quo - you get Tim Burton versus every cinema in the world.

And, as with the Global Warming, the figures are glossed over too. The number of downloaders spending their sheckles on music far exceeds those that don't download. Why? Because the downloaders have heard of more bands. They aren't subjected to the limited choice of the record companies flavours of the month. This part of the argument is kept very quiet though - the public don't need to hear the positives surrounding downloading, they just need to hear 'Do it and we'll cut you off'.

The media follows the money like a piss head follows the smell of the kebab shop on a Friday night. The independents don't get the exposure to advertise and the Internet has allowed more people to share creativity than at other point in history. Look at Myspace for example - Ever heard of Lilly Allen? Kate Nash? How about the Artic Monkeys? You probably wouldn't have done if it wasn't for them putting their songs up on Myspace for people to hear.

You never hear the side of the argument for the way that record companies ditch bands that don't sell as well as expected. Or the argument that CD's are still way overpriced - we've all made them at home now, we know how much it costs. All we hear is the nightmare scenario whereupon there ARE NO MORE FILMS! THERE CAN BE NO MORE MUSIC! What utter horseshit. There are millions of unsigned bands that continue to release stuff and millions of independent film companies that continue to make films.

The truth of the matter seems to be that there's still an incredible amount of money in the entertainment industry - just not as much. Is that a bad thing? Do we need every film to be made with the budget that Avatar had? Are there no good cheaper films being made?

I'm not saying in either of these cases that they are wrong to make the claims that are being made. All I'm saying is we need access to both sides of the story so we can make our own minds up. That's all.

More Shit From The News

2010-03-12T18:10:00.000-08:00

Item!

Zebra snapped putting head in hippopotamus's mouth (Source BBC News)
A zebra was spotted sticking it's head into a hippo's mouth in Zurich Zoo. Apparently the zebra was 'cleaning the hippos teeth' although that would suggest an innate understanding of dental hygiene on both animals part and, as such, seems highly unlikely. But that's what BBC News are saying so I'll agree.

Item!

BNP membership rules still discriminatory, court rules (Source BBC News)
The BNP have laughably been taken to court for breaching section 1b of the Race Relations Act of 1976 which pretty much states that people of all races be allowed to join a political party. The BNP are now allowing all ethnicities to join in their racially intolerant political party. Isn't that reassuring?

Item!

'Cider' teen inquiry by police watchdog is widened (Source BBC News)
Police in Wales have been accused of taking a young lad awaiting trial out on jaunts and giving him ciggies and booze whilst gently coaxing confessions for other crimes out of him. This is a genuine news story. It's a far cry from the days where a suspect is beaten to a pulp in the back of a van... When were those days again? Oh, that's right, every day since the police force were invented. If they want to change tactics now to include getting tipsy and smoking then I'm all for it.

Item!

The front page of Yahoo has an article written by Moneywise about the 10 worst passwords to use for your email account. Well, at least that's what they say it is.

The passwords are as follows:

123456
12345
123456789
Password
iloveyou
princess
rockyou
1234567
12345678
abc123

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but aren't 5 of those pretty much the same thing? Some have more numbers, some have fewer but ultimately, counting from 1 to 9 is the same password. Someone decided to write this report and actually suggest these 5 passwords as being different enough to warrant writing them all down. You'd have thought someone reading wouldn't go 'I saw 123456 on the list and i saw 1234 on the list but 12345 wasn't so that must be safe.' And if someone does think like that then they deserve to have all of their money taken and their house repossessed and their pet chinchilla stabbed repeatedly. Idiots.

So, Corey... What's the story?

2010-03-10T07:50:00.001-08:00

I am not happy today. I have just learned that Corey Haim, of the Lost Boys, has died aged 38.

He was responsible for the single greatest line ever uttered on the big screen. After firing an arrow through a vampire into a Hi-Fi comes the immortal line: 'Death by stereo!'

But Corey's career pretty much peaked there. A quick look on his IMDB page and you'll see a long list of films you've never seen, never wanted to see and, in most cases, never ever heard of.

One that stood out for me was the 1990 classic* 'Prayer of the Rollerboys' - This is the tagline, I kid you not:

In the 21st Century, it's gonna take one man and his blades to save the world from another man...and HIS blades.

Sounds awesome, right?

So, why did Corey never reach the dizzying heights of his co-star, Corey Feldman? Perhaps it was because of this man:

Yes, possibly** the most evil man in Hollywood - Tom Hanks.

Corey Feldman starred alongside Hanks in a number of flicks and this, strangely, made him more loved than Haim. Tom has this strange soothing effect that makes people seem nicer and things seem less crap. This phenomenon is known throughout Hollywood as the 'Hanks Factor'.

Other examples of the 'Hanks Factor' include War (Saving Private Ryan), Aids (Philadelphia) and giant floor pianos (Big).

Perhaps it was the lack of the 'Hanks Factor' that led Corey Haim to such a dubious career and premature death. We'll never know for sure so I'm going to speculate and say yes... Yes it was.

Haim had a number of issues with drugs and booze, the main one being that he took too much of both. He often blamed being in Hollywood in the 1980's. Although, someone else that was present in Hollywood in the 1980's that never seemed to succumb to the lure of the dreaded drugs and booze was this man:

Yes, it's Tom Hanks. Again. And did he die young in a dirty apartment in a haze of crack smoke? No, he didn't. And then he made 'Castaway' - the longest film ever made at a whopping 73 hours and 12 minutes. This documentary about what would happen if you dumped Tom Hanks on a desert island grossed far too much considering the answer to the quandary posed was 'Not much. He'll probably make friends with a volleyball and run about a bit shouting before being rescued.'

Corey Haim would have been much better in Castaway - he would have killed some vampires whilst on roller blades all the while probably saving the world from a man and his blades... Or something. And Feldman would be there too. If only he hadn't of died. I'd have written that film for him.

So, this was supposed to be a little tribute to Mr. Haim but, in typical fashion, it went elsewhere. So I'll sum up - Corey Haim, you were great in the Lost Boys and I liked you. Sorry you're dead.

*This is the word classic used wrongly.
**I don't have anything to back this statement up but it's my blog so we'll assume I'm correct.

Links - 'A' Week On Facebook

2010-03-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

Links - 'A' Week On Facebook

More from the Christian Forum - Warning: This is offensive.

2010-03-06T19:54:00.000-08:00

I can't let this go.

On the Christian Forum there's a post about the plight of children in Africa being accused of witchcraft and beaten. In some extreme cases, killed.

And this is a genuine response on the Christian Forum site:

'It's because they're African. This is how black people treat their children. Leave it to stupid, superstitious uneducated black skinned African fools who corrupt modern day Christianity and mix it with their own superstitious native beliefs, crazy pentecostal stuff holy roller stuff. It is ridiculous to think little children could be witches. Children are innocent, Jesus said the kingdom of heaven belongs to children. Only an evil beast would try to blame problems like pollution, disease and storms on a small child and torture that child nearly to death to solve the problem. They're sick sadistic child abusers. They are not Christians. They need to get some decent white people in there with some brains to take over or else things will really get disastrous. It's like Haiti, black people cannot govern themselves.'

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a site for Christians. And this is some venomous racist bile. And I apologise for posting it but I couldn't ignore it.

Undercover on the Christian Forum - A question of Lust

2010-03-06T18:24:00.000-08:00

I have found the most frightening place on Earth... It wasn't, as I had previously imagined it to be, Slough. It is, in actual fact, on the Internet. On a little site called Christian Forums.

Yes, I have sinned by pretending to be a Christian in order to infiltrate their hallowed website, and no, I do not repent! It is my duty as your on the spot reporter of choice to bring you some tiny idea of the absolutely terrifying advice being doled out to people on this forum.

Behold!

So, a 15 year old lad has written a post asking for advice on how to deal with 'lust'. Apparently he can't keep his eyes off the girls at his school and, despite reading Matthew 5:28 'But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart' over and over again, he needs the help of some overbearing strangers to aid him in his 'sinful' ways.

The poor sod. He's 15! Of course he's going to look at girls. Or boys, whatever floats his boat. And why shouldn't he? And who wrote Matthew 5:28 anyway? Well, Matthew did but let's be fair, it's a little harsh isn't it?

One answer to this lads perfectly natural state of mind was to imagine the girls as married and therefore make them belonging to someone else. 'Well all of these girls, they are not your wife. So anytime you look at them that way, you are disrespecting them and their future husbands...' That's pretty clever. Except, you know, how is this kid going to get his own wife one day if spends all his time marrying the girls he meets off to imaginary men-folk?

One terrifying post using letters 3 times the size of everyone else's said this (which I secretly love) 'GOD gave both men and women a way to relieve this pressure. GOD told us what we need to do and what not to do. HE did not cover masturbation. You don't really think GOD didn't know about this do you? So don't let anyone make you feel shame in this act and you might ask them if they ever did it.'

God didn't cover masturbation? I knew that book was lacking in something.

So, the scary big writing guy decided it was OK by God to rub one out. He sounds great, right?

WRONG!

Look what he added a little later in his post: 'When you sin take it and lay it at the feet of JESUS and ask for forgiveness. Also use this to remind yourself you are no better than the scum of this world, so keep your nose to the ground in humility.'

No better than the scum? He's a kid going through puberty, probably got a hard-on that scared the shit out of him, he's come to a forum to ask for help on what is a really sensitive (if not blown out of all proportion matter) and then this joker calls him scum. Wow, mister, you're all heart.

'I'm 16 and I struggle with this too, my advice to you is to keep praying and reading God's word. And pratice, try to improve yourself daily, remember when paul said to workout your own salvation?'

Is it wrong that I assumed both 'practice' and 'workout' your salvation meant rub one out?

One guy started his response with: 'Dude just don't give to porn.' I hope he meant 'give IN to porn' because 'giving TO porn' is something very very different - It means rubbing one out. Probably.

One guy (I'm assuming they are guys here, they could be lady-folk but it doesn't seem likely) says: 'Perhaps the best way to fight lust is to immerse yourself in the Word of God and in prayer ask the Lord to capture your thoughts. Notice in what kind of purity Jesus Christ honors women. I mean, in one occasion (Luke 7:35-50) a former prostitute comes to his feet, and yet he graciously forgives this woman her past sins and gives back her purity. He doesn't use her but sanctifies her.'

That's nice, a former prostitute comes over and instead of having sex with her, the main man J.C washes her feet. That's what he says right? But hang on, let's be realistic about this... NOBODY would want to have sex with a former prostitute. It's very probably why they are a former prostitute and not currently a prostitute.

The sad thing is, this poor kid is going through the most natural phase of his teenage years and now he's going through it with a bunch of crazies accusing him of being sinful and, in one extreme case, scum. I'm not saying he should go and get laid but considering 2 small facts I'm not sure where these guys get there ideas from.

Fact 1: God (if there is one) gave everyone free will. Good times.

Fact 2: The Bible (that big book that these people quote from all the time) encourages a bit of the old going forth and multiplying. He's never going to achieve this if these people keep putting the fear of God into him every time he thinks about checking a girl out.

The problem with site like this is that there's no balanced argument. A Christian only forum filled with Christian only opinion is as fair as entering Stephen Hawkings into Strictly Come Dancing. I can't help but feel sorry for anyone so confused that they need to go to such a biased forum for advice on anything.

I'm going to hang around in it for a while though and see what else I can dig up. I'll be sure to let you guys know what I encounter. If anyone would like me to ask a question on their behalf to get a Christian perspective then message me and I'll ask for you.

Duality and Wanking.

2010-03-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

The problem with talking as much shit as I do, is that people begin to blur the lines between reality and the things I made up to try and make people laugh.

For instance, Facebook status updates may be a place for people to air their tedious views on that evenings telly or to inform us all about what they are having for dinner. This is their choice and I respect that, it's a public forum and I believe in free speech.

However, if I crack a joke about being caught wanking then, chances are, it's a joke... Or I've been caught wanking. Or I'm joking about being caught wanking because I've just been caught wanking by someone that couldn't see the funny side whilst they were doing the actual catching. And I was wanking.

See?

That probably didn't help.

I think I have always been afraid of making certain jokes because of this very reason. People find it hard to distance Dan Impossible from 'real life' Dan. They are pretty different. They have different last names for starters. But yes, they are both me.

And we have some similarites too. Of course we do. We both wear hats. We both enjoy a nice cup of tea, a zombie film and some pornography in the afternoons and we both laugh at similarly distasteful jokes. But, only one of us would write them here for you all to read.

Probably.

The idea of duality and split personalities is one that has interested me for years. It quietly seeped into many aspects of my life without me realising it until I was smart enough to join the dots.

Take my love of superheroes for example. That is a pretty good example isn't it? I should write this shit down somewhere.

A superhero is usually a brightly or boldly costumed person that performs heroic deeds whilst at the same time being someone really rather ordinary. Why do they feel the need to be both? Is it some kind of confidence issue they have? Do they really only ever appreciate the wonder of flying about the place, saving kittens from trees after they've had to sit on the number 5 bus to town next to a man that smells faintly of piss? Is it a case of needing to feel like they fit in?

Anyway, this is a bit heavy. The point I'm trying to make is, if everyone knows me and knows I write stuff, will I ever be comfortable enough to go all the way with some of the ideas in my head?

Have I been holding back for fear of upsetting someone? Of upsetting EVERYONE?

The beautiful thing about having an alter-ego is that you can blame them for a lot but, ultimately, people know it's me. Do you think there was a moment in Fight Club, just after the buildings exploded and the Pixies song ended where Ed Nortons character, realising he'd well and truly fucked up, suddenly thought 'And I bet I looked a twat in that fur jacket/sunglasses combo now I no longer look like Brad Pitt'?

If he'd have known he was skinny and pasty I bet he'd have never dressed like a failed 70's porn star.

Anyway, so, the perils of posting a joke as a Facebook status update is that not everyone immediately gets that it's a joke. And sometimes this is kind of amusing in itself. And sometimes it's baffling... But sometimes it makes me worry about the kind of person that the joke-non-getter thinks I am.

Am I really the sort of person that would be caught wanking? And if I was caught wanking then would I really want the world to know?

You see the dilemma? Is there a dilemma? Or, by posting a blog with the word 'wanking' in it 9* times, have I answered my own question?

I am exactly the sort of person that would want the world to know.

And as for the people that can't get when I'm joking or when I'm genuinely posting about my own life... Well, I've only myself to blame.

*Yes there is. There's one in the title.

More News... Well, This Is A News Blog

2010-03-03T18:03:00.000-08:00

Item!

Ex-Sugababe Mutya Buena has applied for ownership of the girl bands name after the final original member pissed off. Apparently this is news. (Source: BBC News)

Item!

Arrests made over Oxford teenager's buttock stabbing
Although this is a very serious story and I genuinely feel for the lad that got stabbed, the headline made me laugh like a drain. (Source BBC News)

Item!

Man drove car while 'walking' dog in County Durham
Some bright spark in County Durham took his Lurcher for a walk by hanging the lead of the window and letting the poor thing run alongside. The man was subsequently arrested and fined 124 pounds - he also got 3 points on his licence. The dog was unavailable for comment at this time. (Source BBC News)

Item!

'Gorilla' seen in NASA snaps
A space enthusiast who's spent far too long looking at grainy photo's beamed from a vehicle on Mars has come to the conclusion that Gorilla's used to, or still, live there because of a suspiciously shaped bit of rock. Mr. Nigel Cooper, 43, of Grimsby, Lincs, has now started other like-minded people thinking the same and posting bizarre Planet of the Apes style rumours online. Star of the original Ape flicks Charlton Heston was unavailable for comment - he's dead. (Source: The Sun Newspaper, Pic: The Metro)

Loot - The Free Ads Paper...

2010-02-27T18:56:00.000-08:00

...And why you shouldn't try to find love in the same place as people selling lawnmowers and other old tat.

So, I was watching Dave Spikey talking about obituaries and remembered a project I started a long time ago about classified ads. I couldn't be arsed to dig all that out so I opted, instead, to have a bit of a butchers at Loot - the free ads site based around the paper of the same name.

And I'm glad I did.

Everything I'm about to tell you is true. I found every single one of these ads on the site and I've decided to not edit any of the stupid txt spk at all.

If it's in quotes then it's off the site. I'm not putting details of the poster on here, just if it was a male or a female.

(One thing that I did notice was the less than subtle mentions of oral sex... Just about every advert had a variation of 'I enjoy eating out' - terribly forward of them!)

1. 'People should get to know becaus iam down to earth I am easy to talk to and can talk about anything' - Posted by a woman.

This is incredible. She may well be easy to talk to, and she may be able to converse on all manner of subjects... But she's a tad retarded and cannot type a simple sentence despite it being on a public forum. Who's likely to fall in love with this woman?

Perhaps this man will.

2. 'im very horny polish man! Look for fun. Meet me please. I live in north west london. See you. Regards.'

I thought this was a terrible posting until I read the word 'regards' at the end. Suddenly it became a work of genius.

Much like this posting... From a girl?

3. 'cause i like boobs and dick'

What a beautiful sentence! If there is a prettier combination of words in the English language then I am yet to hear them.

4. 'Hello, i like to socailiz with my friends some weekends, i come from large i have 1 beautiful and 3 lovly, children that keep me up beat.'

This woman has single-handed destroyed all that was right with the art of placing personal ads. Curse her.

5. 'I am looking for somone who is kind honnest with me as a friend and secondly i am a very simple nature guy'

A very simple nature guy? Hmm... I've heard of Nature Boy Ric Flair, is he perhaps related to him?

It does sound a little like a superhero... Look! Up in the sky! It's Simple Nature Guy! Perhaps he only likes simple nature, like amoebas? Who knows?

I have very little to say about the next one.

6. 'I am a professional black woman.'

Except for this: As opposed to those amateur black women we see clogging up the classifieds these days?

This next woman wins the contradictory statement of the night award.

7. 'I'm not into money or status though I do appreciate beautiful objects, clothes and the finer things in life.'

There is one glaring issue in the next one. And no, it's not the unusual spelling of a popular TV stars first name...

8. 'I'm that genuine guy you've been looking for, with a great sense of humour and happy with myself. You won't find anything like me on the Jerremy Kyle show!'

Did you spot it? Yes, that's right, this gentleman referred to himself as 'anything'. Not anyone - Oh no. This man said thing. He is a thing. Apparently.

9. 'I am a fun loving person who enjoys the outdoors - love the smell of the bush and spotting game'

Love the smell of the what? I thought this woman was looking for a bloke... Apparently she posted in the wrong section.

And yes, crap joke to end on. I don't care.

Another beautiful coincidence.

2010-02-25T14:23:00.000-08:00

Poundland today were selling catering sized pots of Lloyd Grossmans spicy parsnip soup. Remarkably, they were a pound.

Down the road at the Italian bistro, the soup de jour was... 'Homemade' spicy parsnip soup.

A coincidence?

New... News.

2010-02-25T13:01:00.000-08:00

Item!

Crucifixion in Walsall
Source - the Sun newspaper, Wednesday 24th Feb 2010. A man staged a protest about medication by stripping down to a loincloth and reenacting the Crucifixion on a telegraph pole outside his GP's office. He stayed there for about half an hour before police and fire crews got him down.

The chap, who had also taken the time to fashion himself an imitation crown of thorns, was then taken to hospital with mild hypothermia. Turned out he wasn't the Messiah, just a very naughty boy.

A witness said, and this is by far my favourite bit, 'It was so weird seeing this Jesus figure just hanging there. It's the most amazing sight I've ever seen in Walsall.' - This quote has obviously not done much for local culture hot spot, Walsall Leather Museum.

Item!

SeaWorld trainer dies in killer whale attack in Orlando
A simple, and tragic, tale with a very confusing back-story here. An Orca (killer whale) grabbed it's trainer and killed her. The Orca, Tilikum, has a dubious history of violence and was reported to have been involved in the death of another trainer back in 1991.

The whale was also implicated in another death after a naked man was found floating in the pool with it. In 1999 a man either hid in Sea World until it closed or managed to creep in and then, for some strange reason, got naked and got in with the whales with the name that makes this sort of thing seem really very silly indeed. I'd have gotten in with the 'Bit of a sit down and a cuppa whales', but that's just me.

Officials said the man drowned after suffering hypothermia so quite how that's the whales fault is beyond me.

The picture is of a killer whale and not the killer whale.

Item!

Yorkshire Forced Rhubarb gets EU name status
You'll be pleased to know that Yorkshire Forced Rhubarb has been given European protected name status. The EU protected food names site has this to say: 'The EU Protected Food Name Scheme identifies regional and traditional foods whose authenticity and origin can be guaranteed. Under this system a named food or drink (separate arrangements exist for wines and spirits) registered at a European level will be given legal protection against imitation throughout the EU.'

So, anyone claiming their rhubarb is from Yorkshire, or indeed forced, will be looking at a slapped wrist from the EU if they don't change their ways.

I, for one, am very pleased with this result and support the 12 farmers that grow this wonderful rhubarb. Even if they do force it.

In case this wasn't interesting enough, it's been grown by candlelight since the 1950's.

The News You Were Too Lazy To Read About.

2010-02-22T15:11:00.000-08:00

Item!

'Corpse' comes back to life at Colombia funeral home
Colombia - home of coffee, flowers and cocaine and now, it's most recent claim to fame, a Zombie! As a 45 year old woman lay, less than alive in a funeral home in the Colombian city of Cali, the poor sods that worked there got the shock of their otherwise presumably shock less lives when she started moving and breathing.

Experts call this 'Lazarus Syndrome' a posh way of saying someone, somewhere was reading something upside-down and mistakenly assumed the very quiet person laying in front of them was an ex-person and not simply pining for the fjords.

'The instruments the patient was connected to gave no blood pressure or heart rate readings,' said Miguel Angel Saavedra, a doctor at the clinic where the woman was treated.

This is his way of saying 'Please don't sue me. Or fire me. Or write me nasty letters of complaint. Or assume this is some kind of miracle and stand outside of my clinic with banners and candles, weeping.'

The woman apparently started moving just before the application of formaldehyde and is now in a coma at the hospital. A coma is still pretty serious, but not as serious as death is, doctors informed me earlier.

Item!

Doug Fieger - August 20, 1952 - February 14, 2010
'Ooh my little pretty one. Pretty one. When you gonna give me some time, Sharona?' Sang Doug Fieger, the lead singer of the Knack on their hit single, My Sharona. Sadly, time ran out for him on Valentines day when he finally lost a 6 year battle against lung cancer.

My condolences to his family, friends and people that insist on singing the bloody song at every available karaoke they can get to.

Eastenders - Well, I had to didn't I?

2010-02-21T22:48:00.001-08:00

Whodunnit? Stacey dunnit, that's who. And we all found out just after her new old husband Bradders fell off a roof in the most traumatic Eastenders since the last one.

In a storyline that gripped the nation, Stacey and Bradley were keeping the secret of Archie Mitchells murder better than they'd managed to keep any of the other secrets they had floating about including their second wedding and the baby of many potential dad's - including the late Archie himself.

But was the show any good? After all, it was the first live one. In a word - no. It was full of some classic blunders. Let's find out what the cast of the 25 year old soap cocked up shall we?

Firstly, a hearty congratulations to Scott Maslen, he plays ex-cop Jack Branning, for some of the strangest mumbling I've ever witnessed in a TV show that wasn't Rabb C Nesbit. His incredible line fluffing will surely go down in history.

The mighty Barbara Widsor, the closest thing Eastenders has got to genuine royalty in Peggy Mitchell, called Janine Butcher 'June' and sort of glazed over during a scene with her niece Ronnie Mitchell, played by Sam Womack.

Sam Womack didn't do all that well herself as she left the mini-mart without paying for her stuff during a row with sister Roxy, played by Rita Simons.

Stacey, played by Lacey Turner, was a mistake factory as she hit her microphone, wasn't ready for the camera and even shouted the wrong name as tragic Bradley Branning hit the tiles after on his wedding night - literally. Instead she shouted 'Charlie' - the actors real name is Charlie Clements.

Charlie Clements, not to be outdone, moved his hand post-death. An incredible balls-up... Unless of course Eastenders is planning a (long overdue) Zombie storyline.

Best blooper of the night though goes to 'Retching' Max Branning, played by Jake Wood, who was so shocked at his sons sudden demise that he developed instant bulimia. He had his fingers down his throat so quickly I thought he was trying to join his first-born in the afterlife by the strangely underused suicide technique of ingesting your own hand.

On the plus side, we now know who killed Archie and we can stop guessing. Although I am sorry to report that I lost a fiver - my money was on Dot Cotton.

Well, 25 years in and one live show done. Here's to the next live one... Preferably in another 25 years.

CNN News from over the weekend.

2010-02-21T21:38:00.000-08:00

Item!

Girl's arrest for doodling raises concerns about zero tolerance
A 12 year old girl was handcuffed, marched out of school in front of her mates and arrested after writing 'I love my friends Abby and Faith. Lex was here 2/1/10 :)' on a desk in green marker pen. Now, somewhat unsurprisingly, the New York City Department of Education are asking questions about zero tolerance in American schools. Personally, I'd be stunned if a kid in the UK did this... With such a command of the English language. On top of the already stunned I'd be that they were there in the first place.

In my primary school when I was young, if you got caught writing on the desk you were forced to clean it off with Ajax. The indignity was in smelling like shit, cheap detergent for the rest of the day. Not being paraded in front of your classmates like the new Zodiac Killer.

Still, she wont do it again will she?

Item!

Medalist leaves Olympics after racy pics hit Web
I was very excited to read this headline until I read the shockingly dull article underneath it. Apparently a snowboarder named Scotty Lago had some pics taken of a young fan being not very interesting in a not very interesting way and the Olympic Committee are not impressed. And neither am I, I was expecting much, much more from the headline.

The U.S. Ski and Snowboard Association President and CEO Bill Marolt said: 'Scotty Lago is a great athlete, but with that comes a responsibility of proper conduct and his involvement in this situation is not acceptable' he went on to say: 'Scotty realizes his conduct was inappropriate. He has formally apologized and also made a decision to leave Vancouver today'.

Item!

FBI investigates allegations web cam used to monitor student
A parent from Pennsylvania has accused a school of remotely accessing a web cam on a laptop being used by a student at home. They then, allegedly, used a still image taken of the student behaving 'inappropriately' as evidence against him, and accidentally incriminating themselves in the process. They are currently facing potential charges of federal wiretap or computer intrusion law violation.

The school are denying this.

On the plus side, they caught a kid doing something he shouldn't have. A something that nobody will admit to. At least it wasn't a pervert watching him, eh?

Actually, what the hell are the FBI doing dealing with this? In the films they are running about with guns, chasing criminals at high speeds or, according to the X-Files, arguing about the existence of aliens whilst fighting the little green buggers off. Why are they fannying about in a case like this? It's no wonder they haven't found Bin Laden yet. I bet that school in Pennsylvania would have found him by 'not' using remote access on his web cam.

BBC News over the weekend.

2010-02-21T21:04:00.000-08:00

Item!

Longleat monkeys will be fenced-off after herpes scare
This is a genuine headline from the BBC News site. It's true, the dirty little monkeys have got herpes and now nobody is allowed to touch them. A little too late if you ask me. I mean, I'm no scientist but a load of monkeys in an enclosure with no contact with outside monkeys and they suddenly have herpes? If I was in charge at Longleat I'd be very suspicious of any of the monkey handlers that suddenly book time off or have cold sores.

There's a quote on here that states: 'Staff are building a new fenced-off enclosure in the existing jungle so visitors can see them from afar' I hope it's not too enclosed. Someone needs to be able to see what they're up to, even if it is just for the European hardcore porn video market.

Item!

Plane spotters arrested in India are still detained
So, some people went out to India to take photographs of planes. The Indian government had them arrested on suspicion of monitoring flights at Delhi airport and won't let them go. It's a terrible infringement of liberty to arrest someone for simply taking some snaps of aeroplanes but it's hard to rally support for some people with such a tedious fucking hobby. Plane spotting is hardly rock and roll is it? Which is probably a good thing thinking about it, I dread to think what the punishment for rocking and rolling at a Delhi airport is these days.

Item!

South Shields bookies' staff threatened with axe
A man in a chequered scarf and trainers walked into a bookies and threatened staff with an axe. This must have been a terrifying ordeal and my heart goes out to those poor buggers working there that day.

The report made me laugh though as the axe wielding thief then made good his escape on a mountain bike. Now, I haven't ridden a bike since I was a kid but I was a bit shit at it then and was prone to falling off the bloody thing. Riding one with an axe is a talent that should be acknowledged. Alright, he robbed a bookies and waved an axe about like he was Conan but, fairs fair, not many of us could have peddled off on a ten-speed with our axes without causing ourselves a mischief.

The second best bit of the report was this bit: 'He is described as 5ft 6in to 5ft 8in tall, with light-coloured eyebrows' yes, that's correct, eyebrows. If you notice a man fitting that description then please contact Northumbria Police. Be sure to double check the lightness of your suspected perpetrators eyebrows though, we wouldn't want to waste valuable police time.

Item!

Labour challenges bullying claims
Gordon Brown has been accused of being a bit of a bastard to work for recently as it came to light that a number of his employees have been calling a charity helpline set up to help those being bullied. The Labour spin-machine is doing it's best to deny the claims. Suggestions that Brown himself is claiming 2 pounds a month as one of those abandoned dogs you see on the adverts are merely speculation at time of posting. I should know, I'm speculating it. He does look like the dog of the Churchill ad after a few years on the booze though, doesn't he?

Things I heard a bit of once and had to Google.

2010-02-21T20:16:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid I went on a school trip to Cuffley Camp. It's not a real camp. It has tents but they are attached to the floor and it boats far too many actual facilities to count as proper camping. A toilet, for example, immediately means you're not camping properly. If you're not burying your own turds in a shelter made of twigs then Bear Grylls would scoff and so would I.

I had to take a poo in the woods once. I'm not proud of this. I was desperate and had to use the terrifying combination of leaves and a Twix wrapper as toilet paper. I should have just used leaves. If anything the Twix wrapper simply made things worse.

Anyway, I was at Cuffley Camp. It wasn't a very exciting school trip. We did a bit of looking at nature and going 'Oooh, isn't nature lovely?' and ate some sausages that would have got up and walked off if they'd not had a stick through them. Cooking things on fire was apparently not our teachers forte. The highlight came on the day before last when I threw a lads underwear up the tallest tree I could find. It was a bloody tall tree and it was all of his underwear. Strangely, I am proud of this to this very day but this blog is not about him, his pants or him finding his pants up a tree. It's about something I heard and for years wondered what the bloody hell it meant.

And the thing was this...

Found a peanut, found a peanut,
Found a peanut just now,
Just now I found a peanut,
Found a peanut just now.

Yes, I'd overheard some bigger boys singing a song about a peanut. And, as I was a young lad, I'd assumed it was rude. I didn't know how or why or what happened to make it go from this innocuous ditty about a legume to being dirty but bigger boys were singing it and so it had to be.

For years it haunted me. What were the rest of the words? Why were they singing it with such gusto? Why did nobody at my school know the rest of the lyrics? And, the most important question of all, when did it get naughty?

And then, like with most childhood questions, it went unanswered and out of my head. Until recently when for no apparent reason it popped back in. And on went I, to Google. And disappointed was I, for the song was tame.

It was a song about choking on a peanut. It wasn't rude at all. The amount of time I'd wasted mulling over the possible directions the song could take to end up at some kind of smut-filled chorus was staggering. And yet here they were in front of me in all their tedious glory. No filth. Just a song. About fucking peanuts... Not actually fucking peanuts because that would be rude... And difficult. You know what I mean.

Next up is a weirder one. My mate Rich used to sing this song a lot. Well, he'd sing a bit of it and then his mind would wander elsewhere and soon he'd be shouting obscenties at a fork or trying to climb a wall using only his imagination to help him. He was odd like that. You'll be glad to know he's less odd now. Marginally.

He used to sing:

Toora loora loora loo,
they're looking for monkeys up at the zoo
And says I: "If I had a face like you,
I'd join the British army"

I Googled this just now and it turns out it's an anti-war song from around the time of the First World War (the black and white one) and was made famous by the Dubliners. They were made famous by being named after a collection of short stories by James Joyce. This collection, 'The Dubliners' was published in 1914, the same year the First World War started. All of these things are co-incidental. Except for the part where I wrote them down.

I was less disappointed with this bit. I like a coincidence.

Teach Yourself Anything Online For Free!

2010-02-18T07:53:00.000-08:00

That title looks a bit like I've been hacked and am now trying to get you to sign up for some shit you don't need. Don't worry, I haven't, and I'm not.

So, the Internet. We all love it don't we? We do. You know how I know? Because that is where you are reading this from. See? Good. And what a strange place the Internet is, too. I mean, if real life was like the Internet we'd be able to see our friends everyday without the annoyance that is actually travelling to see them, we'd be surrounded by pornography and we'd be shouting bits of useless information at literally everyone that wandered past us on their way somehwere else. Yes, if the Internet was just one room it would probably be inexplicably filled with nubile young lovelies gyrating and overweight conspiracy theorists all jostling for position whilst a bunch of people stole all the CD's - Good times.

And what is my point today? Well, I reckon with the Internets vast expanse of a bit of everything, you could very possibly teach yourself just anything you liked for nothing. And we like nothing - it's how much we pay for films nowadays.

Let's have a butchers and see if my little theory is correct then shall we?

Can I learn the fabled Bruce Lee 'One Inch Punch'? Well, this particular bout of Googling took me all over the net from a Mixed Martial Arts forum (where the spelling and grammar are shit but someone else can tell them - they all look terrifying) to Youtube all the way to a site called 'How to do just about everything'... And the answers were pretty varied.

The MMA people reckon it'll take you between 5 and 8 years and is a waste of time. They also reckon Bruce Lee is overrated and one person in particular said he thought he could beat everyone but never proved it - Wikipedia has a handy list of Bruce Lee's actual fights, as opposed to his movie ones, you should go see how hard he was.

Youtube had some pretty ropey footage...

This was kind of cool but told us nothing.

So what did 'How to do just about everything' have to say? Well, they have a step-by-step guide. Now that is unbelievably handy.

Step 1. (POSITION). Your target is standing close to you (1-6 inches). Balance, and proper breathing is important. You should be breathing through your nose with your diaphragm. Try to keep your muscles loose.

Step 2. (DELIVERING) To deliver the punch, it is important to keep your body
relaxed. All of your muscles, especially your waste should be ready to move in unison with your arm as you deliver the punch. Do not tighten or clinch your fist until the exact moment of impact!

Step 3. (IMPACT). The moment your fist hits the target you should tighten your fist, and PUSH THROUGH (3 inches) your target in a snapping action. The more your muscles work together to snap through your target the more "explosiveness" the one inch punch will have.

Isn't that good? Doesn't look like it'd take 5 years to accomplish that does it? There is a fantastic quote on a Metafilter forum: 'Be aware, however, that if you hit somebody in the chest with this technique, you can possibly punch through, fatally injuring your target.' Punch through? Seriously? Like put your actual fist through a human and out the other side? I think I saw that in a movie once but in real life? Sounds unlikely.

Next on my list - selling my soul. Got a soul hanging around, taking up room and no real use for it? Try eBay. Or better still, try an ancient Satanic rite and you could finally afford to go on that dream holiday.

Well, unsurprisingly the Internet is chock full of crazies each with a theory on this particular transaction. But are any of them any good? Let's have a look shall we?

Vexen Crabtree wrote a very detailed description of this very thing on their site 'Description, Philosophies and Justification of Satanism' - a site that has all the style and class you'd expect from a site like this. Interestingly, Vexen has opted for various shades of reds and not the black I was expecting. There is also some very dubious usage of clipart. I didn't know people still used clipart. This site was made to educate people about the Dark Lord whilst somehow still looking comfortingly like a school project.

If you're interested (Which you shouldn't be. At all) Vexen has a number of other 'interesting' websites to look at should you suddenly think Vexen is some kind of authority on anything at all whatsoever. They include: 'Bane of Monotheism', 'Vexing International Issues' and the strangely catchy 'Child Abuse by Christian Priests: Horror, Paedophilia and the Clergy' - I heard Disney might be making an animated version of that one voiced by Miley Cyrus and Zac Efron later this year.

I had a huge disappoinment over at Necronomi.com - they had a handy form to fill in to sell your soul online (to a very modern Satan, if we're fair) but sadly there was a note at the bottom: 'Apologies; this form is no longer currently functional. People have been selling other people's souls without their permission. - The Necroninomi.com Administration'

What sort of bastard sells someone elses soul? What a terrible way to make someone with no actual talent rich and famous. It's horrifying to think of someone's parents doing this for their own kids. Thank God nobody got away with that...

Here's an idea of the form that Necronomi.com used to use to flog souls to Beelzebub.

'I relinquish the ownership of my immortal soul into the keeping of Satan, the Master of Evil Demons, Commander of all Ungodly Forces and Unclean Spirits, Inventor of the Sin, Eater of Souls, and Chief Torturer of all dead Heathens and Damned Christians. I furthermore give to him and his subservient creatures the rights and privileges and freedoms entitled to me by the Creator of the Universe, whose name I flout. I understand fully that I will live as a creature of sin and an artist of villainy and corruption in this world, and become a slave of evil in the next; property of the diabolic in both. I shall spurn and debase all things worthy and pure, and I shall make ruin my cause and calling. I shall indulge in joyous cruelties from the pettiest to the most maleficent. I swear that I shall curse the names of all the angels of the host of heaven; and with the aid of my Liege, they shall hear me and be tormented thereby. I shall endeveor to commit all kinds of sin and crimes against the Enemy-who-yet-rules, succeed and blacken the soul of the earth. I am a blasphemy. I am one accursed. I am among the host of the damned.'

Pretty heavy going isn't it? I particularly liked the part about joyous cruelties. I'd have a go at that myself. Although, that's pretty much what this blog is.

'In return for this sacrifice and for my denial of all that is good and redeeming, I will possess money in substantial quantities, the fulfillment of all of my lusts, and the destruction and degradation of all that opposes my whims. I shall overcome with blackness, succeed in monstrosity, vindicate all scorn, by breaking the Whole. In return for the additional corruption of other people, for every one damned and dead that I am responsible for directly, I shall have my life prolonged in health for another two years and a day.'

Sounds alright doesn't it? There's a section at the bottom for filling in your name, address, phone number and email. I assume the Devil has some kind of call centre. In fact, thinking about it, I assume the Devil has ALL of the call centres - there's nothing Godly about cold calling, trust me.

So, that was how to perform a one inch punch and how to sell your soul. Anyone with any pressing queries please get in touch and I'll try my hardest to care.

Dan Impossible Must Be Destroyed!

2010-02-13T18:28:00.000-08:00

Because nobody asked me to (and nobody told me not to) here's a look at some more filth

2010-02-11T18:40:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the second of our looks at dubious pornography (this time you can blame a very good mate of mine for emailing me the link to the first of our WTF?!?!? videos)

Shall we begin?

So, we start off on our favourite porn tube site - Xvideos.com. And this is a beauty. Sort of. It's called 'three boobs' and features, you guessed it - a woman with not one... not two... but three boobs! The video itself is pretty standard fare except, well, you know, the extra boob. I have no idea if it's genuine or not but watching the three of them bob up and down like that you have to wonder if two really is enough. Maybe there will be four boobs uploaded next week - who knows?

I never understood the appeal of Ron Jeremy. I mean, sure, he has a gigantic member but he looks like a potato. And not a sexy potato either. He looks like he came straight from Middle Earth already brandishing his weapon. He really is the answer to the age old debate about the importance of size - because if he wasn't hung like Mr. Ed there's no way in hell he'd be getting laid. He's chubby and sweaty and hairy and looks like a pervert so it's probably safer that he is getting paid for having sex with teenage girls otherwise he still may well be trying to. He always seems to get knackered half way through and spends the rest of his time on his back, bloated like a freshly fed whale in a wig with his eyes glazed and his monster of a cock just jutting out like an extra arm. Not sexy.

And talking of huge schlongs - how about the legendary John Holmes? He was a cock. And he was hung like a king, too. I found a classic video of him and Carol Connors and, because I was only half paying attention (and listening to the new single from Plan B - I love that tune) I ended up watching bits of this one with the sound down... And it was the creepiest thing I'd ever seen. It starts with the pair sat on a sofa and Holmes appears to be crying. Carol is trying to console him and then, as if from nowhere, he's dropped the lower half of the bloody awful tracksuit he's wearing and starting swinging his nob about. The inevitable happens and soon the thing is inflated to 15 times its original size and the pair start doing the bad thing. I dread to think what he was crying about. Does that work? If I was to start weeping before just whipping it out do you think I'd get laid more? Maybe... laid or arrested. I'm not sure which. The rest of this clip shows the least enthusiastic sex I've ever seen and some truly bizarre camera angles. Not sexy.

Ah, insertions. We do like those. Crazy women sticking random items into holes they probably shouldn't. Today we have 'Fish in pussy' and it's a tremendous let down. Some dizzy tart is actually having it off with the tail of a plastic dolphin. Why? We don't know. Should we care? I doubt it.

'Real Wives make sex video' is 3 minutes of two Latina women wasting a Zoom ice-lolly. That shouldn't be allowed. I love those things. Although, I am usually disappointed by the middle flavour - it's orange and there's much more of it than the other, more interesting, flavours. Oh, wait... I seem to have veered from the point. Never mind - the clip was crap.

Next is 'Hairy Farm Girl Action' and let me tell you - farmers they are not. If they genuinely worked on a farm then literally nothing would get done. Horses and cows would be starving to death as the ridiculously attired couple rutted in various positions. The RSPCA would be called and, knowing porn the way I do, it would almost certainly turn into a gang-bang.

Anyone from the States complaining about the lack of equipment for their troops should take a look at the videos on here with the keyword 'Army' - How can anyone be fighting a war with all of these 'soldiers' at it in barns, tanks or a random room full of really old computers? I could make a joke about loaded weapons here but I wont. I'm above such things. Probably.

'Let it Rain Piss 2' - This made me laugh because of the directors somewhat bizarre choice to feature a urine soaked woman drink aforementioned urine through a straw with a loo seat around her neck. It's actually quite arty.

Next is a terribly dull clip from Germany - It's called 'German Homemade Amateur' and features a disinterested girl being shagged up the arse on some of the most unpleasant furniture I have ever seen. The couple didn't even bother getting undressed before going at it. He has all the charm of a Kango and she looks far too bored for someone that's having a penis rammed unceremoniously into her poop-shoot. This clip is doing for what the Nazi's did for Germany's tourist trade...

'heavily pregnant Emma masturbates and gets fucked' and I wish she hadn't of. This clip looks stolen. It's terrible quality and not much happens - thank fuck for that really. She looks fit to drop any second. Nobody wants to see a chap pull out only for a baby to flop out. Do they? Yikes.

Finally, a little round of applause for the genius that decided to name the BBW loving series of porn flicks - 'Waist Watchers'... That made me laugh lots.

That's all folks.

RIP Alexander McQueen

2010-02-11T16:59:00.000-08:00

The world of fashion is generally populated by twats (Dan Impossible - making sweeping generalisations since 1982) but today we were robbed of one of the few people in fashion I would actually call a 'genius' without a hint of a piss-taking sneer on my face - Alexander McQueen.

McQueen was cut from a different cloth to the usual pretentious arseholes that make designer clobber, if you'll excuse the pun. He was born in Lewisham, lived in a council house and never forgot that. Most importantly he once wrote something very rude in biro in the lining of a jacket destined for HRH Prince Charles. I applaud that, as we all should.

His stuff was the usual mix of classic and bonkers but the instant you saw it you just knew it was him. He was the modern day Vivienne Westwood - he had flair, character and talent but, unlike Westwood, he never felt the urge to parade about in public acting the big I am.

Alexander McQueen was an asset to the world of fashion and he'll be missed. Even by those of us that think fashion is ostensibly toss.

London Transport.

2010-02-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

London Transport - we've all used it. We all know it's shit, right? But why? How can a series of tunnels with trains going up and down it go so horribly wrong so often? How can something as simple as moving a bunch of people from one place to the next on a bus become such a fucking nightmare? The answer is simple... I have no idea.

Let's start with trains. Wikipedia (the lazy bloggers resource tool) says this about the London Underground: 'The London Underground is a rapid transit system serving a large part of Greater London and neighbouring areas of Essex, Hertfordshire and Buckinghamshire in the UK' - I would like to thank the sarcastic bugger that wrote this entry and included the word 'rapid'.

Ra-pid

–adjective
1. occurring within a short time; happening speedily: rapid growth.
2. moving or acting with great speed; swift: a rapid worker.
3. characterised by speed: rapid motion.

Does that sound like the Tube to you? Characterised by speed? Not as much as it's characterised by crazy people, the heady aroma of urine and the constant drone of an uninterested worker telling you about line closures. And yet thousands of people a day cram onto well over-crowded carriages to travel not very far at all in discomfort, temperatures that flit between fucking freezing and unbearably hot and on seats that, if we were to examine them closely enough, contain more hazardous substances than just about anywhere on Earth.

This is the Underground.

The first section was opened in 1863. It ran between Paddington Station and Farringdon Street via King's Cross. This was called the Metropolitan Railway and was generally considered to be a good idea by just about everyone...

Except the MOLE PEOPLE! These subterranean dwellers are the slaves of the ancient race of albino Sumerians. They are your typical mutant humanoid mole people types and the subject of a 1956 documentary entitled 'The Mole People'.

As you can imagine, these terrifying creatures were less than impressed with the new train line and bloody battles took place beneath the streets of London. Eventually, the Mole People were vanquished and the Tube was completed. Sometimes though, the surviving Mole People creep around and break stuff, causing delays and other such unpleasantness.

At least, that's what I think happens. What other reason can there be for such a fucking balls-up of a transport system? How can so many things go so wrong at any one time? Week before last I was forced to take the longest route I've ever had to between two points - this was thanks to not one but SEVEN line closures. I struggle to think of any other service that would be forced to run in such a shitty way and still have the stones to charge as much as they do.

Still, buses have got to be better, right?

Wrong. Sorry. Buses are amazingly shit these days too. If you're not sat waiting for one then you're sat fearing for your life on one. Who are they employing to drive these things now? Former stock-car racers? Partially sighted, suicidal, alcoholics? It's like a go on the bumper cars most days... Except not fun. And the people that get buses fall neatly into three catagories:

1. The casual user - people like us. We need to go somewhere, we jump on a bus. We arrive and we jump off again. We try not to look anyone in the eye.

2. The habitual user - these poor, jaded bastards are forced onto the bus every day of their working lives. They have little regard for the happiness and comfort and others as a result of the horrible things they've seen. They are London Transport veterans and would have seen less carnage and won more accolades had they just gone to fight in a war instead.

3. The nutter - these people have no travel agenda as such. They don't seem to ever actually get on or off the bus. Instead they are simply always there, haunting the fucking thing with their smells and noises and jerky movements and twitching eyes and... You get the idea. I've seen nudity, fighting, a man that insisted on reading everyone's horoscopes to them with a wild look in his eye like he was the Lords own messenger and a woman that decided to piss on the floor of the bus in front of some children before falling out at the next stop. The bus is the last frontier my friends, believe me.

And why do people insist on eating such foul smelling shit on a bus? Just the other day I was subjected to the sights, sounds and odour of a not terribly bright looking woman gnawing on some chicken she'd purchased from one those horrible cheap KFC rip-off places. This is night-time behaviour, the behaviour of the drunk perhaps... Sadly, this was taking place in the afternoon. Absolutely disgusting.

The bendy buses must have seemed like such a good idea to the idiot that suggested them. A bus that bends? Making it longer and prone to snapping in half on a corner? Genius. No... not genius my sadly misinformed friend. This is the idea of the retarded. However... this:

Is genius.

The last thing I'd like to talk about is those women - and I'm sorry friends, for in my 27 years upon this planet I have never EVER seen a man do this - but the women that go around on the bus all fucking day, talking to the driver and generally getting in the way.

These women are often deeply unattractive in a way that would make even Gok Wan, the nicest man on the face of the Earth, simply turn away and exclaim 'Yikes'. They hang round at the front of the bus chatting away to the driver as if it was a perfectly normal thing to do. Often at night. Often getting in the sodding way.

Who are these women? What the bloody hell do they want? Do they pay for their travel?

SOMEBODY STOP THEM! PLEASE.

It's embarrassing to watch them flirting with a man that is clearly uninterested. More than uninterested... He's driving a fucking bus! Leave him alone.

So, that's London Transport for you. We hate it but we need it because we hate walking. And, if we walked, chances are we'd get hit by a fucking bus anyway.

Gaming.

2010-02-01T13:21:00.000-08:00

Gaming (and by 'gaming' I mean playing video games and not going on the game which is a posh way of saying becoming a prostitute) is one of those things that, if you do it too often, you are a bit of a tosser with no mates. However, if you don't quite do it often enough, you're a bit of a tosser that simply doesn't know enough about games.

There are people in the world that think that gaming peaked in the 80's with the invention of Pac-Man or Space Invaders and have absolutely no desire to immerse themselves in a beautifully rendered 3D world for up to 100 hours of game play. These people are usually called Nigel or Kenneth, they almost certainly work in an office (probably in accounts) and they definitely got a great deal on their mortgage by going to the bank in a cardigan and sensible shoes.

Don't get me wrong. There's very little wrong with liking Pac-Man, it's called nostalgia and we all suffer from it from time to time. Sometimes I find myself missing Paperboy - a game in which the sole objective was to cycle up a road delivering papers without some twat knocking you off your bike. It was hardly GTA 4 and yet it literally robbed me of hours of my life when I was a kid.

But games, like most things, move on. I say 'most' things because I've been to Clacton and so couldn't possibly say 'all' with a clear conscience. The controls get slightly more complicated, the story lines get more elaborate and the graphics get so detailed that one day you sit down in front of the TV with your controller in your hand wondering why you can't shoot your gun only to realise you're actually facing the wrong way and are, in fact, looking out of the window and shouting... in your pants, mad and scaring the neighbours kids.

I have an Xbox 360. It's quite exciting really and I'm strangely comforted knowing that, as of right now, it's about as good as a console gets. It takes me a while to catch up with these things as I'm usually skint but right now I feel up to date and cool. I can play games that look amazing and lose hours of my life playing the actual thing and not just waiting for it to load. And, yes, I still get excited about being able to turn it off without getting up thanks to the handy little button at the top of the controller.

When I was younger I had a plethora of shitty second-hand machines on which to play hundreds of games that all looked like they'd been imagined by a child with very special needs indeed during lunchtime at school. For some reason, a huge percentage of these games seemed to be about eggs. Why anyone thought that an egg wandering about the screen performing basic tasks that, if we are to be realistic about it, an egg simply couldn't manage without breaking, is beyond me. But eggs was where it was at apparently.

I had a Sinclair ZX Spectrum 48k - this looked like it would float in the bath and was as high-tech as you'd expect for something that looked like it would float in the bath. It had a power pack the size of Luxembourg and big rubber keys. It was basic. And basically for idiots.

Then I had a ZX Spectrum 128k. This was exciting as it came with a built in tape deck. No longer would I have to suffer the indignity of a separate cassette player for my gaming needs! At long last the problem of finding the lead that connected the thing to the other thing was over! Some problems remained though... For instance, the new tape deck was the single most sensitive thing on the planet. Any movement and the game that had been loading for a week would suddenly stop. And not just movement either, sound had the same effect. As did looking at it funny. It was the technological equivalent of the girl with new shoes she's not quite sure about at a party after a heroic swig of gin. You don't even want to be in the same building, let alone the same room as her. This was my life, carefully sticking a tape in and pressing play and then legging it only to return hours later and finding it had done nothing but throw a strop.

That's what I was subjected to for hours on end. That fucking noise sometimes haunts my dreams.

Later in my life I was given an Atari 2600. This was amazing! It's sole purpose was to play games. And the games were slightly better and had more than 3 colours at a time without the risk of giving me a seizure! And, what was even better, they played instantly! I was the happiest chap in the whole wide world. Of course, the thing looked like a doorstop and the joysticks were prone to simply not working but it was a huge step up. Probably.

Were the games any good? Erm, not really. Pac-Man and Space Invaders I've already mentioned and the rest were just an unimpressive array of angular shapes pretending to be other things whilst tinny, repetitive music forced you into a frenzy of joystick waggling or furious button tapping before weeping uncontrollably and finally smashing the thing into pieces.

It wasn't until the 90's that things became a little less shit.

When I first saw a Sega Megadrive I thought I was going to cream in my Spider-Man underpants. This would have been especially embarrassing as I was in Argos at the time. I'd seen the Master System and it was impressive I guess. My friends all had Nintendos but I knew deep down in my gut I wasn't destined to be one of those people. The Megadrive was black for starters and this already made it sexier. And it's flagship title wasn't an Italian plumber in dungarees with a Freddy Mercury 'tache... It was a blue hedgehog! And he was fast. And there's simply nothing cooler than a really fucking fast hedgehog that happens to be blue. Especially nobody in dungarees. Only very small children, hillbillies and stereotype's of lesbians wore dungarees. No... my place was with the shiny black plastic box of delights that was the Megadrive... The MEGADRIVE!

Life was pretty sweet back then. And then the rivalry between Nintendo and Sega carried on with clever marketing campaigns, advertising and counter advertising and playground fist-fights until the next generation of consoles came about and then the world went insane.

Gaming wasn't just a way to kill some time anymore. A console wasn't something you occasionally plugged in to relieve boredom, impress some mates or stop you wanking - again. It had become an entire sub-culture. It had TV shows dedicated to it, magazines that wrote about it and really annoying pale kids that would appear from nowhere whilst I idly browsed in Game and asked me a gazillion questions about what I preferred out of RPG's, FPS's and STI's (at least I think that's what they were asking) whilst all I wanted to do was find a game so I could go home, sit on my arse and shoot some stuff.

And what stuff there is to choose from! Zombies, aliens, monsters, mobsters, wild animals, vampires, mutants and, if you're that way inclined, innocent bystanders. It's a good time for those of us that like to shoot at stuff indeed. Does it make kids violent? I doubt it. The kids that play a shit-load of video games are generally the fat ones thanks to the long periods of sitting on their arses in front of the TV and are therefore useless at fighting anyway. And I have never once taken it upon myself to get an actual gun and shoot people because I played a game where my character did. That's why we have violent games - it's all the fun of actually stoving a zombies head in with none of the mess.

I'm going to stop writing now and start blowing the heads off some mutated people in the rather pretty Bioshock. See you soon.

More politics? Really... How exciting.

2010-01-31T08:01:00.000-08:00

Politics is one of those areas that anyone that writes in a public forum approaches with extreme caution. Usually. There are some 'writers' with extreme views that air them with all the self-awareness of a Big Brother contestant trying to get their end away. To be fair though, these people are usually idiots.

We are in a very strange time politically. Caught between two parties that nobody seems to like yet feels oddly compelled to keep in power. We flit between Labour and Conservative like a man with two wives - he doesn't love either enough to dump her and stick with the other but, by the same token, he doesn't have it in him to give yet another woman a shot. This is the way we've been for years. Welcome to Britain.

Labour, led by the sour faced Gordon Brown, is failing in ways that would be hilarious if we weren't forced to live through them. It's a party filled with expense scandal, back stabbing and an inability to put a leash on the very people that sucked the money out from under our very noses. Brown himself has all the charm and charisma of a freshly curled-out turd. Yes, that was a cheap shot. No, I do not care. Look at him next to Barack Obama, that man oozes power and class and charm and all the while Gordon Brown huffs about like a retired show gorilla. He grunts and mumbles and looks generally unhappy as he blunders about wondering why he can't use his background in economics to solve everything. Even those problems that are entirely about the economy have him baffled. What is the point of him?

On the other side of the political fence there is David Cameron, a man that flaunts his youth like a ten year old kid with a Nintendo DS. Everything about him says 'I'm young therefore I can lead you better' everything, that is, except his policies. But lets not trouble ourselves with a little thing like being able to actually govern a country. Let us instead have a look at his youthful face.

Look at his flawless complexion. And then his expressionless face. And then ask yourself, why would you want a man that lacking in emotion to lead anything. OK, Brown might be surly but then everyone has dealt with surly before. Dad's working nights are surly, old ladies in a long queue at the post-office are surly and so are 99% of all bus drivers. We know this, we're almost comfortable in it's familiarity. Cameron has no expression in this campaign image though, and he chose that. He looks like an evil wax-work. Or a Dr. Who villain. Why would anyone want to vote for a man that had such an airbrushed photograph during his campaign you worry he might be clay-mation?

But herein lies the problem. It's a two horse race and always has been. But voting for either of these is like agreeing to have sex with someone you wouldn't kiss on the mouth. Nobody really wants either of these options to lead us for the next 4, 8 or 100 years. Look at the rogues gallery of dimwits and pantomime baddies that we've had to endure as a result of fearing change.

So, this is what happens when a country decides to only ever put faith in two political parties...

However, there are those among us that are more 'progressive' in their views. And I use the word 'progressive' with more than a hint of irony for these are the people that can see beyond a future with the old favourites (a good thing) but some of these poor bastards believe we will actually be better off voting for this man:

You remember the idiots I mentioned at the beginning? Those people that express extreme views with absolutely no sense of self-awareness whatsoever? Yes, he's one of them.

The very idea that a country can be miraculously saved by simply throwing a bunch of people out is possibly the most ridiculous idea I've ever heard. Hang on a second... let me double check.

A quick Google of the 'Worst Inventions' brought me to an interesting site that lists the top 5 shit inventions by famous inventors. Let's have a quick look at them shall we?

1. Thomas Edisons 'Ghost Machine' - literally a telephone to chat to deceased people. As if being dead doesn't give them enough to worry about without having to get up every five minutes to answer a call about double-glazing.

2. Elihu Thomson's Steam-Powered Car - The thing about cars is, they are generally supposed to be quicker than walking. This one wasn't. Fail.

3. Alexander Graham Bell's Six Nippled Sheep - No, I'm not kidding. The same man that was responsible for both the telephone and the metal detector spent a ridiculously long time trying to breed sheep with six nipples.

4. Thomas Edison's Helicopter - What was wrong with this? Well, it wasn't a helicopter for one. It didn't fly and was generally shit.

5. Leonardo Da Vinci's Water-Walking Shoes - Possibly inspired by Jesus, possibly inspired by too much vino and possibly made in the vain hope that Dan Brown would read it and decide against writing the 'Da Vinci Code', these shoes were like ski's with some floaty stuff attached and not nearly as suitable for the task the name suggests as was hoped for by Mr. Da Vinci.

So, what was the point of this little look at the world of less than incredible inventions? Well, the short answer is that any of these madcap ideas, these hair-brained schemes, these crackpot inventions... Is a better idea than 'In order to fix the UK we must first throw everyone that isn't from there, out'.

Any way you look at the world of politics, any way you think of the next general election and no matter who you vote for, please know this one simple truth; the BNP have as much chance of running this country successfully as I have of winning Miss Argentina.

It's a FACT, you cannot base a nations policies on exclusion and hatred and expect to reduce unemployment, resolve issues with education or boost our currently flagging economy. It just wouldn't work. And, let's not beat around the bush here, it's fundamentally racist.

We're really not that desperate for change that we would openly invite wanton racism into our lives in the form of 'Gurning' Nick Griffin and his band of ill-informed fascists to number 10, are we?

Guys, have a look at the sheer number of political parties that are active in the UK right now. There are far more than people expect. Some have the best intentions in the world but suffer from tunnel-vision (the Green Party, Money Reform Party etc.) and some are fucking hate-filled twats (BNP, Veritas, British Peoples Party) and some them, well some of them are just rubbish (Fancy Dress Party, Official Monster Raving Loony Party) but there are options. And then there are the Lib Dems.

So, what's my point? Am I telling you who to vote for? Nope. Am I at least helping? I bloody hope not. Who you vote for is none of my business but I wanted to make a point about the notion that we are permanently stuck in a world with the 'Big Two' parties jostling for the number one spot time after time after time. We aren't.

Of course, you could always move. But don't go to America. They have the exact same thing over there.

So, there you have it. A simply not good enough view of the current state of poltics in the UK with absolutely not a speck of help in the difficult decision of who to vote for. I told you we bloggers approach it with caution...